Saturday, January 13, 2018

If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die. ❤

Writers are desperate, if they stop being desperate they
stop writing. I don't know what makes a writer, but
I don't think it's being happy all the time.
**as i went to publish my most recent blog, this was saved to my drafts from july 2013. I'm not sure what else i had to say at the end, but i thought i'd hit publish anyhow...**

I've been struggling with beginning my book (besides on my notes section of my iphone) The goal is to use my time off april-june to go away somewhere & just focus on that. hopefully out of the country. ill work to pay my expenses.. i posted this, & got a few amazing job offers, but I won't take an offer from anyone that's just trying to get me in bed. & unfortunately there are some slime balls out there. i deeply desire to be an actress & i wouldnt even sleep with spielberg for a part if it was offered, so i sure as hell wont sleep with someone for an overseas gig. the most annoying part is wasting time & hopes in the emails. so we'll see if something true comes thru.

this blog is about writing. about why we should write. not everything below is mine...i wish it was. but I just wanted it all in one place for the both of us. i hope it inspires you to pick up a pen. there are certain things that i read that make me smile while still crying tears of passion. for once, i belong. for once, i fit. for once, im understood. thats what these passages do for me. whenever i am feeling like an alien, feeling alone, i read these & know that somewhere, someone understands. 

"Happiness in intelligent people is
the rarest thing I know." - Einstein
to his therapist. 
“You should date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read. 
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn. 
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book. 
Buy her another cup of coffee. 
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does. 
She has to give it a shot somehow. 
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world. 
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two. 
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series. 
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. 
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype. 
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots. 
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads. 
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

Date a girl who writes. 
Date a girl who may never wear completely clean clothes, because of coffee stains and ink spills. She’ll have many problems with her closet space, and her laptop is never boring because there are so many words, so many worlds that she’s cluttered amidst the space. Tabs open filled with obscure and popular music. Interesting factoids about Catherine the Great, and the immortality of jellyfish. Kiss her under the lamppost, when it’s raining. Tell her your definition of love.
Find a girl who writes. You’ll know that she has a sense of humor, a sense of empathy and kindness, and that she will dream up worlds, universes for you. She’s the one with the faintest of shadows underneath her eyelids, the one who smells of coffee and jasmine green tea. You see that girl hunched over a notebook. That’s the writer. With her fingers occasionally smudged with ink that will travel onto your hands when you interlock your fingers with her’s. She will never stop, churning out adventures, of  Darkness and light. Fear and love. That’s the writer. She can never resist filling a blank page with words, whatever the color of the page is.
She’s the girl reading while waiting for her coffee and tea. She’s the quiet girl with her music turned up loud (or impossibly quiet), separating the two of you by an ocean of crescendos and decrescendos as she’s thinking of the perfect words. If you take a peek at her cup, the tea or coffee’s already cold. She’s already forgotten it.If she raises her head, offer to buy her another cup of coffee. Or of tea. She’ll repay you with stories. If she closes her laptop, Tell her your characters, your dreams, and ask if she gotten through her first novel.
It is hard to date a girl who writes. But be patient with her. Give her books for her birthday, pretty notebooks for Christmas and for anniversaries, moleskins and bookmarks and many, many books. Give her the gift of words, for writers are talkative people, and they are verbose in their thanks. Let her know that you’re behind her every step of the way, for the lines between fiction and reality are fluid. She’ll give you a chance.
She’ll be disappointed by your lies, but a girl who writes will understand. She’ll understand that sometimes even the greatest heroes fail, and that happy endings take time, both in fiction and reality. A girl who writes will understand your flaws. She will cherish them, because a girl who writes will understand plot. She’ll understand that endings happen for better or for worst.
A girl who writes will not expect perfection from you. Her narratives are rich, her characters are multifaceted because of interesting flaws. She’ll understand that a good book does not have perfect characters; villains and tragic flaws are the salt of books. She’ll understand trouble, because it spices up her story. No author wants an invincible hero; the girl who writes will understand that you are only human.
If you find a girl who writes, keep her close. If you find her at two AM, typing furiously, the neon gaze of the light illuminating her furrowed forehead, place a blanket gently on her so that she does not catch a chill. Make her a pot of tea, and sit with her. You may lose her to her world for a few moments, but she will come back to you, brimming with treasure. You will believe in her every single time, the two of you illuminated only by the computer screen, but invincible in the darkness.
She is your Shahrazad. When you are afraid of the dark, she will guide you, her words turning into lanterns, turning into lights and stars and candles that will guide you through your darkest times. She’ll be the one to save you
You will smile hard as she talks a mile a second, and your heart will skip a beat when she holds your hand and she will write stories of your lives together. She’ll hold you close and whisper secrets into your ears. 
Because that is the best part about a girl who writes. She has imagination and she has courage, and it will be enough. She’ll save you in the oceans of her dreams, and she’ll be your catharsis and your 11:11. 
Maybe she’s not the best at grammar, but that is okay.
Date a girl who writes because you deserve it. She’s witty, she’s empathetic, enigmatic at times and she’s lovely. She’s got the most colorful life. Date a girl who writes because a girl who writes reads."

