i'm nekkid in the picture above. does that offend you?
if no, why?
if yes, why?
doing glamour modeling means a lot of things for your life. but does it mean a lot about who you actually are as a person inside? what does it mean that im comfortable (and i am picky with photographers and gigs, i promise) being topless or in lingerie or test shooting for magazines like playboy and american curves? does it mean i am a trashy person? does it mean i cant have a 9-5 job also, and a steady boyfriend? because this confuses me, and means things for my life. but im certain, that im still not going to stop.
example 1 - i got fired from a very good job, because someone told my boss about a shoot i did. this hurt me financially, and emotionally. i loved my job. i was good at it. but i love modeling. why couldnt i do both?
example 2 - do all glamour models struggle with keeping their boyfriends ok with their shoots? theyre always ok with it in the beginning, of course. which makes it almost unfair. but then they start to "love you" and all of a sudden its not ok that youre nekkid for a camera. and just to set the record straight, i do no open leg nudity. no crotch shots whatsoever ok? penthouse offered me 1500/hr for a shoot and guaranteed me penthouse pet, totaling in 40k, and i turned it down. if i was going to do crotch shots dont you think i would have done it then? but i didnt. anywho, boyfriends are off and on with it. but it is always an issue. in fact a recent boyfriend told me the only way i would find a guy who loved me enough to stay with me even though i am a glamour model, was if i found him in a strip club. so does that mean i am comparable to a stripper? this leads me to a few different points:
a - i am not grinding on the photographers lap. they do not touch me. they are respectful professionals. they shoot glamour models all the time, so believe me, they are not getting all disgustingly horny and inappropriate. they are focusing on what makes a good picture. making it art. and the "guys with cameras" that do shoot for the wrong reasons, i avoid.
b - who the hell says you can judge a stripper for what she does? you have no flippin clue where she comes from or why she does what she does. why do i do what i do? because i dont care what you think, or if you dont love me, and because it has gotten me certain other opportunities (my africa trip is being displayed as a slide show at 5 hollywood charity events next month, and they found me because of the pictures i take, and were specifically looking for a model of my type) this has raised more awareness for my causes. this is why i model. truly. it gains more awareness. it enables me to give more. not everyone can use their appearance for this, i have been blessed with the opportunity, and i am not so pre-meditated, so im doing it. also, the stripper is dancing for someone. you dance for someone, you just call it something else. we all do something to get the attention we want, we all do something that is our little secret. who/what do you dance for? what is your fault that you keep under your coat? you are dancing for something, somebody, it is just not as open and upfront as on a pole on a stage. nekkid.
maybe that sounded confusing. except in my head.
c - i will find love. maybe i have already. we never really know. but it will be one that suits me. one that is level with me. one that dances with me on sidewalks and on orphanages to the hokey pokey. one that makes documentaries with me. one that gives $$ with me. one that loves his God with all his heart and soul. one that understands me and my past and what went on in my childhood. and i will not find him at a stripclub. because that is not where i will look. i wont look. that love will find me. and for some odd reason that i dont even understand yet, he will be ok with what i do.
example 3 - you always are undergoing criticism to your appearance. whether its things you can change about yourself or not. and you have to just suck it up. take it. work on it. but you cant let it stop you or lower your self esteem. if you are booking work than you are a marketable item, and you need to just keep going until you no longer have bookings or until you just dont want to anymore. why not? see what happens. but dont let a job, a boyfriend, or some criticism get in the way.
if you read my last blog you saw that ive been struggling with my emotions. well i got off birth control 3 days ago and i am truly and honestly gradually feeling better. haha. i know its not out of my system yet, but even a few days has made a difference. i dont like putting such unnatural things in my body, but i did, and it effected me in a way that proved me right. i am not even sure if i can have kids due to occurrences in my past, and i rather wait until im married anyways to "make love". if i could absolutely have my way, thats what it would be. and i know that sounds ridiculous, but so am i.
my best friend, when he asks what i want in life, listens to the answer (and its a long and detailed one haha) and then says "jade, you can have all that. that life, that career, that guy, that type of adventure in traveling, all of that is out there and you can have it. if anyone can make it happen, its you. you always somehow are so lucky". its very empowering hearing him say this. i do not know why i do not live by it. i get confused and tell myself that what is in front of me is so amazing i better grab onto it so tightly because its the best i can get!! dont get me wrong, i do not want to adopt the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome...but i do always want to be pushing myself, dreaming, striving. not in an exhausting way, but in a life that counts way. i want to change lives. really. like, save them. like make such a difference that if i didnt do it, the world wouldnt be ok. i want to educate children who do not have the means to do so, so that they can change the future of their country. this doesnt just mean building a school, this means making sure the child has shoes so that they can go to school. mosquito nets. all of it. i want to give millions and trillions to children who just need a meal. oh little salli in uganda who has a piece of my heart still in his hand. how i hope he's still living and with some sort of food in his belly. i want to show up to an orphanage or school one day and the kids already know my name, because with out what ive done with my life, that building would be there. the kids wouldnt be there. that kind of difference.
i want to just make dreams come true. play with kids that have been neglected and ignored. and in a way that inspires them to do this for others. i want to save lives by funding water wells. it is ridiculous how many people die every single minute due to poverty and infrastructure.
i.want.to.fix.this. any way i can. small changes, big changes. but why let the days pass and not make them count? why leave the world the way it is? why not let it make me angry that it is this way and get up and make my life matter. leave a legacy. and if glamour modeling has gotten me exposure that has brought some causes even more into the spotlight, and raised more funds as well, then glamour modeling is what i will be doing. nekkid. deal with it.
we should be so focused on helping others that we are too busy to point out faults. to throw stones.
maybe i forgot this a little because of the mix up of hormones in my system the last few months, or because ive been yelled at a lot lately, but ill do whatever it takes to keep focused. i wasnt off track too too long ;)
maybe focusing on these kiddos problems also helps me not to dwell on my own. to forget them.
like the fact that im nekkid and it pisses some people off. p.s., it's really just implied nudity, but you southerners think thats nekkid.
so.....what do you want in life?