Sunday, February 27, 2011

♥ i've hungered for your touch ♥

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses....
a few days ago i wrote about loving yourself. about the most important relationship you have being with yourself. after all, no one ever ended up miserable unless they relied on someone else to make them happy right?
here at the ashram i have been trying to find this thru some soul searching. almost everyone i know tells me im one of the most independent girls they've ever met. but one of the reasons i came here, was to find more independence. yes i travel to different countries alone with just a backpack, yes i live alone, yes i go dance on the east side alone every monday im in my hometown, la dee da.... but i am never still. i came here to find that. and i can tell you, i simply hate being still. and i hardly use that word. maybe its been good to show me what emotions i have that need to be dealt with, but transformation is hardly ever fun. i remember the first time an ex saw me cry. he was so taken back and said, "'re so strong". almost as if it were a question. and i know im stronger than i think. hell, thru all that ruckus... im still alive. smiling. but still, when i pray i always say, "Lord, mold me. but please please be gentle. you know im fragile. more than anyone else, you know." but the reason i am strong, is not because what i think most people may think. i think its just because i have such a damn good rebound rate. (again, i am a.d.d to the core) i can pick myself out of the gutter quickly, because im good at distracting myself. im good at finding the humor in almost anything. i turn everything into a story. sometimes even into a comic. haha.
still, it's been hard to feel 100% content and happy at this place, where i came to find what is truly already inside me. yes, im surrounded by beauty. but it is bittersweet. and it's that my heart is not completely here because of things i should have researched deeper about the training.
in the midst of this, there is a woman that i try to sit next to as much as possible. she is just like this little bird that brings me joy because she is so simple minded and sweet. she reminds me of my childhood babysitter that later became my grandmother. today during wisdom circle i looked at her and saw tears dripping to the floor. my heart became putty. "i wish i loved myself", she whispered. whoa. the happiest person here, or at least the most joyful, radiating that to everyone in her presence and bringing them to an ear to ear smile....does not love herself? i literally crave being around this woman sometimes here. our "shared wisdom" for this circle was - who is our leader in life and why? sometimes i dont like wisdom circle. but i like when we sing. who is my leader?? have i even allowed myself to have one?? besides those who are not in my life personally that i lean on for inspiration like the dalai lama and audrey i follow anyone else? maybe i have been avoiding having a crutch in my life. maybe im not good at following. maybe im too opinionated and question too much. this woman's turn came and she said, "my husband who knows me better than i know myself, but still loves me. he knows my inner deepest darkest secrets. and still loves me". after hearing her whisper a few minutes earlier and then hearing her say this, my mind was bamboozled. (yes bamboozled haha) i dont know that i can say this for anyone except my mom, and one of my ex boyfriends. maybe my best friend scott too. they know me in and out. my deepest darkest craziest side. they know all my secrets. they've seen me at my worst. and they love me. some dont have even one of those. i am grateful to have them, each such a different kind of love. tho i dont see them much. i feel their love, even in this country.
my turn came and all i could say was, "my mom because after all she has been thru, she still dances." and its true. and if my mom can do it, so can i. there are times i didnt know if i would make it, because of her, yes. but there are way more than triple those times that i definitely wouldnt have made it with out her.
oh little birdy woman, love yourself.
yesterday i bought a little bag with an elephant on it, because im a sucker for those guys. the guy who rang me up said..."you're american?" i didnt know if i should smile or not at this question, because it seemed more like a statement and ive noticed that as soon as i walk into a bar or a beach i hear the word american and i dont understand how this is so noticeable. and if its good or bad. anywho, i said "yes, how did you know?" he laughed which again left me to confusion and then he invited me to go to the beach for "group hugs". ohhhhhh how i wanted to miss the bus to the ashram and run with him to the beach for these group hugs that would probably be a revelation to me haha. he explained that a bunch of people gather in a spot and just all hug for a long time every saturday at 6pm. yumm.
