Saturday, January 13, 2018

If a writer falls in love with you, you can never die. ❤

Writers are desperate, if they stop being desperate they
stop writing. I don't know what makes a writer, but
I don't think it's being happy all the time.
**as i went to publish my most recent blog, this was saved to my drafts from july 2013. I'm not sure what else i had to say at the end, but i thought i'd hit publish anyhow...**

I've been struggling with beginning my book (besides on my notes section of my iphone) The goal is to use my time off april-june to go away somewhere & just focus on that. hopefully out of the country. ill work to pay my expenses.. i posted this, & got a few amazing job offers, but I won't take an offer from anyone that's just trying to get me in bed. & unfortunately there are some slime balls out there. i deeply desire to be an actress & i wouldnt even sleep with spielberg for a part if it was offered, so i sure as hell wont sleep with someone for an overseas gig. the most annoying part is wasting time & hopes in the emails. so we'll see if something true comes thru.

this blog is about writing. about why we should write. not everything below is mine...i wish it was. but I just wanted it all in one place for the both of us. i hope it inspires you to pick up a pen. there are certain things that i read that make me smile while still crying tears of passion. for once, i belong. for once, i fit. for once, im understood. thats what these passages do for me. whenever i am feeling like an alien, feeling alone, i read these & know that somewhere, someone understands. 

"Happiness in intelligent people is
the rarest thing I know." - Einstein
to his therapist. 
“You should date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes, who has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read. 
Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag. She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she has found the book she wants. You see that weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a secondhand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow and worn. 
She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book. 
Buy her another cup of coffee. 
It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas, for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry and in song. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does. 
She has to give it a shot somehow. 
Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world. 
Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who read understand that all things must come to end, but that you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two. 
Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilight series. 
If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. 
You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype. 
You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots. 
Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads. 
Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

Date a girl who writes. 
Date a girl who may never wear completely clean clothes, because of coffee stains and ink spills. She’ll have many problems with her closet space, and her laptop is never boring because there are so many words, so many worlds that she’s cluttered amidst the space. Tabs open filled with obscure and popular music. Interesting factoids about Catherine the Great, and the immortality of jellyfish. Kiss her under the lamppost, when it’s raining. Tell her your definition of love.
Find a girl who writes. You’ll know that she has a sense of humor, a sense of empathy and kindness, and that she will dream up worlds, universes for you. She’s the one with the faintest of shadows underneath her eyelids, the one who smells of coffee and jasmine green tea. You see that girl hunched over a notebook. That’s the writer. With her fingers occasionally smudged with ink that will travel onto your hands when you interlock your fingers with her’s. She will never stop, churning out adventures, of  Darkness and light. Fear and love. That’s the writer. She can never resist filling a blank page with words, whatever the color of the page is.
She’s the girl reading while waiting for her coffee and tea. She’s the quiet girl with her music turned up loud (or impossibly quiet), separating the two of you by an ocean of crescendos and decrescendos as she’s thinking of the perfect words. If you take a peek at her cup, the tea or coffee’s already cold. She’s already forgotten it.If she raises her head, offer to buy her another cup of coffee. Or of tea. She’ll repay you with stories. If she closes her laptop, Tell her your characters, your dreams, and ask if she gotten through her first novel.
It is hard to date a girl who writes. But be patient with her. Give her books for her birthday, pretty notebooks for Christmas and for anniversaries, moleskins and bookmarks and many, many books. Give her the gift of words, for writers are talkative people, and they are verbose in their thanks. Let her know that you’re behind her every step of the way, for the lines between fiction and reality are fluid. She’ll give you a chance.
She’ll be disappointed by your lies, but a girl who writes will understand. She’ll understand that sometimes even the greatest heroes fail, and that happy endings take time, both in fiction and reality. A girl who writes will understand your flaws. She will cherish them, because a girl who writes will understand plot. She’ll understand that endings happen for better or for worst.
A girl who writes will not expect perfection from you. Her narratives are rich, her characters are multifaceted because of interesting flaws. She’ll understand that a good book does not have perfect characters; villains and tragic flaws are the salt of books. She’ll understand trouble, because it spices up her story. No author wants an invincible hero; the girl who writes will understand that you are only human.
If you find a girl who writes, keep her close. If you find her at two AM, typing furiously, the neon gaze of the light illuminating her furrowed forehead, place a blanket gently on her so that she does not catch a chill. Make her a pot of tea, and sit with her. You may lose her to her world for a few moments, but she will come back to you, brimming with treasure. You will believe in her every single time, the two of you illuminated only by the computer screen, but invincible in the darkness.
She is your Shahrazad. When you are afraid of the dark, she will guide you, her words turning into lanterns, turning into lights and stars and candles that will guide you through your darkest times. She’ll be the one to save you
You will smile hard as she talks a mile a second, and your heart will skip a beat when she holds your hand and she will write stories of your lives together. She’ll hold you close and whisper secrets into your ears. 
Because that is the best part about a girl who writes. She has imagination and she has courage, and it will be enough. She’ll save you in the oceans of her dreams, and she’ll be your catharsis and your 11:11. 
Maybe she’s not the best at grammar, but that is okay.
Date a girl who writes because you deserve it. She’s witty, she’s empathetic, enigmatic at times and she’s lovely. She’s got the most colorful life. Date a girl who writes because a girl who writes reads."


