Saturday, September 8, 2012

♥ you are sunlight wrapped in skin ♥

I want to see the real you.
the dark and light.
the wretchedness and glory.
the depravity and holiness.
the ugly and the beauty.
i can promise i will still find you to be wonderful.
because i can only see you with grace. 

I haven't blogged all year because my blogs are being used as chapters for my book, ("Behold the power of the Lotus flower")... and right now i'm writing about the people i encountered while i was hitch hiking around Texas at 14. Most of these stories I have never told anyone... mostly because they are so absurdly ridiculous that I feel anyone that hears them would probably second guess anything i tell them from that point on... so i keep my stories to my self. i also don't want to hurt anyones feelings. so it's taken me so long to start this book... but my best friend and favorite writer has inspired me to begin it. i want to live a life that is worth being told. 

my memory isnt the best, so i've been looking through my old journals (i have a stack of them, my first one starting when i was 6 and mostly being drawings.....) 
2/1/92 - if i were invisible i would save people
2/19/92 - the most important thing that happened yesterday was i missed my mommy virmosh. (very much) i love my mommy virmosh.
1/21/92 - if i could only see God i would be habe. (happy)
1/15/92 - i think everyone should love God and pray to God every night.
ps check out the shoes i wore while writing these, still my favorite ones  ❤

I'm so blessed that I still have all these to look back at, i learn so much about life each time i read an old entry. what i viewed problems as, joys as... it all just boggles my mind... to step into my mind in the past. we should all journal. it puts things into purrrspective really.

i wrote this little "about me" paragraph about 6 years ago.... and the few poems that follow are from high school...

raw and messy as my mind is...
Name's Jade. :) getting older, but my hearts stayin pretty darn young.
my pictures look a lil crazy, but i got a good heart and a good head on my shoulders. i have splenda wherever i go. i'm super A.D.D. but i try really hard not to interrupt. i'll do my best to answer your questions the first time you ask. i'm not anything like most girls, so don't repeat yourself with me. my birth-dad was an elvis impersonator and a comedian and if he hadn't been addicted to drugs he would have made it. no one loves me as much as my mom does. i love traveling and i live off cereal to make it happen. i'll usually pull you in but if i really like you i may just push you away. despite life i seem to have it together. i'm a personality go-getter and if you make me laugh you may not get rid of me. i enjoy blues dancing, sushi, and that edward scissorhands that i'd marry. i pay all my own bills and im not gonna let anyone help me do it. i'm a lil shy about how geeky my laugh sounds. i get told im weird alot, but it's better than being boring. :) i'll keep you entertained and never run out of stories. i love riding my pink beach cruiser to the sno-cone stand, sometimes more than once a day. i'll like hanging out with your grandparents more than you. i'll travel alone and spend all my money on orphans and it'll be romantic.

you never really had a place for me
except for the fridge by the bed
you thought i was too young to see
the whip cream in my own hand
run, run, leave here you said
let's move again
and have no friends
to get away from him
try and get away from him
and i remember everything
the things lost
you open my head and scream them in
run, run leave here i was taught by you
so i ran, ran i left there
with the whip cream dripping
out of my hand
on the side of the beach
with the fridge by the bed

today's been so long
and i can't wait to go home
and spend the day with you
ya, just sit there with you
my boyfriend doesn't wear a shirt
i never have to worry about him being a flirt
ya my boyfriend doesnt have a 6-pack
and he puts on whatever i want him to
ya my boyfriend doesn't ever bother me
he's everything i want him to be
he gives me what i want to see
'cuz my boyfriends my t.v.
ya my boyfriend doesn't have blonde hair
he never cares what i wear
he cracks me up all the time
i know that he's only mine
my boyfriend's my t.v.
he's always there for me
my boyfriends my t.v.

As u wish
Before i even c the star
Catching your own breathe
Drowning others
Everywhere u go
For i know the real u
Gone so fast
Hoping to last
Imagining tomorrow to b like the past
Jailbird's daughter
Knocking at heaven's door
Living n a homeless world
Memorizing her only true promise
Never taking it out on u
Only u beat her black n blue
Pleasing this world will gain u nothing
Quitting that life for something true
Running from home was all i could do
So don't say you're too good for me
Too many times i've heard before
Ugly, worthless, and just like your father
Veil was torn off, u can't lie to me
Waiting for u
Xscaping the trend
You tried to start
Zeal i tried and opened my heart

i hold your hand
like holding my own
your words are warm as tears
but we no longer speak the same language
your heart is like champagne
cold and crisp
and absolutely without sweetness
like sweet n low
you give sugar that just aint real
like shooting stars
you fall to the ground and disappear

These writings are still a part of me, of who I am. but jeez am i so different... when i wrote these i was still so wounded, with so many walls up and so many reasons to keep people out. i was so fragile. 
i think the difference now is that i feel FREE. 
free to love each and every person.
free to laugh, especially at myself.
free to dance with or with out a partner.
free to climb each and every tree.
free to breathe.
Love; it will not betray you Dismay or enslave you, it will set you free Be more like the man you were made to be And there is a design, an alignment to cry Of my heart to see,The beauty of love as it was made to be
free to be.

what are you free from? what are you free to do? throw all those limitations and worries in the air and be free. be wild. this is your only life. (i refuse to say that 4 letter slogan that supposedly drake came up with when really it was the strokes :p)

whatever you feel is hurting you today, whatever is keeping you from being free.... write it down. i assure you in years when you look back, you will throw your head back and laugh. you will realize how perfect everything really was. 
you will cry and remember the pain your heart was in and what a fragile state you were in... and be ever so thankful for how free you are from it. and you will dance. :) i promise. this too shall pass.
i may not know you... but i love you. i can say that sincerely because i love people. so dang much. sometimes i just want to run around hugging strangers because i feel like my cup is just running over. i have "bad" days. nightmares of my childhood sometimes that sets my day on empty. but.they.pass.
turn it into art. into literature. into music. into a testimony that can help so many others.
i love you i love you i love you 
om shanthi.

you change your purrspective you change your whole world 
I always say that this is what i want to be. she was all that i could ever dream of being. but my best friend says "i have come to the realization that my greatest ambition is to be that which i already am". dwell on this. who are you?

♥ go be. and go in love. 


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