Our second mind.

It's been about 4.5 years since my last blog, which was about depression. I've thought about starting this page up again multiple times, but I've been so tired. Which has to do with what this blog is about. 
I posted the above photo on instagram, which i didn't think was a huge difference visually, but i posted it because i also felt so much better.. & wanted to share the protocol i used for that month. I received over 150 messages in that next 24 hours. I chose to send the info in direct messages because part of the protocol is really different than most people are used to. 
Before writing everything out, I want to explain that i know a lot of my views are controversial & I'm not here to say my views are the right way. These are just that- my views. They may not be for you. Secondly I want to say that I plan on updating this blog weekly from here out. I do not plan on blogging about things similar to this one, but like before- about things on my heart. my struggles, my lessons, love & relationships, parenting, and whatever you guys want to read about. I plan on my next blog actually being a follow up to my last one about depression. where I'm at on that, & how that year ended up- because i stayed. 
But for now- 

For the last few years (& off & on through out my life) I've had some serious brain fog. I've had multiple night wakings which seem to have gotten worse over time- I felt this was what was causing my exhaustion. I've been moody. But my stomach has been bloated this past year in a way that concerned me. It had happened before, but then I cut out gluten. then another time, & i cut out whey. I thought i had fixed the issue both times.. but this time I knew something deeper was up. Doctors acted like it was a vanity issue & were extremely dismissive of my concerns. Homeopathic doctors felt it was emotional. exercise wasn't helping. I was pretty desperate. During 2 different plant medicine ceremonies (which i plan on blogging about as well), i asked for answers. I was shown my gut, & it was dark. I saw desserts, but I wasn't certain what that meant other than to clean up my diet a bit. i eat super healthy, but was unaware how addicted i was to sugar. i had it multiple times a day, because it is in a ton of "healthy" items that i indulged in. sometimes in these ceremonies we're shown something & are unclear at first on what it means & then all of a sudden weeks later it becomes crystal clear. I'm not sure why this one took me so long, but the message was all of a sudden obvious- my gut health needed some work.
our gut health is known as our 2nd mind. so many of our emotions & moods are due to it. For the month of December I did a few things to focus hard on it. I'm an all in type of person, i either have to do it almost obsessively, or i tend to not be dedicated at all. so i did these with 100%. i truly believe that all 3 of these things need to be done together, but you will find whats best for you. go with your gut. ;)

On Dec 4th, I started a 30 day challenge with arbonne. Jessica Musselman helped me so much on this. She sent me the specific products that were best for me. You can connect with her here: or or you can email her at
The products I used focused on restoring the gut, detoxing, & weight loss. She really knows her stuff & has had some amazing results herself that initially were what sold me on using the brand instead of others. It was important to me that they were cruelty free & with out questionable ingredients. At this point, I'm even considering becoming a rep but want to make sure its something I'd be good at (like i said, I'm all or nothing.)

The 2nd thing that I did was work on my candida. This is SO important. on the arbonne challenge you can not have sugar. i knew i could do this, but i also knew that on day 31 i would treat myself for completing the challenge.... with a sugar filled dessert. i wanted to kill this habit & craving. i had no idea the difference i would feel after (i feel YOUNGER, haha), & i honestly didn't know if it was possible... until i learned about candida. there is too much to it for me to put in a small section of a blog, so please learn about it. the gist is that candida grows in us with the more sugar that we eat, & also makes us crave sugar- the more candida, the more the sugar cravings. majority of us have candida, but some of us have candida overgrowth. abstaining from sugar, and taking herbs that kill candida are how to get rid of it. i used .. but there are plenty of good products out there. It's important to also do a parasite cleanse with it. candida & parasites thrive in the same environment, so if you have one it's likely that you have the other. A lot of people have parasites & don’t know it. It causes a lot of gut issues, rids us of necessary nutrients (even if we’re taking supplements), & even makes us moody/fatigued- especially around full & new moon. The parasite cleanse i took is no longer in stock on amazon, but there are plenty good ones to choose from. Humaworm is not sold anywhere besides their website, but they have cleanses for both issues. i plan on using them next time i do this. You can also have papaya smoothies daily- i did the seeds (which are what kill any parasites & detox), the fruit itself (amazing for hair & skin), unsweetened almond milk, some cayenne, & a tbs of coconut oil.

