Friday, December 31, 2010

I can feel the hopeful adventure running thru my veins ♥

2010. what a rollercoaster of a year.
my goals were alot like everyone elses -
1 - be more fit (duh, im a chicky) /check
2 - go backpacking in another country /check
3 - attend "good" acting classes /fail
4 - land a role in a feature film /fail
5 - raise over $10k for poverty in Africa /fail, raised about $4k
6 - know God /?
7 - go to 50 auditions /epic fail
8 - ride an elephant /fail, attempted while in Africa but he charged at me.
9 - be happy. daily reality checks. /check
OK, so maybe not a ton like everyone elses, but hey #1 is on everyones list each year right?
i failed at a lot of those, but heres what i DID accomplish:
I began the year with children I love in Uganda  ♥ I stumbled around that country last new years eve on a walking stick because my foot had just been run over. (there are hardly roads there) and i spent the whole first month of the year living out my dream in those villages. so much happened here, but i want to save that for my next blog thats always pumping in my heart.
i started shooting in february. finally gave it a chance, said i'd give it a year. i shot with some amazing photographers, some of my favorites. i shot with playboy, fight!, italian maxim, hombre, citypages, and blisss. i interviewed with others and was able to share info about needs in the world that i want exposed. it's almost been a year since ive started, and so far so good. cant please everybody anyhow.
i saw tegan and sara, brand new, thrice, and regina spektor live.
i totaled my honda civic, and finally bought my dream car - 74 vw thing, yellow, with the word Blondie in cursive on the side :) even though its no where to be found, the 6 months i had it were bliss. i love you bumblebee.
i had my heart broken. i broke a heart. such is life.
won my first bikini contest.
drove a red ferrari as fast as i could thru red rocks in vegas in a shiny black bikini. felt like james bond. so it goes on the list ok? and saw beatles love that night :)
i shot a commercial for the trump taj mahal hotel in atlantic city, and one for the hilton in vegas.
i had my apartment broken into by a stalker (while i was home) and had to move from one clubhouse to another. very.scary.
i backpacked europe for the second time.
i saw niagara falls and painted alley walls.
i couch surfed in san diego, la, san francisco, new york, uganda, toronto, miami, vegas, and barcelona.
i spent an amazing weekend on the cliffs of sonoma county, on the most dangerous beach in america, where i watched whales surface for air and bay seals play while i ate a grilled cheese ;)
i was fired from the best job i've ever had, due to shooting glamour/artistic nudes.
i talked to my birth dad for the first time in 13 years. via facebook.
i lost a best friend. became closer with the rest of them.
met a boy that makes me feel forever young and mysteriously safe. too scared to write more, i want this man. but we shouldnt ever get attached to any idea like this...
oh, and i got addicted to dexter.
all in all, 2010 seemed so plain. but now im looking back and am very pleased. im smiling. i lost and gained. i played laughed and cried hard.
but out with the old and in with the new yes?
2011 is going to be so much better.
my goals arent much too different. to be honest i'd probably copy and paste the list from above.
i will ride that elephant, dammit. and i will raise $10k. I am now the ambassador for and i am going to run with it. faster than ever. MY choices can change the WORLD. and so can yours. remember that this year.
im starting the 1st week of the year in cancun and playa del carmen. shooting with strip las vegas the week after, and spending all of feb at yoga school in brasil. ill start teaching that love of mine, God willing, in march. and as for the rest of the year, i have no effing clue. but i like that. i LOVE that. i have no idea where my life is taking me, and i dont care. because i do know who i am becoming, and thats what matters to me. no matter what goes on around me in this next year, this is who im supposed to be, and where im supposed to be. and ill smile, because life is too short not to.
im going to kiss someone at midnight tonight, and im going to swing on a swing set tomorrow. and im going to stay as impulsive as i was this year. with my dancing shoes on ;)
DO NOT settle for a life that is less than what you are capable of living. if you dont love what you do, do something else. live life making a ton of mistakes. or else you'll wish you made more. i have so many favorite mistakes. exist to help others. breathe 5 deep breathes from your belly, and speak a mantra. every morning. be crazy!!!! do not live a life that is less than extraordinary because you are scared. so what if you get hurt. jump. fall. and do it nekkid if you want to. whatever makes you happy sunshine. :)
happy new year.
peace out 2010. you were bad ass, sorry if i seemed to not be paying attention to that.
hello're mine 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

when you realize how perfect everything truly is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky ♥

life hasnt been this tough in a while. (in an american way of seeing things)
i paid for school in brasil for all of march a few months ago (will really pay off), but it is non refundable. and if i dont buy my ticket and get my visa by friday all that goes down the drain. it really is my dream to go. ill be certified to teach yoga when i get back and most of all ill find more balance for myself while doing what i love. ill also get to volunteer while there mentoring street kids, and that is what i feel running thru my veins. 

i dont have $ for rent. my car got towed to a junkyard. i got fired from my job for posing for playboy (blog coming soon) which paid me crap so far but i didnt do it for the $ and i didnt think id be fired. im trying to find more work, but that means finding more rides. my phones been shut off on top of that.
i had a wealthy boyfriend that cheated on me and lied all the time so i walked away. i never needed it while with him, but he would have taken care of me in times like this. but thats no reason to be with someone. i only bring it up because that was another problem today, months after a very drawn out break up he is still asking why we cant be together, and he did his best to make today all the worse. how do you convince someone that you are not right for each other, when they are saying that is all they want with tears running down their face? i hate being the cause for anyones pain. but i need 2 key things in a man. 1- love of charities. if i am going to grow old with someone, i want to grow old together making our lives count, simply by being the change in the world and helping little ones in need. i want to save lives together. build wells. schools. REALLY save lives. 2 - i need him to have faith. i want to be pointed to prayer and scripture when i have a day like today. that is what i care about. heart. 

money is not what i care about. but i would like to have enough to give enough.
now im dating a smiling boy that is a flippin blast, he grew up alot like me and is still, alot like me. we have a very similar story, i connect with him. cut from the same cloth. things i tell him about my childhood dont scare him off. but i worry that my current situation might.
i thought i had developed aderexia from all the crap going on, but ive been bawling my eyes out all day not knowing how to get by with it all, so maybe i didnt. purrrspective is all i need. after all, you change that, and everything changes. you see? :)
i know everything will be ok. just trying to get over this months hump of bills, because the next few months should be fine.

i look at pictures of my africa trips and smile at their simplicity. theyve never had a toy that they didnt make out of a water bottle...theyve never tasted dessert or been outside their country, most of them even their village...but they smile, and i mean...truly smile. when they dance, they really dance. the hokey pokey with them in the morning would make my whole world ok. no matter how broke i ever am, they will always receive 20% of what i receive. that is not even mine. it belongs to them, and it means more to them. sending it to them makes me ok really.
moral of the story (really there is no story i am using this blog to vent and its the suckiest blog ever) that i have air in my lungs and a roof over my head and a boy whose smile makes my pulse race, im 26 and im broke like a joke, but my future is still bright and i still sparkle like a bottle of glitter ;) i have a few tearsheets on the way (more playboy, italian maxim, backpocket magazine, and strip las vegas for now) and somehow someway in 5 weeks i will be dancing in another country laughing at this very day. 
i swear i will feel better tomorrow, and my next blog will be about the last shoots, upcoming shoots, and the very best stories of africa