and this brings me to the topic of this blog. physical touch. yesterday i gave a thai massage, and it was honestly my first human contact physically this whole month. and even before i came here, that was so seldom to none in my life. this made giving a massage so weird to me. to be honest, acro-yoga/yoga with a partner and thai massage have been the two things ive enjoyed here. (besides singing duh) i really have fallen in love with thai massage. and i think i will go to south east asia in this format: cambodia to volunteer with refugees, thailand to ride an elephant, sleep in a bungalow on the beach, and get certified in thai massage, then vietnam. i cant decide if i want to keep traveling alone like this, or find someone who wants to do these things or other things in the same part. sometimes i think it would be more fun, especially when i see this in action as i people watch in these places.
or perhaps i should hold out for this travel partner. this goofy boy in his
oversized plaid and his corduroy heart. inspiration on his breath. then
we shall take his guitar and my harmonica and get by just fine on minimum
wage as we swing life away. standing up to Hitler with our hands behind
our backs for the sake of those in need. haha. too much? nope.    
but yes, thailand for massage school in the midst of all that. thai massage is a lot like making love. ha. hear me out ok? when this woman was laying in front of me, i put my hands to my heart and asked that love would flow from me to her, that she would feel warmth and healing, to her heart also. i saw this woman and with out knowing her name, i thought of all the things she has been thru in life that i dont even know about. what brought her here. she had sores all over her feet from our practices and bites all over her legs. she looked tired. maybe in her late 40's. i wondered if she had a family. i wanted to take away any pain she had, physically and emotionally. i wanted her to be happy. when you make love to someone, someone you truly love, you're giving everything to their body that you can, to please them. youre not being selfish, you just want them to feel good. with thai massage i felt this way, in a pure form. is this weird? ah. i am weird. deal with it. and then it was her turn to give me the massage. and i truly felt love thru her hands. maybe its because ive lacked that physical touch from someone for so long. but to me it was loving. it was almost spiritual. maybe its because we had all just meditated for a few hours, haha. but i felt loved. and after, because we are all in mauna (silence) the only thank you i could give her was a small namaste bow with my hands in prayer position at my heart. ah, and then i went ahead and hugged her. she squeezed so tight it was as if we did know each other. a good 3 minute hug i'd say. again, the longest hug ive had in a while. and it felt good, even from a stranger. just boggles my mind, this effect of human touch.
don't cry until my shoulder is available
when people here ask what i do i start saying, "ohhh...i do this and a little of this and sometimes i model and sometimes i do this too and now i think i'll teach some yoga and maybe even start doing thai massage and oh i'd really like to work with kids in need, maybe foster children. sometimes i do this already..." then i see their face and stop talking. my bunk mate responded, "wow. that's not very yogi of you." and i wondered if she meant the modeling, the bud light promoting, or the ring girl gig. "being a jack of many trades but a master of none." all i could think was wtf? i am a master at my trades. i love them all. so what if i want to be a rainbow and be a little bit of everything. one thing is boring. i want to experience tons of different things, professions, places. i dont want to sit still. maybe thats why i dont feel like i belong here (like many places anyhow), but im making the most of it. like the augusteum in rome. becoming tons of different things thru out time but always remaining in tact of who it is. (if you've read eat pray love you get it. if not, silly you.. go grab a copy. but dont watch the movie or else you wont.)
i do however enjoy how in class when the teacher says, "ok students stand up and stretch for 2 minutes to wake yourself up a bit"... no one stands up and stretches their arms or bends forward like i remember in high school. but everyone stands on their heads or balances on their shoulders with their feet in lotus position. makes me want to go see the cirque de soleil. and there my mind goes a wanderin'......
any who, be a rainbow. dont sit still if you dont want to. if youre thinking about cats and gelato and what to paint next and writing a song in your head while youre supposed to be thinking solely about breath..... well then youre a lot like me and i dont know what to tell you. except that most of the world doesnt know what to do with us, so we better just keep being vagabonds. because there is no point in living life small. dont settle for a life less than what you are capable of living. become more colorful. mix up those paints and use yo fingersss.
and dangit miss that bus and go to the freaking group hug!
don't you dare. dont you do it...
p.s. going back to the topic of glasses...i cant stop thinking about these exact
ones, but im not one to buy something for over $20 really (because i rather travel)
but i can not find these as knock offs!!! argh.