The 3rd thing i did is the one where i may lose you. but trust me, the benefits are so worth sharing. also, before i gross you out too much... know that almost every one of my model friends do them as well. it's just not talked about, haha. Gwyneth paltrow just so happened to go public about them recently. COFFEE ENEMAS. they're not as scary or gross as they sound. & that's coming from someone who doesn't even go to the bathroom when her boyfriend of 4 years is home, haha. sure, any enema is uncomfortable the first time... but then you don't even think about it. it is the #1 way to cleanse the liver, organs, and gut. it rids you of parasites/candida (especially if doing the 2nd thing i listed). A lot of us have parasites, & they cause issues that we blame on other things. Either way, it’s just good to get any we may have.. out, right? I did these for the last 2 weeks of the 30 days, after adjusting my diet with arbonne & taking the herbs that kill candida/parasites. coffee enemas have healed so many people with so many different issues. especially after paltrow came out about them tho, there were a lot of negative articles about them.. but we have to understand that big pharma wants us sick. its how they make their money. so do your research, but pay attention to who the info is coming from- & what the motives are. there are countless stories of people with cancer, diabetes, endometriosis, etc, that were able to treat their sickness with coffee enemas. there are a few facebook groups that you can join to get more info as well & to be educated during your journey- "bottoms up", & "coffee enema support group". also, this was the kit i ordered-

As with any cleanse or detox, you feel like crud at first. it sucks. but then you get over that period & you reap the benefits. i feel younger, more clear headed, less tired, & my stomach looks & feels completely different. I'm still on this journey because i want to get even better of course. 
lastly, these 3 things go hand in hand perfectly because they all have to do with the gut. while ridding yourself of the bad bacterias, you always need to make sure you"re restoring the good- we need those. that's why arbonne was so important as well. there are people who did just arbonne for the 30 days, & have great results also. this is just what i recommend for TOTAL gut health. 

So there you go, that was my protocol for the 30 days.

I know that was a lot of info, & A LOT different than my previous blogs about depression, adventure, & shoots. Next week I'll post about joy being around the corner of depression, & some about plant medicine/shamanic healings. 

in the meantime, want to get a coffee?? ;)

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Excelsior in Summertime Sadness...

To read is to cover one's face. And to write is to show it.
Here's mine.
I've now lived in LA for 2 years... and every.single.month. i want to go "home"-back to austin. i can't afford LA and i'm not booking anything thats worth staying here for. But i also dont want to give up too easily. i rather be an "oh well" person than a "what if" type of person. plus, if it were easy, everyone would do it. i knew it wouldnt be easy. i just desperately miss having good hearted girlfriends that will swing dance with me in a dive bar any night of the week after we spent the day reading poetry to each other in a kayak. i miss affordability. i miss eye contact that is 10 out of 10 times followed by a smile.
i miss everyone riding their bikes to the natural springs or to movie in the park. drenched in sweat from the texas heat but still snuggling up next to each other. i miss the city where young people go to retire. i miss safety. today i walked to a coffee shop and asked "is it safe for me to stick around here a bit and write then walk back home, about half a mile?" and all 3 workers immediately responded with no's. "not unless you have a knife or mase." in austin i used to go far into the east side (before people realized it was a hidden treasure) to blues dance. i drove my vw thing and wore my saddle shoes and it held me  
hey little girl wont you dance those
blues away...
together every week. i was the only white girl most nights, the only lights were from the year round christmas trees, and there was free chili in the crockpot on the bar. people in there could hardly afford the $5 cover ... but ... they were happy. swaying their hips to the harmonica and stomping their feet to the drums. an old man in the corner playing the sax to the blues band. there was no place i rather be. it never got old. but in the bottom of my heart i always wanted to act. years went by living there and it broke my heart to leave a city i knew i could be happy in forever to go pursue something that may never even happen. but i did. 2 years later im writing this. 

