♥ you are sunlight wrapped in skin ♥

I want to see the real you.
the dark and light.
the wretchedness and glory.
the depravity and holiness.
the ugly and the beauty.
i can promise i will still find you to be wonderful.
because i can only see you with grace. ❤

I haven't blogged all year because my blogs are being used as chapters for my book, ("Behold the power of the Lotus flower")... and right now i'm writing about the people i encountered while i was hitch hiking around Texas at 14. Most of these stories I have never told anyone... mostly because they are so absurdly ridiculous that I feel anyone that hears them would probably second guess anything i tell them from that point on... so i keep my stories to my self. i also don't want to hurt anyones feelings. so it's taken me so long to start this book... but my best friend and favorite writer has inspired me to begin it. i want to live a life that is worth being told. 

my memory isnt the best, so i've been looking through my old journals (i have a stack of them, my first one starting when i was 6 and mostly being drawings.....) 

2/1/92 - if i were invisible i would save people
2/19/92 - the most important thing that happened yesterday was i missed my mommy virmosh. (very much) i love my mommy virmosh.
1/21/92 - if i could only see God i would be habe. (happy)
1/15/92 - i think everyone should love God and pray to God every night.
hehe.

ps check out the shoes i wore while writing these, still my favorite ones  ❤

I'm so blessed that I still have all these to look back at, i learn so much about life each time i read an old entry. what i viewed problems as, joys as... it all just boggles my mind... to step into my mind in the past. we should all journal. it puts things into purrrspective really.

i wrote this little "about me" paragraph about 6 years ago.... and the few poems that follow are from high school...

THE WAY I AM

raw and messy as my mind is...

Name's Jade. :) getting older, but my hearts stayin pretty darn young.

my pictures look a lil crazy, but i got a good heart and a good head on my shoulders. i have splenda wherever i go. i'm super A.D.D. but i try really hard not to interrupt. i'll do my best to answer your questions the first time you ask. i'm not anything like most girls, so don't repeat yourself with me. my birth-dad was an elvis impersonator and a comedian and if he hadn't been addicted to drugs he would have made it. no one loves me as much as my mom does. i love traveling and i live off cereal to make it happen. i'll usually pull you in but if i really like you i may just push you away. despite life i seem to have it together. i'm a personality go-getter and if you make me laugh you may not get rid of me. i enjoy blues dancing, sushi, and that edward scissorhands that i'd marry. i pay all my own bills and im not gonna let anyone help me do it. i'm a lil shy about how geeky my laugh sounds. i get told im weird alot, but it's better than being boring. :) i'll keep you entertained and never run out of stories. i love riding my pink beach cruiser to the sno-cone stand, sometimes more than once a day. i'll like hanging out with your grandparents more than you. i'll travel alone and spend all my money on orphans and it'll be romantic.

HOME

you never really had a place for me

except for the fridge by the bed

you thought i was too young to see

the whip cream in my own hand

BEACH

run, run, leave here you said

let's move again

and have no friends

to get away from him

try and get away from him

and i remember everything

the things lost

you open my head and scream them in

run, run leave here i was taught by you

so i ran, ran i left there

with the whip cream dripping

out of my hand

on the side of the beach

with the fridge by the bed

MY BOYFRIEND

today's been so long

and i can't wait to go home

and spend the day with you

ya, just sit there with you

my boyfriend doesn't wear a shirt

i never have to worry about him being a flirt

ya my boyfriend doesnt have a 6-pack

and he puts on whatever i want him to

ya my boyfriend doesn't ever bother me

he's everything i want him to be

he gives me what i want to see

'cuz my boyfriends my t.v.

ya my boyfriend doesn't have blonde hair

he never cares what i wear

he cracks me up all the time

i know that he's only mine

my boyfriend's my t.v.

he's always there for me

my boyfriends my t.v.

NOW I KNOW MY ABC'S

As u wish

Before i even c the star

Catching your own breathe

Drowning others

Everywhere u go

For i know the real u

Gone so fast

Hoping to last

Imagining tomorrow to b like the past

Jailbird's daughter

Knocking at heaven's door

Living n a homeless world

Memorizing her only true promise

Never taking it out on u

Only u beat her black n blue

Pleasing this world will gain u nothing

Quitting that life for something true

Running from home was all i could do

So don't say you're too good for me

Too many times i've heard before

Ugly, worthless, and just like your father

Veil was torn off, u can't lie to me

Waiting for u

Xscaping the trend

You tried to start

Zeal i tried and opened my heart

SIMILES

i hold your hand

like holding my own

your words are warm as tears

but we no longer speak the same language

your heart is like champagne

cold and crisp

and absolutely without sweetness

like sweet n low

you give sugar that just aint real

like shooting stars

you fall to the ground and disappear

These writings are still a part of me, of who I am. but jeez am i so different... when i wrote these i was still so wounded, with so many walls up and so many reasons to keep people out. i was so fragile. 

i think the difference now is that i feel FREE. 

free to love each and every person.

free to laugh, especially at myself.

free to dance with or with out a partner.

free to climb each and every tree.

free to breathe.