Friday, February 25, 2011

If anyone deserves your love my friend, it's YOU ♥

LOVE is what i gotttt,
i said remember that ;)
Sometimes what you need to tell others, is what you need to hear most. I've learned this while at Enchanted Mountain learning to teach yoga. So true in all aspects. The week I get back from here I am getting home on a monday, have to be in laredo on thursday, shreveport on friday, and ny on sunday. "travel sized model" to a T... and i love it  
I will be home for 3 nights, and savoring every moment of it. while home I am shooting 1 day with an amazing amazing photographer and there will be publication, i am ecstatic. I am also doing an interview on love advice one of those days, that pays really well....and then while in NY i have been requested to co-host a radio show where i will again, be giving out love advice. i find this almost comical, because i dont feel the best at relationships at all haha, as i'm sure you know, but i do have a rather large purrrspective on the subject. i get a lot of messages from girls asking one of two things: either how to get started modeling, or about love. yesterday i received a message that asked three questions on the subject: how do you love yourself, how do you feel deserving of love, and how do you love back? i dont know if i know the answer to any of those questions, i do however have very much to say on each subject...
i think the issue on loving yourself can only be solved with listing the things that you dont love about yourself. (altho most would probably say the opposite) then, once you have that list ask yourself why you dont love those things. because everything about you is that way for a reason, a beautiful reason. even if it causes harm right now. the perspective of these things is what needs to change. every part of you that you dislike can be changed, but really, i think you should just turn it into art. embrace it. lean into it to make you a deeper woman or man of compassion and emotion. (of course this is different if we are speaking of addictions or something, but in this blog im talking about your inner emotions, thoughts, your personality of course)
we first learn love from our parents. if their love wasnt made obvious to us as children, then we always struggle with love, until we learn to deal with it differently. we all have an inner child, that is still seeking that which we as children lacked. security, love, affirmation, protection, nurture. we grow into adults and then search for that thing that we lacked only by clinging to things that give us more of a need for it because we are used to that whole inside us being there. 
in the past (and sometimes in the present when i slip because we all do), i tend to cling to guys that make me feel unwanted, since i felt unwanted as a although my inner child craves security and love, i keep the craving going by clinging to things i dont need because its such a deep insecurity. it becomes our personal drug. but once we realize what "our inner child" needs, we have found the root of the issue, and we can give OURSELVES the love we need. 
this helps us realize triggers too. what triggers us to act a certain way in conflict. (i've wrote blogs about my disassociation in the midst of conflict) 
the larger issue here, is realizing that you already have all the love you need.
you're going to think im weird, but sometimes you just have to tell yourself that you love yourself, and that you will never leave yourself. it sounds weird, how can you leave yourself?? but that is the point. you will always have your love. and that is all you need.
if we look for that in someone else we will just be that needy girl or guy, making that person our drug, craving it and going thru withdrawals when they dont give over the attention we think we need. 
