Sunday, July 21, 2013

Excelsior in Summertime Sadness...


To read is to cover one's face. And to write is to show it.
Here's mine.
I've now lived in LA for 2 years... and every.single.month. i want to go "home"-back to austin. i can't afford LA and i'm not booking anything thats worth staying here for. But i also dont want to give up too easily. i rather be an "oh well" person than a "what if" type of person. plus, if it were easy, everyone would do it. i knew it wouldnt be easy. i just desperately miss having good hearted girlfriends that will swing dance with me in a dive bar any night of the week after we spent the day reading poetry to each other in a kayak. i miss affordability. i miss eye contact that is 10 out of 10 times followed by a smile.
i miss everyone riding their bikes to the natural springs or to movie in the park. drenched in sweat from the texas heat but still snuggling up next to each other. i miss the city where young people go to retire. i miss safety. today i walked to a coffee shop and asked "is it safe for me to stick around here a bit and write then walk back home, about half a mile?" and all 3 workers immediately responded with no's. "not unless you have a knife or mase." in austin i used to go far into the east side (before people realized it was a hidden treasure) to blues dance. i drove my vw thing and wore my saddle shoes and it held me  
hey little girl wont you dance those
blues away...
together every week. i was the only white girl most nights, the only lights were from the year round christmas trees, and there was free chili in the crockpot on the bar. people in there could hardly afford the $5 cover ... but ... they were happy. swaying their hips to the harmonica and stomping their feet to the drums. an old man in the corner playing the sax to the blues band. there was no place i rather be. it never got old. but in the bottom of my heart i always wanted to act. years went by living there and it broke my heart to leave a city i knew i could be happy in forever to go pursue something that may never even happen. but i did. 2 years later im writing this. 

this month i had to sublet out my place and stay on friends couches so that i can afford to stay in LA. usually on a work break i would take off to an orphanage and play the hokey pokey with children that love to dance... giving to each other joy unspeakable. thats not in budget out here and while staying with friends can be exhausting, im doing what i have to do. yesterday i was driving on the 101 thru hollywood, not having the best mindset on it. a blue ford festiva cut me off. i didnt think those cars were around anymore at all, haha. (the car jim carey drives in 'fun with dick and jane' when he goes bankrupt). this moment was really meant to be for me because i had that car once. in high school. i called it the blueberry, haha. and not only that, i lived in it for part of my junior year. i had a dreamcatcher hanging on the inside and painted "lets go for a starry night drive" on the side. it was tiny. 2 guys would pick it up and hide it
behind the dumpster to scare me, haha. but i made it my home, what was important was that i was finishing school. after lunch breaks i used to ask to go to the bathroom but go down to the soda machines to see if anyone had forgotten their change so that i could use it to buy a pack of tortillas to eat for that week. they were cheap and filled you up.. but needless to say i cant stand flour tortillas now and i was definitely not in shape. that car lasted me a year. i had bought it for $850 from a stripper, and when it broke down a year later i traded it for a c.d. player. how perfect was it for one to cut me off and remind me of that time in my life. while living in that car, i was headed down a path that is nothing like the one that i am on today. i was rescued. funny i called it the blueberry as well... because those are good for you, and that time was really good for me. it was hard being a highschooler and living in a car, but its made me who i am today. im more understanding because of it. youve got to make your mess ... your message. and now i can look back and say, "phew.. right now isnt THAT bad". and all i can hope is that years from now i will look back at this time and laugh as well.
live the questions...
It's strange how a lot of people see having a cold or the flu as a sickness that's not really your fault. But when you struggle with depression it's not seen as a sickness at all.. it's usually just misunderstood. That's why when i'm struggling theres not a single person in my phone (out of over 2k contacts) that i can call and talk to about it. it's not understood. C.S. Lewis says, "Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say 'my tooth is aching' than to say 'my heart is broken'..."
I do believe in self help and natural healing. But you have to become an expert at recognizing triggers. It's hard when you feel yourself shutting down because all that does is make you more depressed because it reminds you that you're not exactly "ok". But I know that all
seasons pass. You have to stay alive. There are good days and bad days and even if theyre not equal you have to learn to live for the good days. Honestly, the reason I've never committed suicide when i've battled before is because I'm scared that means that I'd go to hell. You can think i'm stupid for thinking that but that's been the case since i was 10, which is when it first started to cross my mind. I know this is a very transparent blog, but i dont want you to feel alone.
sometimes social media can make you feel even more alone. You see every one's 'highlight reel' and compare it to your 'behind the scenes'. We tend to only post the good and the party photos. why would anyone post photos of themselves sad and be a debbie downer? so we forget that others get sad too. but we've all cried ourselves to sleep, we all just want the same thing - to be happy. but all we see are the happy status updates on fb & the bride to be or happy mommy posts. we dont see what's behind closed doors. we dont see that the new mom thats so starry eyed at her child had to apply for food stamps to take on the added expense. we dont see that the lady who posts positive quotes every day does so because she's reminding herself to live as she struggles with depression. we dont see that our happily in love friend still has nightmares about her abusive parents. or that the guy who just got a huge break in his career is also having to break up with his gf of 5 years... maybe a few of these has applied to me, or maybe i know people like this personally... but what its taught me is that no one "has it together" in the way we think they do. we all are really just trying to figure this out. yet we forget and we feel alone.
but im reminding both of us, that we're not.

which one is worth giving up?