Love; it will not betray you Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free Be more like the man you were made to be And there is a design, an alignment to cry Of my heart to see,The beauty of love as it was made to be

free to be.

what are you free from? what are you free to do? throw all those limitations and worries in the air and be free. be wild. this is your only life. (i refuse to say that 4 letter slogan that supposedly drake came up with when really it was the strokes :p)

whatever you feel is hurting you today, whatever is keeping you from being free.... write it down. i assure you in years when you look back, you will throw your head back and laugh. you will realize how perfect everything really was. 

or.

you will cry and remember the pain your heart was in and what a fragile state you were in... and be ever so thankful for how free you are from it. and you will dance. :) i promise. this too shall pass.

i may not know you... but i love you. i can say that sincerely because i love people. so dang much. sometimes i just want to run around hugging strangers because i feel like my cup is just running over. i have "bad" days. nightmares of my childhood sometimes that sets my day on empty. but.they.pass.

turn it into art. into literature. into music. into a testimony that can help so many others.

i love you i love you i love you 

om shanthi.

you change your purrspective you change your whole world 

I always say that this is what i want to be. she was all that i could ever dream of being. but my best friend says "i have come to the realization that my greatest ambition is to be that which i already am". dwell on this. who are you?

♥ go be. and go in love. ♥

Don't grow old together, grow young together ♥

If the sky would fall, would you stand by me
In the worst of it all, would you answer me ♥

I'm writing this in Telluride, CO. sitting next to the fire in my lodge, all by myself, and it's super romantic. ♥
I have "HOME" playing on repeat because its the best song ever written and no one should ever settle for a love less than what it describes ;) at midnight this year im simply kissing dreams, and it'll be just as stellar as if i were kissing a dream boy :) hey, ive got some big handsome muscular dreams haha. and they tend to open doors for me too ;)
The past 4 years my goals are about like this: 
1 - be more fit /check
2 - go backpacking in another country / double check
3 - attend "good" acting classes /semi-check
4 - land a role in a feature film /semi-check
5 - raise over $10k for those in poverty /semi-check, raised about $7k
6 - know God /can that ever really be checked?
7 - go to 50 auditions /check! :)
8 - ride an elephant /check, although this following year it MUST be in S.E. Asia!
9 - be happy. daily reality checks. /quadruple check!!
my last new years eve blog had the same list, if you read that by chance, haha. the only thing i would add is a #10 - find an awesome agent/representation for acting :)
I think I did more this year than any other year. But my feeling about this next year is overwhelmingly hopeful. It's pounding in my heart and pulsing in my veins. can.not.wait.
a never be the same kind of year. ♥

I want to climb you like a mountain, not
to conquer you..  but to share in the view ♥

Are you two from Hollywood?!?

even tonight, i know, will be a never be the same kind of new years eve. one to remember. 
Im in Telluride,CO. A place I may have lived in another life, it seems so much like "home" to me. but home is where ever there is....... you?? 

The only way to be happy, is to love.
Otherwise your life passes you by

There isn't a mc donalds in sight or a phone in a single hand (except mine, haha). there are prayer flags everywhere, yoga mats in hands, and most importantly... smiles in eyes and lights on faces. the gorgeous people are happy here, the sense of community is oustanding... and i'll be back ♥
I'm here with my great friend Tom, we've done some amazing hikes/skiing/you name it. Our conversations are always so intense and mind-bamboozling, its as if i read a book a day, haha! Im very undeserving of the blessing of being here. It's the perfect way to start out my BEST YEAR YET. ♥ I'm even excited for the year after that already. ♥

snow

angel

Jeez, this December went out with a bang.
I started it "home" in LA, then went to Rwanda to feed some villages, then Chicago to shoot with PB and speak to young adults, then to Austin to celebrate my birthday and reunite with some amazing people I didn't even think I would see ever again (one being the first boy i ever made out with, haha) then here to Colorado to be surrounded by beauty.