we get rejected by someone we love, and we think we are not worth loving. but if you are not the flag they wish to wave, leave them with their people. because you darling, are a catch. just because you feel like a pebble in one persons shoe, doesnt mean that you are not a diamond to somebody else. everyone is a catch to someone. and one day im sure, that person of your past will realize how much he or she loves you. and guess what? you will be laying next to the person who already knew. and you will feel like that diamond. so just keep shining cupcake. :)
you have to love YOURSELF. you have to embrace even the dark parts of yourself that you think people would run away from. im an open book i know and have no secrets. (as you can see from these blogs, and ive been told by many not to write them, and im sure this is wise) but this is all i know to do. 
this is a piece of my art. a piece of my heart.
NOTHING is guaranteed, except your own love for yourself. 
this makes it hard for us to share our secrets and our dark side. but this is what makes us beautiful. we have to love that side of us. share it. make it into a story.
love is tough. but all you can do is work on loving yourself, and let the other 2 fall closely behind. and let go of your fears.
send love and light to those that have hurt you, and then believe in love again. ♥
one smart monkey :) 
come up with a mantra to say, like mine, but fit for you. and take 5 deep breathes before and after you say it. i know it sounds cheesy but it works. ♥ always come back to your breathe. be grateful that you have it. the mind can get so crazy. calm yourself with your breathe. ♥
and really do some soul searching to find the ROOT of the issues. if you dont find the root and you just look for the "feeling fixer" all the issues will come back again. weeds always come back anyhow, yes? as we can see from our over-medicated country. and when you find those roots, deal with them. i had to forgive my parents, realizing that they only hurt me because they were hurt. my dad did drugs not because he didnt love me, it was because he was trying to take away his own pain. my mom wasnt the way she was because she didnt love me enough, she truly just wanted to ease her pain. and now, she is the best mom in the world i think. we have to picture them as children, being hurt by their parents too. just wanting love. they sometimes dont know how to be parents because no one taught them, ya know. every one is scared. every one just wants to ease their pain and be happy. we are never alone. 
besides, the happy hardly worth your while ;)
and when we do find our match, safety and love just warms us, and we feel like we belong in their arms. its not forced, and it's not made into our drug. but we feel made for that spot, right there in their arms.
and always do what you love in the process of learning to love yourself ♥ 
write. paint. play the xylophone. lay under the sun and count all the beautiful things you see. climb that tree. lay in the shade with your favorite book. swing your hips to those beautiful blues on the east side. express yourself in a way that makes you love those dark parts, and you'll inspire others to along the way ♥
you are who you are. love it. and dont you dare hide it. 
these quotes are amazing to meditate on:
"I used to think I was the strangest person in the world, but then I thought, there are so many people in the world; there must be someone just like me who feels bizarre and flawed in the same ways I do. I would imagine her, and imagine that she must be out there thinking of me, too. Well, I hope that if you are out there and read this and know that, yes, it’s true, I’m here, and I’m just as strange as you."
Frida Kahlo  