this month i had to sublet out my place and stay on friends couches so that i can afford to stay in LA. usually on a work break i would take off to an orphanage and play the hokey pokey with children that love to dance... giving to each other joy unspeakable. thats not in budget out here and while staying with friends can be exhausting, im doing what i have to do. yesterday i was driving on the 101 thru hollywood, not having the best mindset on it. a blue ford festiva cut me off. i didnt think those cars were around anymore at all, haha. (the car jim carey drives in 'fun with dick and jane' when he goes bankrupt). this moment was really meant to be for me because i had that car once. in high school. i called it the blueberry, haha. and not only that, i lived in it for part of my junior year. i had a dreamcatcher hanging on the inside and painted "lets go for a starry night drive" on the side. it was tiny. 2 guys would pick it up and hide it
behind the dumpster to scare me, haha. but i made it my home, what was important was that i was finishing school. after lunch breaks i used to ask to go to the bathroom but go down to the soda machines to see if anyone had forgotten their change so that i could use it to buy a pack of tortillas to eat for that week. they were cheap and filled you up.. but needless to say i cant stand flour tortillas now and i was definitely not in shape. that car lasted me a year. i had bought it for $850 from a stripper, and when it broke down a year later i traded it for a c.d. player. how perfect was it for one to cut me off and remind me of that time in my life. while living in that car, i was headed down a path that is nothing like the one that i am on today. i was rescued. funny i called it the blueberry as well... because those are good for you, and that time was really good for me. it was hard being a highschooler and living in a car, but its made me who i am today. im more understanding because of it. youve got to make your mess ... your message. and now i can look back and say, "phew.. right now isnt THAT bad". and all i can hope is that years from now i will look back at this time and laugh as well.
live the questions...
It's strange how a lot of people see having a cold or the flu as a sickness that's not really your fault. But when you struggle with depression it's not seen as a sickness at all.. it's usually just misunderstood. That's why when i'm struggling theres not a single person in my phone (out of over 2k contacts) that i can call and talk to about it. it's not understood. C.S. Lewis says, "Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say 'my tooth is aching' than to say 'my heart is broken'..."
I do believe in self help and natural healing. But you have to become an expert at recognizing triggers. It's hard when you feel yourself shutting down because all that does is make you more depressed because it reminds you that you're not exactly "ok". But I know that all
seasons pass. You have to stay alive. There are good days and bad days and even if theyre not equal you have to learn to live for the good days. Honestly, the reason I've never committed suicide when i've battled before is because I'm scared that means that I'd go to hell. You can think i'm stupid for thinking that but that's been the case since i was 10, which is when it first started to cross my mind. I know this is a very transparent blog, but i dont want you to feel alone.
sometimes social media can make you feel even more alone. You see every one's 'highlight reel' and compare it to your 'behind the scenes'. We tend to only post the good and the party photos. why would anyone post photos of themselves sad and be a debbie downer? so we forget that others get sad too. but we've all cried ourselves to sleep, we all just want the same thing - to be happy. but all we see are the happy status updates on fb & the bride to be or happy mommy posts. we dont see what's behind closed doors. we dont see that the new mom thats so starry eyed at her child had to apply for food stamps to take on the added expense. we dont see that the lady who posts positive quotes every day does so because she's reminding herself to live as she struggles with depression. we dont see that our happily in love friend still has nightmares about her abusive parents. or that the guy who just got a huge break in his career is also having to break up with his gf of 5 years... maybe a few of these has applied to me, or maybe i know people like this personally... but what its taught me is that no one "has it together" in the way we think they do. we all are really just trying to figure this out. yet we forget and we feel alone.
but im reminding both of us, that we're not.

which one is worth giving up?

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

dont ever allow ANYTHING to steal your excitement for the future, there are surprises waiting just around the bend.

She wanted something to happen. something, anything.
She did not know what.
The most asked question in radio & magazine interviews that i do is "How did you get started in modeling?" I get messages often from aspiring models asking the same thing. To be honest, I never wonder that about other models… but maybe the reason I'm asked is because it's just odd that I get modeling work at all. i'm 5'3 (ahem, travel sized) with a gap in my teeth and a bunch of other traits people like to make fun of in their blogs. 
but the story of how i got started often boggles my mind about how life works and how one person can change everything forever, so here it is:

Collect moments, not things.
In October of 2009 i posted a Facebook status saying something like: "Hey, I'm going to backpack & couch surf the bottom tip of California to the top tip of California, I'm going to stop at Treasure Island Music Festival along the way. Any and all can join me, I'm leaving in 2 weeks." 
Quaintrelle - (n.) a woman who emphasizes a life of passion, expressed
through personal style, leisurely pastimes, charm, and cultivation
of life's pleasures.
I lived in Austin at the time, and if you know anything about my town its that the people are down for anything. Their tuned in for adventure and living life like a story. That's my home & i miss it incredibly. 2 people confirmed that they would  and could join. The night before leaving I met a long haired young musician (those are just so hard to find in Austin haha) that seemed crazy fun so i told him to come along.
The 4 of us left the next day, picked up a waitress along the way that wanted to see San Francisco, and sang our hearts out to paramore and meiko as we filled up on pringles and twizzlers. i was the only one in the car that didn't sing professionally, but they didn't mind that i chimed in. Every part of the trip was amazing. But it was in Ocean Beach San Diego that my path changed.
You get a strange feeling when youre in the midst of an adventure.
like you'll not only miss this moment and these people, but you'll
miss the person you are now at this time & this place, because you'll
never be this way ever again.

