|To read is to cover one's face. And to write is to show it.|
I've now lived in LA for 2 years... and every.single.month. i want to go "home"-back to austin. i can't afford LA and i'm not booking anything thats worth staying here for. But i also dont want to give up too easily. i rather be an "oh well" person than a "what if" type of person. plus, if it were easy, everyone would do it. i knew it wouldnt be easy. i just desperately miss having good hearted girlfriends that will swing dance with me in a dive bar any night of the week after we spent the day reading poetry to each other in a kayak. i miss affordability. i miss eye contact that is 10 out of 10 times followed by a smile.
|hey little girl wont you dance those|
this month i had to sublet out my place and stay on friends couches so that i can afford to stay in LA. usually on a work break i would take off to an orphanage and play the hokey pokey with children that love to dance... giving to each other joy unspeakable. thats not in budget out here and while staying with friends can be exhausting, im doing what i have to do. yesterday i was driving on the 101 thru hollywood, not having the best mindset on it. a blue ford festiva cut me off. i didnt think those cars were around anymore at all, haha. (the car jim carey drives in 'fun with dick and jane' when he goes bankrupt). this moment was really meant to be for me because i had that car once. in high school. i called it the blueberry, haha. and not only that, i lived in it for part of my junior year. i had a dreamcatcher hanging on the inside and painted "lets go for a starry night drive" on the side. it was tiny. 2 guys would pick it up and hide it
|live the questions...|
I do believe in self help and natural healing. But you have to become an expert at recognizing triggers. It's hard when you feel yourself shutting down because all that does is make you more depressed because it reminds you that you're not exactly "ok". But I know that all
sometimes social media can make you feel even more alone. You see every one's 'highlight reel' and compare it to your 'behind the scenes'. We tend to only post the good and the party photos. why would anyone post photos of themselves sad and be a debbie downer? so we forget that others get sad too. but we've all cried ourselves to sleep, we all just want the same thing - to be happy. but all we see are the happy status updates on fb & the bride to be or happy mommy posts. we dont see what's behind closed doors. we dont see that the new mom thats so starry eyed at her child had to apply for food stamps to take on the added expense. we dont see that the lady who posts positive quotes every day does so because she's reminding herself to live as she struggles with depression. we dont see that our happily in love friend still has nightmares about her abusive parents. or that the guy who just got a huge break in his career is also having to break up with his gf of 5 years... maybe a few of these has applied to me, or maybe i know people like this personally... but what its taught me is that no one "has it together" in the way we think they do. we all are really just trying to figure this out. yet we forget and we feel alone.
but im reminding both of us, that we're not.
|which one is worth giving up?|