I have a woman’s body and a child’s emotions.
Elizabeth Taylor

The world is full of ridiculous, crazy people. The only way to deal is to be even crazier & more ridiculous.

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, and don’t put up with people that are reckless with yours.

Life is too damn short and fucked up to go through it silently loving someone and never telling them how you feel. Fuck the consequences, fuck the implications of the actions, to hell with it all… whatever happens as a result is better than the nothingness that is inevitable with silence.
Janis Joplin (via moonsiren)

Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb
a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring ♥

picture you in the sun, wondering what went wrong
i know i would apologize, if i could see your eyes

And the answer that you're seeking
For the question that you found
Drives you further to confusion
As you lose your sense of ground

I'm very blessed to be at the ashram. i am grateful, i promise. some people have never even left the city they live in. but this place is very much messing with my head. guru lurey said im not embodied. i dont understand this. i feel that im always in the moment. constantly feeling. constantly soaking in an experience. but embodied? a co-worker said this once too, although she was just trying to hurt my feelings and get me fired, it still sunk deep. and now here at an ashram too. is there something wrong with me? or am i just like every other american, a.d.d. and going 100 miles an hour? sometimes while everyone is in their pose im in mine as well, but so gazed at a tree, wanting to climb it, read a book in it, have a harmonica playing la dee da and then i realize everyone has moved to the next pose and here i am in the last one with the sound of the harmonica in my head and my insides happy.
maybe im just not a yogi like everyone else here. there is a man that has been in mauna (silence) for 50 years. to me i would feel im wasting life, but to him his life is so fulfilled. and thats fine. neither of us are wrong. but it boggles my mind. a few fast 3 days a week to perfect their practice of meditation....
standing in front of 30 people and each breath they take depending on when i tell them to take it, each move under my control, just gives me anxiety. maybe i am meant to teach yoga by my lifestyle (the yamas and niyamas of peaceful living) instead of with my body. but the reply of this, "so if it is to just use your body you can be in front of the whole world, but if it is to use skill, you can not do this?" i know i am not just a body tho. right? im embodied? is this how my friends feel towards me? and the children i try to help? the guru had me write down every thought that came to my mind for 20 minutes. ha. so many pages, so much un-organization.
and here it goes:
(ha, if this isn't transparency in front of others i don't know what is)
i don't know if i can write fast enough. i wish my hair wasn't so difficult. i wonder what scott's doing and if he misses our play dates. he's such a good friend. i hope he knows how much i love him. it'll make me cry if i think about it too long...i have such good friends. i really treasure john, sylvia, shaun and george particularly right now. i cant imagine not being able to hang out with them. i wonder how my mom is. i hope she is dancing and smiling and so happy inside. i wonder if me and him will be together. i wonder if we will be stronger or weaker. i dont want to go to hell. i love Jesus, but is my life right for him? i long for him, but does my life keep me from him? ♫ hey hey ma, duaga. jaya jayagamba. ♫ i wonder if the ones i sent that song to liked it. i didnt get replies. ♫ dont forget to breathe. keep your head above water and ♫ i wonder if he has started to become more like his co-workers. he has a good heart. i hope that hasnt changed. he's so tender but acts so tough. his smile. ♫ dont forget to breathe. dont forget to breathe. ♫ i miss dancing with sylvia. i dont want to get old. i love that i am dancing after breakfast here, it'll be such a sweet memory. i feel so young. am i young or old? i wish he would just forgive me, he's so weird. i love peter pan boots. i wonder what else amazing will happen this year. jeez, 14 shoots in NY the week i get back. im excited for quite a few. i want tearsheets. i miss my babies in uganda. i hope they are smiling. healthy. dont cry.  oh their little hands. my heart.  where else can i go? i wonder if ill have a little daughter. karunya danger bryce. hmmm. i miss dexter. i used to watch that with him. why am i so a.d.d.? does lurey like me or not? nah. i feeellll fat. teapot danger cook. i dont like standing on my head. i cant be breaking my neck right now. ugh. why cant we just sing more? south east asia or bali and australia? or korea with trevor? or mayorka with julie? nah not that one. march will be a good month, yep. dreamcatchers. i miss my bed. so empty tho. his smile. sex. hats. blonde. scrabble. money. playboy newsletter. where should i go next? i want to go to movie in the park. how will tc's make me feel now? why am i gaining weight? am i pretty? i feel like i look like uncle fester sometimes. that surfer guy was hot. how long was he going to sit and stare at me for? i was trying to eat my breakfast. was i supposed to say hi? i would have but he still controls my actions. i wish he would stop that. just go away. ugh. yoga teachers are so in touch with whats going on, thats probably why he was staring, something to do with that. whatever im too hyper for that anyway. i need to do something about this weight. but how can i when im stuck in this ashram with all these starches?!? i need to kick ass at bellator. and my march shoots. its so hard to connect with some people. how many dates did i go on last month and not feel connected? have i gotten too tan? i wonder if me and jerry will shoot again. and if i will eat that poptart in NY. how is purrr? i want to color something cool. is something wrong with me or do all think like this? where do i belong? wherever i am! home is wherever i am :) i love austin. im tired of these games. ♫ and here time is slippin, slippin, slipping, into the futurrrre. feed the babies that dont have enough to eat. yeah yeah yeah. ♫ sushi. dance. cheaters, theyre all cheaters. how romanticccc. the town. i hope NY is not cold. breathe. dont think. my effing knee hurts. this isnt what i thought it would be. well kinda. i already said im sorry like 100 times, its like he wants me to die or something before he'll let it go. im exhausteddd. no more writing! she is very pretty. i bet if she knew how much, she wouldnt be worried about her boyfriend being around other girls. i will tell her. i wont forget. oh so tired. 8 more school days. thats all. but they feel like yearsss. 

