Monday, May 2, 2011

decorate your soul with compassion and shades of baby blue ♥

well you might be a bit confused
and you might be a little bruised
but baby how we spoon like no one else
so i will help you read those books
if you will soothe my worried looks
and we will put the lonesome on the shelf
ooh, lets get rich and buy our parents homes
in the south of france
lets get rich and give everybody sweaters
and teach them how to dance

i havent posted a blog in a while, new york was a tough dream to follow. ive danced since then i suppose (i think?), i just havent published.

I'm home for a week and it feels weird. i love my cute and cozy apartment. but i think when youre home theres supposed to be a feeling of belonging. i dont know if ive felt that in quite some time. when youre in an empty hotel room or on a plane its ok to feel a bit misplaced, maybe thats why i like it. my feelings are ok. i always feel transition. i dont know that i feel as if i belong to something or someone, except Jesus. and maybe a bit of the public. fans are great, but friends would be lovely. i have a lot of good ones. but somehow this feeling of misplaced. my best friend feels the need to invite me on his dates haha. i dont know that i would change any of this tho. i like this life. im a little too a.d.d. for anything else. when you belong to something/someone you can be given away. i tried explaining this to someone the other day and he said, " jade what are you running from?" but im not running from anything. im running to something. adventure. elephant rides. mountain climbs.  and no, i wont grow out of it. so dont try to tie me down, just fly with me  
there is however, a sense of belonging when im singing to Him. or when im with an orphan, playing duck duck goose with this little one or the hokey pokey. but theres always something missing. maybe you? i like to swallow those experiences whole. yum
i cant say that a ton of those moments have happened in the last month, everything has been very work driven. im moving to LA for the summer, to try and focus on my career even more, so prepping for that is taking all my time. and i love it. future tear sheets look like they include: kasanova, fight!, FHM turkey and/or russia, idoll, and i will work harder for more, but auditions for film in LA will be my main focus while there :
ive loved every minute of working for bellator, and i really hope they keep me. ive learned not to worry about it tho, i really feel that my life is blessed and that no matter what, ill be where im meant to be ♥ 
you know i like meeting strangers in airports. i had this conversation with (one less) stranger the other day:

j: take your mask off.
e: k, mask off. im a super hero. i fight crime at night.
j: whats your super hero name?
e: the dinkman. i know the name throws you, but the suit is badass.
j: they call ME rainbow. but some know me by parade. others, smile maker. and i dont even need a cape to fly.
e: you make my ♥ have premature ventricular contractions.

j: why is your ♥ doing that????
e: that means you make my ♥ skip a beat. i want to escape the world.
j: but you can. altho that is no fun. swallow everything whole instead.
e: not sure what you mean by that..but i concur. how old are you?
j: however old i think i am. or you, since youre asking. so how old am i?
e: youre not normal. you know that right?
j: but what's normal?
e: the average of whats out there.
j: no its not, the only normal people are the ones you dont know very well. so you dont hurt my feelings. although, i guess with you, this is when im supposed to seem normal, right? shoot.
e: mid 20's??

j: 65.
and thats why i like strangers. :)
ive also really enjoyed these two quotes for meditation:

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents are promises, And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child, And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans. After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure...that you really are strong, And you really do have worth. ♥ " -- i tend to get my hopes up. reading this quote helps me to stay balanced. altho, again...sometimes for love its ok to lose balance. but only for love ;)

no matter what, im a happy girl....because im
in control of that ;)
and secondly:
"cultivate compassion. see the good in each person ♥ you are not hopeless or burned, you have your beauty and your mind ♥ utilize this day in a positive way. no matter how much violence or pain you have been thru, overcoming conflicts lies in being gentle and compassionate ♥ what/who you fall in love with will shape what you do. and what amazes you. be a smile maker in the world" -- i found this in my journal and im pretty sure i wrote it.... (?)

I am glad that Strip Las Vegas published this :)
i keep trying to color you into my life.
but these pages, they keep turning up white. 
I have started some rough drafts about my stories in Africa, and I have been getting a lot of fan mail about "my work out routine".....and i plan on posting those soon....i feel bad that it takes me so long to reply to things. so far this year has been a dream come true. now that i know how it feels to fly i certainly dont want to walk on the ground. but i must keep my happy thoughts ;) and who knows whats around the corner? living life by ear is exciting. and to go back to my january blogs, i cant be happier that that boy dumped me. he has come back, but im no longer his. what a lesson learned. all you sing for someone on the ground just seems so silly when you meet someone who takes you flying. but i think even still, im flying alone right now. i told you it would stay this way. if we dont fly somewhere, i will still end up where im supposed to be. altho it would be lovely, you and me. buying people sweaters and teaching them how to dance, swinging on some strawberry swings. 
its very easy to confuse physical attraction with a connection. beauty and love boggle my mind. so does fate. it just leaves me bamboozled when i ponder on it. i suppose i will just hang it all on a painting. :)
my babies 
i wanted to write about what a difference it makes in this world when you just make a point to be nice. loving on the ignored. reaching out to others. when your friends are making fun of a girl at a bar, loving on that girl instead. remembering families that are in the icu on holidays, going to see them. la dee da. but i just have so much to say and this blog is already so long, so i will just combine that with my "work out routine" one in the next few days. in the meantime, be nice. :)

i miss my joshua. altho 7 (or so) years away....i cant wait to be a mommy. and by be a mommy i mean adopt a child that just cant wait to be someone's child. ♥

This was the April issue of Strip Las Vegas Magazine. I dont think im in a magazine in May...but I will be in June ;)