and in 2011 all together - 
i studied yoga/meditation/thai massage/acrobatics in an ashram in Brazil then ended the trip at Carnaval (so yogi of me, tisk tisk ;) )
I landed a DREAM job in MMA with bellator, such a fan ♥
stayed at the Playboy mansion in the summer, playing with monkeys, having brunch with Hef and falling in love with the kitchen staff
Was published in Playboy, italian maxim, espn mag and fight 
moved to Hollywood Hills 

was on tmz a few times with my favorite Mercedes (the girl, not the car)
interviewed on fox sports which aired 10 times :) 
attended the espys and the MMA awards - 2 favorite memories 
was in ernie halters first music video
played charades with Neil Armstrong (im pretty good at singing myself to the moon ;) )
met over 20 of my favorite actors
and I learned what it was like to fly like tink while simply laying in a bed of conversation ♥


and 2012 is going to go by even faster. the most important thing, is that on new years eve next year - i still have the mentality of looking back at anything in the year, no matter how it turned out, and saying "wow... im blessed! ♥" because that is ALL that matters, keeping that mentality. who the heck knows whats in store, who the heck knows if ill be alive... but im going to make the most of it in the meantime as i throw all worries in the air and run around smiling from ear to ear. (run with me)




i often have bad dreams (while sleeping..my dreams while im awake rock) and i almost rather not even dream at all. in fact, if i can remember, i pray that i dont dream. i dont like waking up with a hurt heart. but im working on understanding this instead. being in Telluride is like a really weird dream. its serendipitous. if Tom hadn't arrived here years ago, we would have never even become friends. and here we are. if i hadnt met a man in ocean beach san diego 2 years ago, i wouldnt have moved to LA, started modeling, even landed my job with bellator, have the friends i have, or even be driving the car im driving. that man i met once in a beach town that lives in a van... literally changed my life forever, and especially changed every detail of this year. and he doesnt even know it. isnt that crazy? one little occurence. and we have them daily with out even knowing it. sometimes we influence people for the positive/negative and it changes everything for them from that point forward. remember tho, it can be positive or negative. so be a light ;)
we stopped at a coffee shop on the way here (Tom is constantly putting caffeine in my hands, even tho he hates the addiction...he still is understanding with me. haha) we met a girl there that had a smile that matched the light she saw in our eyes and as always, me and Tom got into an amazing conversation with her. this happened with Martin Sheen and Shirley Maclaine at a Christmas party we went to. its magic, these conversations that radiate love and compassion. im always taking notes, haha. that girl from the coffee shop later emailed us this :
"It was awesome meeting you today! I had no idea you guys were so well known because of how humble, and giving you were. It makes me so happy to see people who have so much, and share it with others...

Your video was incredible, and it touched my heart. It really made me question why I couldn't do something to help, or why I haven't. I really would like to help, or do something to help others. I find myself being selfish at times, and I think I need to open my mind to this world, even if there are so many horrible things going on. I would love to help with Invisible Children, or just anything that can humble me like you've been humbled.

My dream is to use my talents to help others. I am a singer/songwriter, and I know one day, I can use this to help others. I am liberated when I know my lyrics have been felt by another's soul...much like your movie was felt by mine. 

I just appreciate your beautiful souls! It was such a blessing to meet you two, and it just blows my mind how life places us in so many different learning situations.

We have met for a reason!"

serendipitous. thats the word that would describe 2011 for me. and its exactly how it ended. my sayings this year besides "trust the process" and "its all about purrrspective" were 2 sanskrit sayings - "om ma ni padme hum" and "lokah samastah sukinoh bahvantu"

which in english translates "behold the power of the lotus flower" (for it rises from muddy swamps and blossoms into a beautiful creation) and "ALL beings everywhere should be happy and FREE" :)

if it werent for my career i would have tattooed these things on me, haha. but i draw lotus flowers everywhere and tonight (on the last night of the year!) as we left a restaurant someone handed me a prayer flag... guess what it said? "om ma ni padme hum" you know why? because as my last blog said... i just got out of a muddy swamp... and 2012 is about to blossom into the most beautiful year of my life ♥ im ready for whatever beautiful creation will be blossomed :) bring it on 2012 ♥

                       

This shouts in my heart at the silver of the moon :) :

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life's betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
"Yes."

It doesn't interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

♥
never has something been so in tune with my heart and soul. nice to meet you 2012, its going to be an amazing adventure 

youre too alive to just sit still, open wide your mouth you breathe in, open wide those arms youre given ♥

                                  

                                         Life is the most spectacular show on earth. ♥ What are
                                        you going to do with your one wild and precious life? 

December's such a weirdly beautiful month. 