Our second mind.


It's been about 4.5 years since my last blog, which was about depression. I've thought about starting this page up again multiple times, but I've been so tired. Which has to do with what this blog is about. 
I posted the above photo on instagram, which i didn't think was a huge difference visually, but i posted it because i also felt so much better.. & wanted to share the protocol i used for that month. I received over 150 messages in that next 24 hours. I chose to send the info in direct messages because part of the protocol is really different than most people are used to. 
Before writing everything out, I want to explain that i know a lot of my views are controversial & I'm not here to say my views are the right way. These are just that- my views. They may not be for you. Secondly I want to say that I plan on updating this blog weekly from here out. I do not plan on blogging about things similar to this one, but like before- about things on my heart. my struggles, my lessons, love & relationships, parenting, and whatever you guys want to read about. I plan on my next blog actually being a follow up to my last one about depression. where I'm at on that, & how that year ended up- because i stayed. 
But for now- 

For the last few years (& off & on through out my life) I've had some serious brain fog. I've had multiple night wakings which seem to have gotten worse over time- I felt this was what was causing my exhaustion. I've been moody. But my stomach has been bloated this past year in a way that concerned me. It had happened before, but then I cut out gluten. then another time, & i cut out whey. I thought i had fixed the issue both times.. but this time I knew something deeper was up. Doctors acted like it was a vanity issue & were extremely dismissive of my concerns. Homeopathic doctors felt it was emotional. exercise wasn't helping. I was pretty desperate. During 2 different plant medicine ceremonies (which i plan on blogging about as well), i asked for answers. I was shown my gut, & it was dark. I saw desserts, but I wasn't certain what that meant other than to clean up my diet a bit. i eat super healthy, but was unaware how addicted i was to sugar. i had it multiple times a day, because it is in a ton of "healthy" items that i indulged in. sometimes in these ceremonies we're shown something & are unclear at first on what it means & then all of a sudden weeks later it becomes crystal clear. I'm not sure why this one took me so long, but the message was all of a sudden obvious- my gut health needed some work.
our gut health is known as our 2nd mind. so many of our emotions & moods are due to it. For the month of December I did a few things to focus hard on it. I'm an all in type of person, i either have to do it almost obsessively, or i tend to not be dedicated at all. so i did these with 100%. i truly believe that all 3 of these things need to be done together, but you will find whats best for you. go with your gut. ;)

On Dec 4th, I started a 30 day challenge with arbonne. Jessica Musselman helped me so much on this. She sent me the specific products that were best for me. You can connect with her here: facebook.com/jessicamusselmanarbonne or www.jessicamusselman.arbonne.com or you can email her at jessmuss20@gmail.com
The products I used focused on restoring the gut, detoxing, & weight loss. She really knows her stuff & has had some amazing results herself that initially were what sold me on using the brand instead of others. It was important to me that they were cruelty free & with out questionable ingredients. At this point, I'm even considering becoming a rep but want to make sure its something I'd be good at (like i said, I'm all or nothing.)

