Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Sometimes the scariest things just end up being teletubbies.❤

Writers are desperate, if they stop being desperate they stop writing.
i dont know what makes a writer, but i dont think its being happy all the time.
My life is compiled of a bunch of stories that i am trying to turn into a book. my closest friends know me as a story teller, but they know they are all true. i am sometimes hesitant to tell these stories to people until they know me as an honest & transparent person, because i sometimes think that if i shared these absurd stories they may then question everything else that comes out of my mouth. but i enjoy being transparent. i enjoy vulnerability. when you are vulnerable you are able to be rejected. not being vulnerable is being closed up in fear that you may suffer rejection. have you ever been in a relationship with a closed person? it is like trying to love on a purcupine. you can not be intimate with someone who is closed. because "intimacy" is "in-to-me-see". its transparency. vulnerability. i know that when that person opens up to someone it will be beautiful, but oh how the adventure of their life would be so much more beautiful if they would just be open & inviting. my hope for you is that you never allow pain to make you closed. that you will remain soft to all who encounter you and love you. i hope that everyone around me feels that they can be open with out being injured.
Arent we all waiting to be read by someone, praying that
theyll tell us that we make sense to them, for once?
if youve read my blog before you know that i am vulnerable when i write. and if you havent youll see that in this story:

when i was about 13 or 14, i was hitch-hiking from san antonio to dallas (i had run away from home).. one man, about 300 pounds, pulled over to pick me up and he looked safer than the previous offers so i got in the passenger side of the back seat. after driving about 30 min i realized he had started to sweat profusely. this made me feel like he was nervous & going to do something bad... i waited about 10 more minutes until we were in a populated area, and then told him id get out here. he slammed on the breaks and said something that wasnt funny to me until 4-5 years later, "youre not getting out of this car until you buy a teletubby." i thought maybe this was some strand of ecstasy or other drug... and knowing i only had my journal, a can of beans, and $10.. i knew i was in trouble. i told him i had no money and he jumped out of the car and opened my door, grabbed me out of the car and jerked me over to the trunk. i thought, this is it. im being shoved in a trunk. this man is going to kill me. while i still felt safer there then in my previous situation, i felt it was the end of my life. you think you kick and scream in this situation, but i was frozen.

he opened the trunk & stood me up. he pointed in the trunk & it was full of teletubbies, tags still on. he told me to choose. i had $10. he obviously thought they were worth more but took what i had. i walked the rest of the way to austin. i often wish i still had that teletubby, but i realized yesterday morning in conversation with my best friend that i have teletubbies in life all the time. we all do. our heart is hurting. our bank account is empty. we cant seem to connect to anyone. yet another break up, or break down. we feel lost. and then a trunk opens and we realize its not the end, its not so bad...we can stand on our feet and see that its just a teletubby. a story to tell. something to somehow find the humor in. (finding the humor in all things is a developed talent) ive felt despair so many times in life, but "i know bliss because i have a reference point for pain". and i am starting now to see my problems as those innocent little teletubbies with a lesson behind them.
this is so fitting it brings tears that blurs the words
every time i read it.❤

i love this quote to the left. i live with so many questions every day. i dont know very many answers at all in my life, just a few that matter most and keep me in peace. like "oscar wilde said that if you know what you want to be, then you inevitably become it - that is your punishment, but if you never know, then you can be anything. there is a truth to that. we are not nouns. we are verbs. i am not a thing - a writer - i am a person who does things - i write, i act - and i never know what i am going to do next. i think you can be imprisoned if you think of yourself as a noun. friends i go out with (really i just mean hiking when i say go out, haha) often ask me how i feel when a man makes a comment at me. my best friend has taught me to never judge someone for pushing a button of mine, but to instead reveal the button and ask myself why it was pushed. why its a button. when im walking by and a man says something degrading like "nice tits" i want to kick him. but WHY? why does it offend me? if i know that i am more than what he has called me, why am i so bothered? because i hate perversion? then i need to search my own heart for perversion because that which disturbs us in another is reason to examine ourselves for it. or is it because deep down i worry that that is all that i am?
i know that i am a woman of depth, a woman of creativity and compassion. but the fact that i am questioning what i will do after bellator, and even during our long few months break, is cause to examine this because my job IS based off looks. i dont know what im doing april-september and everytime i almost lock down an opportunity there is a hidden agenda revealed. this comes with the industry but is something ill never accept. id like to work those months in a place where i can focus on my book while still covering my expenses. but this whole situation is a big question mark even weeks away from it. i can not judge a man for his comment, i can only look into that button and see that i am offended because im questioning this area in my life that is tied to it if i look deep enough. but this question of what will i do, where will i go... as the picture on the left says.. i must love these questions. i must let it be an adventure. a trust exercise. at the very least, this mess will just be a teletubby. when someone pushes your button, dont push a button back, or judge them. reveal why the button is there. and grow. when something upsets us, there is a reason. "HEAL THAT IN ME WHICH JUDGES OTHERS" ❤
this is a different time for me.. because im in LA now and not TX, i cant just drop and go to a third world country to be with orphans and hike in jungles... my expenses are much higher. i wrote a list of things that make me happy, and what do ya know... it made me sad. (if you know me you know this isnt odd haha, im a woman full of thoughts and emotions and passions) i miss nature, i miss writers, i miss meeting people who know about the genocide in darfur, i miss those that when they ask me to watch a movie they really mean a documentary. i miss austin. but i dont think its time to leave just yet. a channel must be changed tho. i have this group out in malibu. but im in the concrete jungle of hollywood. a big change is coming, i can feel it in my veins.. full of creating. the thought it isnt coming scares me, but then i remember to breathe, and to embrace whatever the universe has for me.. because wherever i go, there ill be. and there ill love. and there ill embrace. and hopefully, there ill start to blues dance again... because its been a while.
If - Rudyard Kipling
If you can dream---and not make dreams your master;
If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
I contacted my birth dad today. i opened communication
with him for the first time in 14 years. this is day 1. the past
may be put in a book, because writing about pain helps others in
their journey, but no one else will pay for this past. after writing this i looked at
his facebook and saw that he is still heavily involved with alcohol,
and although thats something i dont want in my life, grace and mercy is.
there have been times ive wanted to start this before, but my heart was
broken or i was working thru something else, and i was just saying
"as soon as"... but that is something we do too much of in life.
this is day 1. i am vulnerable. i am not afraid of pain.

If my heart was a compass, you'd be north.

as i was about to hit publish, this email came in:
It's as if everyone has a built-in, happiness-now button, Jade, which can instantly change how they feel, no matter what's going on in their lives.

But for many, most of the time, they prefer not to push it.

Go on, push it real good -
    The Universe

Beautiful. I love you, Universe.
haa. ssshhh. push it. pu push it real good.


  1. I've missed you blog posts. You put a lot of thought into them. Not enough of that these days. Or... maybe I'm not following the right ones. :)

  2. Jade, good stuff right there. Although I've never heard you speak, you probably write exactly how you talk. Your style is upfront and to the point, I like it!! After reading this bad boy I get the impression that you having this burning sensation of wanting, no NEEDING more. But can't find it. Did I hit the nail on the head?