Friday, October 15, 2010

To Do

pumpkin carving for the first time..... :)
e.t. and edward scissorhands <3
i always wanted a pumpkin carvin' life....
i debated writing this week, since im home and not traveling/shooting...ive also been told by someone close that i really shouldnt be blogging. is it too personal and open? do i even care tho? i dont write for attention or anything alike, but for ease of mind. and i get confused when people write in private journals with out sharing it with anybody....whats the difference of just having it in your head then?? maybe someone can relate and maybe realize theyre not the only weirdo that struggles with silly stuff? maybe someone can be positively effected somehow? sure going out every night is easy and keeps you from digging too deep, but how long does that last?

so heres my to-do list for (every) day

1) get wet today
2) take a hot bath
3) question your assumptions
4) be kind (to yourself too)
5) live for the moment
6) loosen up
7) count your blessings
8) ride your bike to go eat a sno cone
9) laugh hysterically
10) smile
11) fight for someone in need
12) dance on a bridge
13) make a new friend
14) dont complain :)
15) love on the ignored
16) be wild, crazy, and free
17) seek knowledge
18) embrace beauty, magic, and risk
19) get goosebumps
20) tell your story
21) make more stories
22) GO NOW, AND are free to be who you are waiting for..

now if only i could actually be this person. instead of someone who worries over nothing, gets moody, and forgets to think...
im this "good" person when im by myself, but thats too easy. and kind of backwards isnt it? usually people are more careless when by themselves where no one can see, then put on their best face for others? not me for some reason. when im by myself i think positively, am motivated, chipper, and think of new ways to help children in need. but in a way when im by myself i also feel abandoned, and not always safe. but around others i fail, i dont think about what i should be doing or saying, etc etc. i simply fuck up. and excuse my language here lately, i never used to cuss, and i really dont like it when ladies cuss. just not classy. but either ive been watching too much dexter or these recent emotions have gotten the best of me.
worst of all i fail at relationships. i dont trust one bit. we all have our mommy and daddy issues, but i simply just have relationship issues. you're going to hurt me, i know it.
plus im moody as hell with this flippin birth control so you better not piss me off. wtf is wrong with me tho? there is a war going on that forces children to kill, who the hell cares about these measly little problems?? im not a sex slave, im not being beaten anymore, i have a roof over my head and air in my lungs.... but im stuck in this rut in my mind. is it because of the hormones in the birth control, or is it because ive lost something? i dont read my bible or dalai lama books much anymore, and i havent been doing kundalini meditation. but again, this is because ive been spending all my time with someone. if i were alone i'd get this stuff done and be more peaceful? no arguments or failing if theres no one there right? for the most part im a very happy and active person, full of life and passion, silly and entertaining. its just the relationships i mess up in.
bah humbug.
im going to a yoga school in brasil in february for a while, right on the south atlantic coast, next to enchanted mountain, and i am in love with the itinerary. yoga, meditation, wisdom circle, the like....maybe this is what i need?
or just to be alone. but what a waste of life that is. ha. is any of this making sense at all?
either way, i guess i feel better typing it all out.
whats normal anyways tho?
the only normal people are the ones you dont know very well, right?
(oh and i plan to start writing a bit about Africa soon and the children i met there)   ;)

1 comment:

  1. Don't be so hard on yourself on the cussing :) But seriously, you're definitely not alone on any of those issues that you write about yourself. It's the hardest thing to actually be who you think you should be and just go accomplish things on a list you write out for yourself. We as human beings have emotions that tends to sidetrack us such as getting worried about something that really isn't that serious if you had a clear head and looked at it in the large scope of things.

    I hope you continue to blog as I can tell you there's at least one person here that really enjoy everything that you share and often times can relate to a lot of the thoughts and feelings.