now do you understand? what a mess. 
i dont want to leave south america. but i dont want to be at the ashram anymore. every afternoon i think about sneaking out with my bag and going to Lima or Buenos Aires until I have to fly home from Rio. whyyyy am i so a.d.d.? i dont want to begin to hate yoga. why do i sleep in shavasana but not in bed? im dreaming too much to rest he says. little la la land girl.
dont get me wrong, there has been magical moments here....

-staring at the full moon from enchanted mountain ♥ there are like 20 bats flying around me. mist/fog rising up from the rainforest. and i can hear monkeys, but not see them. so cinematic. 
-besides being covered in someone else's sweat, couples yoga is badass. balancing your whole body on someone else takes a lot of trust, & its amazing when they say "you are safe". ♥
-I met Figgy. his poses are beautifully perfect. he surfs on our breaks. he is also blind. he plays piano, does jiu jitsu, and rock climbs. "I use this vision for how good is life and to become a better person. my life is very beautiful. my daughters friends make fun of her when i drop her off at school you can imagine what this does to my heart. but i am teaching her that life is beautiful. see the beauty in life, because it is not permanent." he is beautiful, inspiring, and quite the bad ass. and he somehow smiles back at you as soon as you smile at him. :) ♥ never feel limited ♥

but i am ready to go home where i can be hyper. where others think this way. right???

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring" ♥ ok? ok.
yes, further to confusion.....and thats ok too. its a journey.


Sunday, February 20, 2011

Love is my religion ♥

Love is my religion, Love is my religion, Love is my religion

hey you can take it or leave it, and you don't have to believe it
I don't want to fight, hey let's go fly a kite 
there's nothing that we can't cure, and I'll keep you in my arms for sure 
so don't let nobody stop us, free spirits have to soar
with you I share the gift, the gift that we now know 

The other night in wisdom circle, we all joined hands and said in our own language "may all beings everywhere be happy and free". i think there were about 15 different languages spoken. and each were so beautiful. then we sang "we are one. under the moon and under the sun. we are one." all in our own languages. it was so beautiful and somehow in harmony although not in the same language. i looked across the room and truly have never seen such beautiful faces in all my life. and it wasn't their features, it was what they were saying, what their spirits were saying. and i felt beautifully vulnerable. this whole time here, i have felt broken, in a painfully peaceful way. I looked around the room and I felt love for each person. I don't know all their names, or where they're from, but i feel love for them. 
is it weird to love strangers? is it weird to look at a photo of a child in need, and feel love for that little one, and ache for his freedom the way i would a loved one in a hospital bed? i have an ex-boyfriend, who did not understand this. he didnt want me to tell him i loved him, because i told so many people this. but i love everyone, people i havent even met. thats just how my heart works. i was born with an enormous need to love. what he didnt realize maybe, is that i loved his love most. but i never got him to understand this, this love i have for others, and especially this love i have for him. and now he's gone. with my broken pieces in his hands.
but still i dance.