I was sitting on the sidewalk outside a coffee shop making jewelry with a beautiful gypsy girl that I had met, and a man came up to me and asked if he could photograph me. He introduced the woman with him as his girlfriend and told me that he had been looking for a model with a gap in her teeth for years but hadnt found the one. I thanked him for the compliment but told him that there was no way i could shoot with him. i wasn't a model and didn't feel like i could be one. he showed me his portfolio and told me "let me just show you what i can do with your look, if you don't

"I hate being so emotionally slutty. i need to stop loving everyone
i have a long conversation with." (in Ocean Beach)
like it…we'll toss the images." his photos were amazing and raw. even tho i felt like i could ruin his portfolio, i told him i'd try it out the next day before heading out of town. 
man in a van down by the river :P
The next day I met him on sunset cliffs in ocean beach and we shot for a few hours. I found out that day that he and his girlfriend lived in a van there in OB with their dog, and were very aware of peoples energies. When they had to go to the bathroom, one of them would hold a bag for the other one to go to the bathroom in. That's pretty close, haha. She had a gentle spirit and he loved to tell stories. We exchanged emails and i continued on my adventure across California.

Stayed in Hollywood a bit and one of the guys booked
a gig at the Roxy....

Slept under the dome in the San Francisco Palace
of fine arts 

I was the shyest human ever invented. but i had a lion inside me
that wouldn't shut up.

The others continued to explore SF and i headed
to Treasure Island music festival for the weekend

i kind of forgot about the shoot, and took off to Uganda, Africa a month and half later. i spent 6 weeks living in Kitoola Village with children I'll never forget. their freedom is what's behind my smile. 
When i got home it took me a while to recoup fro
m all that i had seen there, and I'm still aching to help. I found out that the photographer had made me a page on a modeling site, and when i logged into it i not only saw the photos we had made together but also had a quite a few booking requests. i thought that it was cool that he captured my emotions in the photos. that they even seemed to tell a bit of a story. it made me want to create more. i decided that if i was getting booked, id go with it… why not give it a year and see where it goes? if it doesn't go anywhere, id see it as an adventure and since id always hoped to act, thought maybe it could get my foot in the door somehow….
that year that i gave it a go i was published in italian maxim and FIGHT! magazine… while backpacking Barcelona the photographer for maxim shot me for the issue, and in the
interview they asked what my favorite sport was, i said MMA. the photographer for FIGHT! magazine, paul thatcher saw that spread and decided to shoot me for their issue.
i almost didn't shoot with FIGHT! because they don't cover costs and they were in vegas, but I'm glad that i did because Bellator saw that issue and contacted me to be their "bellators blonde bombshell". 
it's funny how one person can change everything. how one YES can change everything. 
i decided to take a road trip across the country, shoot with a man who lived in his van
Robert F. Donahue and i on sunset cliffs

So wherever you are, thank you thank you:)
with his girlfriend, and it changed everything. 
if it weren't for him, i wouldn't have moved to LA & know my wonderful room mates, i wouldn't have my job with bellator, i wouldn't be in memphis right now with my best friend Tom (had i not moved to LA me and Tom would not have gotten close), i wouldn't have dated the guy that i dated last year, and i wouldn't even be writing this blog. that man in his van by the beach changed so much for me. and i almost said no. 
i think some of my best decisions were made with out thinking.
1st shoot ever, he of course made me show my
gap in every image...
this week i have really been questioning where my life is headed. i think we all tend to feel a little "pointless" sometimes. i just want to be used. a vessel. i want others to live because i lived. i want young girls to believe in themselves because of my book that I'm writing, and be able to continue on. i have big dreams. but i kind of thought by now i would be closer to having a family, and i dont even have a boyfriend. i thought id be closer to having an acting career and i don't even have an agent. but all i know is that I'm on the right path. how do i know? because I'm on it. and when you're on the right path, you just have to keep walking. view it as an adventure. if i never do have those 2 things, i trust that thats what was supposed to happen. because i will have what I'm meant to have. i was meant to go on that trip, & meet that man. and I'm meant to be writing this right now. you're meant to be reading it. and as long as were being used, thats all that matters. 
she always felt that her outsides were too dull for her insides.
that  deep within her was something better than what everyone
else could see on the surface. (shot by Rob)