I'm in my cozy Chicago hotel room. Playboy allows a $200 room service allowance so I just had a nice little dinner in bed. I shot with them again today and then spoke to a group of "troubled teens" about remaining positive in the midst of a negative upbringing, and about self-esteem. I can talk about this :) haha. I love this. I love that I have the power to help people in need, whether it's financially, or like tonight... emotionally. WE all can. YOU can. Then it's a ripple effect. I love this! 

It was weird that these teenagers already knew who i was, and even weirder that they were so much like me at that age. so many girls just need to be told that  THEY CAN. they need to be empowered. so many are being told at home that they'll never amount to anything. i want to make sure they know that they can be whatever they set out to be :) a friend asked the other day, "do you think your 10 year old self would want to be you?" I am certain that mine would, because I am so undeserving of this blessed life that I live. Now, I just need to make sure that I'm who I want to be at 30 ;) although - "I'm finally coming to the realization that my greatest ambition is to be who I already am." 

Natan ♥

Last week I was in Rwanda. Usually in Africa my favorite stories are about the children. But on this trip it was something a man Natan said. In Africa they don't say "Hi", they say "How are you?" In fact, just saying "Hi" is an insult. It means you don't care about whom you are speaking to. Natan responded to "How are you?" by saying "I am sitting by a waterfall, and I am drinking a Cola. LIFE IS GREAT! It couldn't be better!" This humbled me. When people used to ask how I was, I never said anything less than "I'm blessed"... I noticed when he asked how I was though my response was "I'm fine." Just fine?!?! What the heck?!!? This man thinks life couldn't be better because he simply has a Cola to drink and here I am saying "I'm fine." Since then I've answered, "Life is great!" Even if my day is a little dreary, because NO MATTER WHAT.... LIFE IS GREAT!!!! It is all about purrrrspective. To make it a double whammy, on my plane ride home from Rwanda, I met a very inspiring man. (you know I love making less-strangers at airports) We exchanged life stories, the ups the downs, the adventures. Towards the end he said, "Man, do you ever just sit back and think - my life rocks"? I giggled and replied, "You have to". He then said, "No... YOU. do YOU? Because you have amazing stories. Your life really does rock. You're the most unique girl I've ever met." This was a humbling compliment coming from such a cool guy... but it again hit me that although I am a very grateful person, I sometimes forget how amazingly blessed I am. I know that I always say it's all about perspective, but sometimes I forget to sit down at the end of my day and recap the events and actually give thanks for them. He told me to read "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" ... and I think you should too :)

these little boys were not sponsored,
and watched class thru the window.
when we gave out the soccer balls, the
teacher made them go away. they walked
away sadly. (another volunteer and I made
sure they received balls.)

I normally go to Africa all alone, but this time I went with Hello Somebody. It was so different going with a team. Especially because of how refreshing it is to be around like-minded people. The men reminded me what I wanted in a man, what's important. And the amazing couple showed me how a couple can be used so effectively and the beauty of it. I loved watching their love for each other as they showed love for others. This is what I want. They dream big together.

There was another organization I was going to volunteer with that had a meeting on whether or not they think I should be involved with them, based on the fact that I work in MMA and have done glamour modeling. But am I not able to be the Lord's hands and feet too to help children in this world? It makes me sad because this is why so many are turned away from Christ instead of to Him. I wonder if these people would make Christ want to be a Christian? My religion is Love and Compassion, my faith is in Christ, and no matter how much money I make it will go to those in need.. and that will never change ♥

my rooftop view ♥

Last time I blogged I was about to try out L.A. for the summer. Well, I now have a permanent flat in Hollywood. It's adorable and so "me". It looks like a dungeon, haha. It's in the hills and has incredible views on the rooftop. Altho, inside there isn't a single window. This took some adjusting. My apartment in Austin, which I decided to keep and just sublet out while I'm gone... had huge windows on every wall facing the most beautiful outdoors of downtown. The best positive energy. I've really needed that positive energy while in L.A. But I know to find it inside myself, and in others that are pursuing dreams of course. That little dungeon really became a dungeon for about a month tho....

I thought about not writing this blog, because of the image most of my employers want for me to have. As a host/model/etc you are expected to have this image. this image of one that doesnt get her heartbroken, but instead breaks hearts! haha. this person does not exist. everyone gets their hearts broken. everyone.

Life got a little blurry there for a second

That boy I blogged about back in January... yes the one who almost broke me (but of course couldn't, because that is up to ME) came back into my life once again. And once again, it had the same result. I'm going to write the next few sentences with the 100% intention of not pointing fingers or trying to bash, because I do not think he's a horrible person. Here I go: We had an incredible evening in October, he had a great idea to go get pumpkins to carve for the next day. Although he knew what that next day held, and I didn't. The next day he told me he was starting his first day of work, he gave me the most loving goodbye ever, then left. At 5 pm I had dinner ready and the pumpkins set up to carve. 6pm came. He wasn't answering his phone and after getting worried around 6:30 i called the workplace he said he started at, they said they had no clue what I was talking about. I looked on facebook because I am American and facebook tells all, haha. It turned out he had taken a plane back to Texas. I looked down at the dinner, and at the pumpkins he wanted to carve. I knew this had to be a mistake. He loved me, he would never do this to me. I still don't understand it. 