and i have fallen in love with this foreign love here in Brazil by the way ♥ everyone runs into each others arms here the way as a child i ran into my...sandbox(?)...they pick flowers and play with each others hair. It is rare to see love like i see in guru lurey and mirjam. she walks up to him and says, "hi, can i hold you for a little while?" and he answers, "you can hold me for a long time". he has his crazy crazy hair. and he asks her if it looks ok and she answers, "yes, and this one here, this is my favorite curl" ♥ ive never seen them look at each other with out smiling. I asked her, how this happened, and she answered, "sometimes you just have to let go of your fears and let love happen".  such a simple answer, one sentence. yet so complex to grasp. to just let go. 
one night after yin yoga mirjam sang sanskrit mantra. it seemed like the rain & insects in the rainforest were her instruments. it was the most beautiful thing i've ever heard. like lil joshua's voice in uganda. lurey started to sing w/her. their voices were in such harmony, just like their spirits. ive honestly never heard such beauty. my tears covered my mat. best valentines gift ever. i wont let this memory fade. ♥

oh, and i had my palm read.....
"oh you have a cool palm. you are so persistent. and sensitive. there are a lot of negative influences that have come against you in your life. you must not forget to meditate because you are very sensitive and have lots of emotion and you can become burdened. but you are rational and this will help you. you are going to travel very much. really. maybe so not attached, but here there is a positive attachment. you will have good life with this partner. very positive you two. but after some negative ones. 3 children, but one is not the same. maybe adopted, maybe not born. if you want maybe you can have 4 but i dont think so. you will always have 3-4 professions, wow. but they all tie into your spirituality and your destiny. your life is so long, and is better than what most thought it would be. you will die in a different place than expected, i think in another country. you are not an angry person, never you get angry really. people carry anger in their hips. but you for 3 days i have felt i must push with my feet on your shoulder blades because here is hurt and fear, this you have, not anger, from the negative influences."
kind of a cool reading :) i do have 3-4 professions all the time, haha. but i dont think ill have so many kiddos. i think it might just be me and my backpack. maybe one kid. maybe no guy. 
i shared this with a friend and he reminded me that my God is a jealous God, and that he doesnt want me putting faith in mans words for my future. this meant so much to me, and made me appreciate this person so much more :) the cool thing about yoga, is that its intention is to bring you even closer to your beliefs, whatever they are. so if Jesus is your savior, you will end up embracing him even more. at wisdom circle, as they sing to shiva, i am singing to my Jesus♥ a different ex boyfriend once told me i only love God so much because i am "so uneducated". me and him never saw eye to eye anyways, but why do i have to be "so educated" when love is my religion? i am always being educated on love. always. 

Ahimsa means peaceful action. It is the first yama that we as yogis have to develop in our practice. 
this is my own interpretation of Ahimsa. I have dwelled on it a lot and this is what it means to me. 

It is living in love. it is about seeing into someone's intentions and not just their actions. seeing why they do the things they do. when someone is mean to you, it is because someone has been mean to them. if someone has hurt you, it is because someone has hurt them. when i am feeling hurt towards someone, i often play the song "long time sun" and think of that person, and focus the words of that song on them, letting it be my prayer for them. i truly feel lighter by the end of the song. offer those who have hurt you love. you dont know what causes them to be this way. cure it with compassion. if you live this way, you will empower others to live this way surely. (and think of the opposite effect) you are always influencing someone for the positive or the negative. so many times we say we have compassion on the suffering, but we forget that those who hurt us, are suffering. we each suffer, we all just want to be happy. 

the italian maxim spread came out in this months issue and the headline of the spread read, 
"jade bryce, beautiful, generous, texan, a girl that travels the world with a backpack full of humor"
i'd like that to be me. i want to be generous. and i want to travel the world with humor in my backpack. like dora the explorer. just me and my goofy monkey!! :)

♥ I love you, but Jesus loves you best, and i bid you a goodnight, now wont you lay your head on your savior's chest 

My favorite place so far in Brazil, this little waterfall where I :)

Murchison Falls in Uganda, very liberating :)
Nile River, right next to where they spread Gandhi's ashes 

p.s. this blog goes out to the fan that always sends me such beautiful emails as if they are his journal entry. he has inspired me by all his reminders of how i inspire him ♥ you know who you are, and you are about to have a big break through :)