Monday, October 4, 2010

If you'll be my oyster i'll be your pearl...

Today I was interviewed for a documentary about internet modeling, and internet celebrities...
the questions got pretty personal
he asked why i seemed sad...that made me kind of sad, i dont want to seem sad.
he asked alot of questions about my shoots, good and bad...
he asked questions that made me question who i am and what i do...he asked about my height
he asked who i was closest to....i didnt have an answer. am i close to anyone? i'd say my best friend scott and my mom maybe....but i also feel unknown. does anyone really know me? my ex did, but i wouldnt be alive if i stayed with him. i run, i know. and this dis-association crap that takes control of me in conflict makes it hard to get too close to anyone, especially a boyfriend.
i guess this is safe?
he asked what its like to feel so beautiful. if i thought as a child that i would grow up to be a beautiful woman? who the hell said i feel beautiful? i dont photograph because i feel beautiful. im really quite confused when i get good bookings. i dont think you have to be pretty to photograph though, i think you just have to have something that is a different. everyone is looking for something. i dont ever look at a picture that i love and think, wow i look awesome. i look at a picture and think, wow thats a really cool shot, the way the hair is falling, the lines and shadows on the body, the expression and mood. thats artistic. especially in polaroids. <3
there are a few girls at home, that do not shoot, and i wonder...what is it like to wake up and look in the mirror and be that damn purdy?

i was pretty upset with my self when i left mc donalds last night....
i ran in to get a quick dinner - a yogurt.
i waited in line 35 minutes, and it was like a festival in there, a bunch of kids on tricycles barefoot, 3 year olds in diapers with pacifiers. single moms splitting one happy meal with their kids.
here i was in line pissed that i was having to wait so dang long for a measly dollar menu yogurt. i rolled my eyes as i pulled out my laptop and answered emails as i stood there. what an American i've become. i remember in Uganda walking over 45 minutes thru a jungle to find some jack fruit or chapati. in 110 degree heat. then getting to a stand, to see a child of the jungle living off those sugar cane plants with out any undies on and barely a shirt. and here i am 7 months later tapping my impatient foot at mc d's with my mac book in hand.

SO i've decided to start this blog because of how many people i meet traveling, stories from photographers and models that boggle my mind. i wont use names, and i hope not to offend anybody. especially the uptight and perfect. that starts tomorrow.

-To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.-


  1. I definitely feel the same way when it comes to feeling "unknown". It's so hard to know excactly who is considered someone you're "close to". I definitely have a few people in my life that I think want what's good for me but then there's the issue of if they really know what's good for me. I don't think there's anyone that knows me better than myself but there are even times where I'm unsure of just how well I know myself.

  2. i feel that no relationship is guaranteed is all, and i confuse myself enough to feel like a stranger sometimes...

  3. Well nothing is guaranteed in life besides death and taxes. But yeah I feel the same way about every relationship between human beings, it's never guaranteed. And yeah I definitely confuse myself pretty often. It's amazing how people often say how it's difficult to "get to know someone else" but I think many of us still have so much to learn about ourselves.

  4. theres a mantra -
    i love you and i will never leave you....

    many self healing clinics have you say it to yourself....supposed to be comforting....but again, it leaves me confused, ha.

  5. haha I'm going to go try it out. How many times are you supposed to say it to yourself? please provide the instructions

  6. 3 times. with 5 very deep breathes from your tummy before and after. ;)