But I do understand this.

i decided to write all my fears on
that little sucker. then smash it :)

One mans "rejection" is God's protection. God has bigger and better things for me and I trust His process on getting to those things. Yes I cried my eyes out. it was the week that stupid Adele song came out and played nonstop. I lost weight because I couldn't eat for 2 weeks. stayed in bed (which seemed bigger than ever) and talked to my mom every day while she listened to my hurt heart and my mind that was trying to find a way to undo the pain. and it took some time to gain this positive perspective, but guess what? I'm okay. I'm more than okay... life is GREAT! And you know what else? Getting dumped, even in such an excruciating painful way... does not mean that I am worthless. Or that I can't trust again. Or that there is something wrong with me. People that I hold up on a pedestal in my mind, that I completely look up to... have all been dumped before. Whether they were cheated on, bailed on, or simply just dumped in a cordial way, it happened. Because it happens to all of us. If you were dumped this week, or even last night.. let yourself go thru the emotions instead of trying to numb them... but KNOW that you are still worth loving, you are still a fox ;) , and you have absolutely amazing things ahead of you. Just because that relationship broke doesn't mean you have to. If he/she was the person for you and really all that amazing, he/she would be with you. Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your tears. Or even worth that text message that you want to send, instead send a better message... none. Break ups can be a crisis, and a persons character can be measured by how they act in a crisis. You can either fall apart, or rise to the challenge and pull yourself out of it. Don't waste some of your life stuck in this grief. You are going to get thru this :) and no matter what caused that break up, you are still a kick-ace person ;)

I am actually really really glad this happened. Even in this painful way. To tell you the truth, if he had tried to leave in another way I would have tried to talk him out of it. And that is silly. He needed to leave that way. I need to not be with him, and that's what it took. And now it's beautiful literature. ♥

i promise, it really is that easy. TAKE IT ♥

I remember a few weeks after it happened I was in the gym, and of all places - our song came on the speakers. I ran to the bathroom and as I shut the stall door I saw a sign on it that looked like a babysitting ad. It said "TAKE WHAT YOU NEED" and instead of phone numbers, two words hung off. Freedom and understanding. All I needed for my situation. I tore those babies off and stuck them on my rear view mirror. Because I chose for it to be behind me. And there's a reason that rear view mirror is bigger than the front dash window ;) there are bigger things ahead of us. :) Put yourself in a position to win. I can encourage you if you're going thru something tough to hold your head high and get some sunshine, because although it sucks to go thru hard times, they are the process. Right now I'm meant to focus on my dreams. I'm meant to be alone. I'm meant to be available for other opportunities and people that come my way. On the first following holiday, I got to spend Thanksgiving volunteering in a wonderful way with a wonderful friend helping the homeless, then having dinner at Courtney Cox's with other actors that I very much look up to. ( as i always say, both worlds were so different yet what each wanted was the same - to be happy :) ) I've made friends with my amazing neighbors. I've made other friends at an awesome bar on Sunset that has s'mores!!! ;) I've made a new best friend that is a breath of fresh air to all that he encounters. Tom Shadyac. You may have heard of him. He directed Liar Liar, Nutty Professor, Ace Ventura etc... and no matter what, you need to write on your to-do list to watch his life story "I AM" because it will change your life. Tom has taught me so much. His goal in life is to reduce suffering. And he does it. he helped reduce some of mine. and I want to be more like him :) I want to look at my day and be joyful about what was sowed, because I will only reap what I sow. He freed these children from Ghana last week.

smiles that shine like justice ♥

Your worst experiences will ultimately lead to some of your best.

YOU ARE HEADED SOMEWHERE FABULOUS AND GREAT POSSIBILITIES ARE AHEAD.

I'm not quite sure where I'm spending new years, but I can go anywhere, and that's an awesome feeling. on my birthday i was a little sad. and being sad is a good thing sometimes because it means something needs to change, even if just your perspective. at my age most are tied down to something. i shouldnt be sad that im not. i can go anywhere, anytime :) im not tied down to a job, person, or thing... im free ♥ and right where i need to be, as who i need to be :)

and it casts out all fears. everything
else is just a trainwreck.

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me