everyday, re-write peoples definition of love. don't just live a beautiful story… involve others in it, making their story more beautiful too. that guy may have no idea what meeting him changed for me. and it's the same for you with others. we dont always see our effect on others lives. but its there.
the other day i was telling my best friend Tom about how i had been feeling pointless. He asked me, "what if tomorrow you met God, and He said to you - Jade, you came into Tom's life at a time that he really needed a friend. had you not been there and been the light he needed, he wouldn't have made it thru that time - how would you feel about life if He said that to you?" He used himself as an example because he knows that i want to live a life as giving and transforming to others as his. he constantly spreads love and frees slaves. whether in life or in spirit. there are times i wouldnt have made it thru with out him as well. knowing that ive been of any ease to him in the midst of this, it means my life mattered.
you dont realize how many people are effected by your light in this dark world.
you being alive changes things.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Sometimes the scariest things just end up being teletubbies.❤

Writers are desperate, if they stop being desperate they stop writing.
i dont know what makes a writer, but i dont think its being happy all the time.
My life is compiled of a bunch of stories that i am trying to turn into a book. my closest friends know me as a story teller, but they know they are all true. i am sometimes hesitant to tell these stories to people until they know me as an honest & transparent person, because i sometimes think that if i shared these absurd stories they may then question everything else that comes out of my mouth. but i enjoy being transparent. i enjoy vulnerability. when you are vulnerable you are able to be rejected. not being vulnerable is being closed up in fear that you may suffer rejection. have you ever been in a relationship with a closed person? it is like trying to love on a purcupine. you can not be intimate with someone who is closed. because "intimacy" is "in-to-me-see". its transparency. vulnerability. i know that when that person opens up to someone it will be beautiful, but oh how the adventure of their life would be so much more beautiful if they would just be open & inviting. my hope for you is that you never allow pain to make you closed. that you will remain soft to all who encounter you and love you. i hope that everyone around me feels that they can be open with out being injured.
Arent we all waiting to be read by someone, praying that
theyll tell us that we make sense to them, for once?
if youve read my blog before you know that i am vulnerable when i write. and if you havent youll see that in this story:

when i was about 13 or 14, i was hitch-hiking from san antonio to dallas (i had run away from home).. one man, about 300 pounds, pulled over to pick me up and he looked safer than the previous offers so i got in the passenger side of the back seat. after driving about 30 min i realized he had started to sweat profusely. this made me feel like he was nervous & going to do something bad... i waited about 10 more minutes until we were in a populated area, and then told him id get out here. he slammed on the breaks and said something that wasnt funny to me until 4-5 years later, "youre not getting out of this car until you buy a teletubby." i thought maybe this was some strand of ecstasy or other drug... and knowing i only had my journal, a can of beans, and $10.. i knew i was in trouble. i told him i had no money and he jumped out of the car and opened my door, grabbed me out of the car and jerked me over to the trunk. i thought, this is it. im being shoved in a trunk. this man is going to kill me. while i still felt safer there then in my previous situation, i felt it was the end of my life. you think you kick and scream in this situation, but i was frozen.

he opened the trunk & stood me up. he pointed in the trunk & it was full of teletubbies, tags still on. he told me to choose. i had $10. he obviously thought they were worth more but took what i had. i walked the rest of the way to austin. i often wish i still had that teletubby, but i realized yesterday morning in conversation with my best friend that i have teletubbies in life all the time. we all do. our heart is hurting. our bank account is empty. we cant seem to connect to anyone. yet another break up, or break down. we feel lost. and then a trunk opens and we realize its not the end, its not so bad...we can stand on our feet and see that its just a teletubby. a story to tell. something to somehow find the humor in. (finding the humor in all things is a developed talent) ive felt despair so many times in life, but "i know bliss because i have a reference point for pain". and i am starting now to see my problems as those innocent little teletubbies with a lesson behind them.
this is so fitting it brings tears that blurs the words
every time i read it.❤