8 comments:

  1. Hey sweet Jade. Austin is still here for you, and you know where to find me when you want to put on those saddle shoes and dance. I'm proud to know you and proud of you for your choices. Changing course is a valid way of navigating through life, it doesn't mean you're giving anything up. Looking forward to my next opportunity to hug your neck.

    Mark Hays

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    1. Mark how beautiful that you read this when the first half was so much about you, your lyrics even posted on the photo of me with the saddle shoes. love love love you. you are such a precious memory.

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  2. You know what the CRAZIEST thing is? I feel like we connected for a reason. I'm 20 years old & picked up and moved from New Jersey to California a little over a month ago. So much more detail that i feel like only you would understand. I'm about 1hr 40min from LA, but i go there from time to time. Jade, i feel like you have so many people to tell you this.. but you are a beautiful soul. you are the type of person i need in my life. Whether i personally know you or not. We have basically the same story, perception on life, and my damn front teeth are starting to gap (but honesty, you make me feel better about it) i'm 5'4'' and love my body & always wanted to model but don't even know where to start. I want the world to know what love is. Thats why i smile at EVERYONE i make eye contact with, and give hugs whenever possible. i left my home in NJ, that i had in the palm of my hand, when everything was beyond perfect, to come to California because i am YOUNG and this is the time to explore & adventure & meet people and give hugs and love to as many people as i can. I would love more than anything to meet you, even if its over Froyo or walking up and down hollywood blvd or at a fair or ANYTHING. I want to hear your story & i want you to hear mine. i feel like you will understand and help me wrap my head around life. I can't believe we connected, in like the perfect time! If there is a better way to contact you please email me at

    amanda.doyle917@gmail.com

    i go by mandy hence my instagram @heymanderzz

    you are an amazing spirit, i feel like just by reading your first blog i am so connected with you as if you're like a big sister. You are amazing, and i believe we have so much to share with the world. I'm still trying to figure out my path, maybe you can help me. I consider myself a lost puppy, super cute & tiny & happy & ecstatic about life all the time but i have NO IDEA where i am going lol. Please contact me when you get a moment! Im gonna keep reading the rest of your blog now xo keep shining!

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  3. I don't have a kayak, but here's a poem I wrote; from one writer to another.

    The soliloquies in my heart and in my brain
    are begging to be released
    shouting loud, their words manifested on paper
    relinquishing all that has been trapped,
    like a caged bird or swirling wind in a cave.
    The monologues and conversations
    silently within beg on both knees,
    pleading, praying
    until their internal death and external beginning.
    This is their freedom and my liberation:
    To set free the thoughts contained, in hopes of
    meeting and speaking to another,
    and banishing the winds within their own cave.


    I know what it's like to be depressed too, Jade. You're certainly not alone and this blog post is a nice reminder of that. You recommended a couple of books to me recently which I loved, and it has propelled me on a self-discovering journey. I have found certain truths that I can relate to in your post. Writers tend to be melancholic. We are empathetic people, full of creativity and compassion. But like most gifts in life, it comes at a price. Our ability to see the world from a different perspective forces us to realize the true reality of the world--which is often sad. There truly is two sides to every story. You are a beautiful soul-- know that. But beauty does not mean it is free of suffering. This is what makes it beautiful--the suffering. Suffer away, girl. Feel everything, be vulnerable to your depression right now. The veil will be lifted, you will emerge even more steadfast and strong. Understand that your true nature is to recognize and FEEL every human emotion, every human flaw and perfection, to return to our true spirit in God and trust that even the shitty moments are our guru. Your story is already amazing. These moments are going to make it legendary, perfect. I'm so excited for your future, and you should be proud of who you are now and are becoming!

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  4. I've read the whole entry and this is what crossed my mind and my heart: feelings are not made to be understood, some days you may feel happy and some days are pure sadness, circumstances can influence your mood but in the end it does not come rationally to our heart. You may feel tired and hopeless but to me you made my life much happier, when I see your pics with that beautiful girl looking sexy and bringing positive feelings towards human attraction (in my case being attracted to a really sexy woman, because many that I know here are pretty dull to me), then you are making one side of your job fine. Yeah, you may feel desperated because you would like to be someone like a superbig star in just a couple years, but you have to think about Pamela Anderson, Carmen Electra... all these girls made a long way before they were the superstars that we know today. In fact, you have achieved one of the steps that they did: appearing at Playboy which is an achievement that not so many women can claim to have accomplished.
    You may also have to wonder that we know a lot of people but we don't connect emotionally with anyone the same way as we do with some special people. Friendship, love, empathy are feelings that come naturally and not forced by logical rules. So, one way to fight all the problems on your side is just release your feelings with people that you may think that can give you some love and/or understanding and ease your pain. Maybe there is a girlfriend in your hometown that you can write an e-mail and talk a little bit about your situation, or things like putting your emotions into words like here can help you to assimilate it much better and understanding not the feelings themselves but at least giving you some peace of mind as you can see that other people went through the same shit before they found their way in their life to be happy and enjoying themselves. Try to find the positive things at this moment and don't worry about the bad things because they are something to learn about, not something that is going to stay forever. The sun comes up for everyone ;)
    Izzy

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  5. Jade this is beautiful and sweet and sad. I have struggled with depression myself. It is difficult to make it through each gray mediocre day when your life doesn't seem to be giving you much to hope for. You are an inspiration and a rare spirit. Maybe you are meant to stay in LA and make it as an actress or maybe you are meant to return to Austin and try a different tack. Either way I am sure you will live a beautiful story, just being who you are. I believe in you and many others do too.

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