The 2nd thing that I did was work on my candida. This is SO important. on the arbonne challenge you can not have sugar. i knew i could do this, but i also knew that on day 31 i would treat myself for completing the challenge.... with a sugar filled dessert. i wanted to kill this habit & craving. i had no idea the difference i would feel after (i feel YOUNGER, haha), & i honestly didn't know if it was possible... until i learned about candida. there is too much to it for me to put in a small section of a blog, so please learn about it. the gist is that candida grows in us with the more sugar that we eat, & also makes us crave sugar- the more candida, the more the sugar cravings. majority of us have candida, but some of us have candida overgrowth. abstaining from sugar, and taking herbs that kill candida are how to get rid of it. i used https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0158VYYE8?ref=yo_pop_ma_swf .. but there are plenty of good products out there. It's important to also do a parasite cleanse with it. candida & parasites thrive in the same environment, so if you have one it's likely that you have the other. A lot of people have parasites & don’t know it. It causes a lot of gut issues, rids us of necessary nutrients (even if we’re taking supplements), & even makes us moody/fatigued- especially around full & new moon. The parasite cleanse i took is no longer in stock on amazon, but there are plenty good ones to choose from. Humaworm is not sold anywhere besides their website, but they have cleanses for both issues. i plan on using them next time i do this. You can also have papaya smoothies daily- i did the seeds (which are what kill any parasites & detox), the fruit itself (amazing for hair & skin), unsweetened almond milk, some cayenne, & a tbs of coconut oil.

The 3rd thing i did is the one where i may lose you. but trust me, the benefits are so worth sharing. also, before i gross you out too much... know that almost every one of my model friends do them as well. it's just not talked about, haha. Gwyneth paltrow just so happened to go public about them recently. COFFEE ENEMAS. they're not as scary or gross as they sound. & that's coming from someone who doesn't even go to the bathroom when her boyfriend of 4 years is home, haha. sure, any enema is uncomfortable the first time... but then you don't even think about it. it is the #1 way to cleanse the liver, organs, and gut. it rids you of parasites/candida (especially if doing the 2nd thing i listed). A lot of us have parasites, & they cause issues that we blame on other things. Either way, it’s just good to get any we may have.. out, right? I did these for the last 2 weeks of the 30 days, after adjusting my diet with arbonne & taking the herbs that kill candida/parasites. coffee enemas have healed so many people with so many different issues. especially after paltrow came out about them tho, there were a lot of negative articles about them.. but we have to understand that big pharma wants us sick. its how they make their money. so do your research, but pay attention to who the info is coming from- & what the motives are. there are countless stories of people with cancer, diabetes, endometriosis, etc, that were able to treat their sickness with coffee enemas. there are a few facebook groups that you can join to get more info as well & to be educated during your journey- "bottoms up", & "coffee enema support group". also, this was the kit i ordered- https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01G7K4DNG?ref=yo_pop_ma_swf

As with any cleanse or detox, you feel like crud at first. it sucks. but then you get over that period & you reap the benefits. i feel younger, more clear headed, less tired, & my stomach looks & feels completely different. I'm still on this journey because i want to get even better of course. 
lastly, these 3 things go hand in hand perfectly because they all have to do with the gut. while ridding yourself of the bad bacterias, you always need to make sure you"re restoring the good- we need those. that's why arbonne was so important as well. there are people who did just arbonne for the 30 days, & have great results also. this is just what i recommend for TOTAL gut health. 

So there you go, that was my protocol for the 30 days.

I know that was a lot of info, & A LOT different than my previous blogs about depression, adventure, & shoots. Next week I'll post about joy being around the corner of depression, & some about plant medicine/shamanic healings. 

in the meantime, want to get a coffee?? ;)