i love this quote to the left. i live with so many questions every day. i dont know very many answers at all in my life, just a few that matter most and keep me in peace. like "oscar wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it - that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. there is a truth to that. we are not nouns. we are verbs. i am not a thing - a writer - i am a person who does things - i write, i act - and i never know what i am going to do next. i think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun. friends i go out with (really i just mean hiking when i say go out, haha) often ask me how i feel when a man makes a comment at me. my best friend has taught me to never judge someone for pushing a button of mine, but to instead reveal the button and ask myself why it was pushed. why its a button. when im walking by and a man says something degrading like "nice tits" i want to kick him. but WHY? why does it offend me? if i know that i am more than what he has called me, why am i so bothered? because i hate perversion? then i need to search my own heart for perversion because that which disturbs us in another is reason to examine ourselves for it. or is it because deep down i worry that that is all that i am?
i know that i am a woman of depth, a woman of creativity and compassion. but the fact that i am questioning what i will do after bellator, and even during our long few months break, is cause to examine this because my job IS based off looks. i dont know what im doing april-september and everytime i almost lock down an opportunity there is a hidden agenda revealed. this comes with the industry but is something ill never accept. id like to work those months in a place where i can focus on my book while still covering my expenses. but this whole situation is a big question mark even weeks away from it. i can not judge a man for his comment, i can only look into that button and see that i am offended because im questioning this area in my life that is tied to it if i look deep enough. but this question of what will i do, where will i go... as the picture on the left says.. i must love these questions. i must let it be an adventure. a trust exercise. at the very least, this mess will just be a teletubby. when someone pushes your button, dont push a button back, or judge them. reveal why the button is there. and grow. when something upsets us, there is a reason. "HEAL THAT IN ME WHICH JUDGES OTHERS" ❤
this is a different time for me.. because im in LA now and not TX, i cant just drop and go to a third world country to be with orphans and hike in jungles... my expenses are much higher. i wrote a list of things that make me happy, and what do ya know... it made me sad. (if you know me you know this isnt odd haha, im a woman full of thoughts and emotions and passions) i miss nature, i miss writers, i miss meeting people who know about the genocide in darfur, i miss those that when they ask me to watch a movie they really mean a documentary. i miss austin. but i dont think its time to leave just yet. a channel must be changed tho. i have this group out in malibu. but im in the concrete jungle of hollywood. a big change is coming, i can feel it in my veins.. full of creating. the thought it isnt coming scares me, but then i remember to breathe, and to embrace whatever the universe has for me.. because wherever i go, there ill be. and there ill love. and there ill embrace. and hopefully, there ill start to blues dance again... because its been a while.
If - Rudyard Kipling
If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
I contacted my birth dad today. i opened communication
with him for the first time in 14 years. this is day 1. the past
may be put in a book, because writing about pain helps others in
their journey, but no one else will pay for this past. after writing this i looked at
his facebook and saw that he is still heavily involved with alcohol,
and although thats something i dont want in my life, grace and mercy is.
there have been times ive wanted to start this before, but my heart was
broken or i was working thru something else, and i was just saying
"as soon as"... but that is something we do too much of in life.
this is day 1. i am vulnerable. i am not afraid of pain.

If my heart was a compass, you'd be north.

as i was about to hit publish, this email came in:
It's as if everyone has a built-in, happiness-now button, Jade, which can instantly change how they feel, no matter what's going on in their lives.

But for many, most of the time, they prefer not to push it.

Go on, push it real good -
    The Universe

Beautiful. I love you, Universe.
haa. ssshhh. push it. pu push it real good.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

♥ you are sunlight wrapped in skin ♥

I want to see the real you.
the dark and light.
the wretchedness and glory.
the depravity and holiness.
the ugly and the beauty.
i can promise i will still find you to be wonderful.
because i can only see you with grace. 

I haven't blogged all year because my blogs are being used as chapters for my book, ("Behold the power of the Lotus flower")... and right now i'm writing about the people i encountered while i was hitch hiking around Texas at 14. Most of these stories I have never told anyone... mostly because they are so absurdly ridiculous that I feel anyone that hears them would probably second guess anything i tell them from that point on... so i keep my stories to my self. i also don't want to hurt anyones feelings. so it's taken me so long to start this book... but my best friend and favorite writer has inspired me to begin it. i want to live a life that is worth being told. 

my memory isnt the best, so i've been looking through my old journals (i have a stack of them, my first one starting when i was 6 and mostly being drawings.....) 
2/1/92 - if i were invisible i would save people
2/19/92 - the most important thing that happened yesterday was i missed my mommy virmosh. (very much) i love my mommy virmosh.
1/21/92 - if i could only see God i would be habe. (happy)
1/15/92 - i think everyone should love God and pray to God every night.
ps check out the shoes i wore while writing these, still my favorite ones  ❤

I'm so blessed that I still have all these to look back at, i learn so much about life each time i read an old entry. what i viewed problems as, joys as... it all just boggles my mind... to step into my mind in the past. we should all journal. it puts things into purrrspective really.

i wrote this little "about me" paragraph about 6 years ago.... and the few poems that follow are from high school...

raw and messy as my mind is...
Name's Jade. :) getting older, but my hearts stayin pretty darn young.
my pictures look a lil crazy, but i got a good heart and a good head on my shoulders. i have splenda wherever i go. i'm super A.D.D. but i try really hard not to interrupt. i'll do my best to answer your questions the first time you ask. i'm not anything like most girls, so don't repeat yourself with me. my birth-dad was an elvis impersonator and a comedian and if he hadn't been addicted to drugs he would have made it. no one loves me as much as my mom does. i love traveling and i live off cereal to make it happen. i'll usually pull you in but if i really like you i may just push you away. despite life i seem to have it together. i'm a personality go-getter and if you make me laugh you may not get rid of me. i enjoy blues dancing, sushi, and that edward scissorhands that i'd marry. i pay all my own bills and im not gonna let anyone help me do it. i'm a lil shy about how geeky my laugh sounds. i get told im weird alot, but it's better than being boring. :) i'll keep you entertained and never run out of stories. i love riding my pink beach cruiser to the sno-cone stand, sometimes more than once a day. i'll like hanging out with your grandparents more than you. i'll travel alone and spend all my money on orphans and it'll be romantic.

you never really had a place for me
except for the fridge by the bed
you thought i was too young to see
the whip cream in my own hand
run, run, leave here you said
let's move again
and have no friends
to get away from him
try and get away from him
and i remember everything
the things lost
you open my head and scream them in
run, run leave here i was taught by you
so i ran, ran i left there
with the whip cream dripping
out of my hand
on the side of the beach
with the fridge by the bed

today's been so long
and i can't wait to go home
and spend the day with you
ya, just sit there with you
my boyfriend doesn't wear a shirt
i never have to worry about him being a flirt
ya my boyfriend doesnt have a 6-pack
and he puts on whatever i want him to
ya my boyfriend doesn't ever bother me
he's everything i want him to be
he gives me what i want to see
'cuz my boyfriends my t.v.
ya my boyfriend doesn't have blonde hair
he never cares what i wear
he cracks me up all the time
i know that he's only mine
my boyfriend's my t.v.
he's always there for me
my boyfriends my t.v.

As u wish
Before i even c the star
Catching your own breathe
Drowning others
Everywhere u go
For i know the real u
Gone so fast
Hoping to last
Imagining tomorrow to b like the past
Jailbird's daughter
Knocking at heaven's door
Living n a homeless world
Memorizing her only true promise
Never taking it out on u
Only u beat her black n blue
Pleasing this world will gain u nothing
Quitting that life for something true
Running from home was all i could do
So don't say you're too good for me
Too many times i've heard before
Ugly, worthless, and just like your father
Veil was torn off, u can't lie to me
Waiting for u
Xscaping the trend
You tried to start
Zeal i tried and opened my heart

i hold your hand
like holding my own
your words are warm as tears
but we no longer speak the same language
your heart is like champagne
cold and crisp
and absolutely without sweetness
like sweet n low
you give sugar that just aint real
like shooting stars
you fall to the ground and disappear

These writings are still a part of me, of who I am. but jeez am i so different... when i wrote these i was still so wounded, with so many walls up and so many reasons to keep people out. i was so fragile. 
i think the difference now is that i feel FREE. 
free to love each and every person.
free to laugh, especially at myself.
free to dance with or with out a partner.
free to climb each and every tree.
free to breathe.
Love; it will not betray you Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free Be more like the man you were made to be And there is a design, an alignment to cry Of my heart to see,The beauty of love as it was made to be
free to be.

what are you free from? what are you free to do? throw all those limitations and worries in the air and be free. be wild. this is your only life. (i refuse to say that 4 letter slogan that supposedly drake came up with when really it was the strokes :p)

whatever you feel is hurting you today, whatever is keeping you from being free.... write it down. i assure you in years when you look back, you will throw your head back and laugh. you will realize how perfect everything really was. 
you will cry and remember the pain your heart was in and what a fragile state you were in... and be ever so thankful for how free you are from it. and you will dance. :) i promise. this too shall pass.
i may not know you... but i love you. i can say that sincerely because i love people. so dang much. sometimes i just want to run around hugging strangers because i feel like my cup is just running over. i have "bad" days. nightmares of my childhood sometimes that sets my day on empty. but.they.pass.
turn it into art. into literature. into music. into a testimony that can help so many others.
i love you i love you i love you 
om shanthi.

you change your purrspective you change your whole world 
I always say that this is what i want to be. she was all that i could ever dream of being. but my best friend says "i have come to the realization that my greatest ambition is to be that which i already am". dwell on this. who are you?

♥ go be. and go in love.