when you realize how perfect everything truly is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky ♥
life hasnt been this tough in a while. (in an american way of seeing things)
i paid for school in brasil for all of march a few months ago (will really pay off), but it is non refundable. and if i dont buy my ticket and get my visa by friday all that goes down the drain. it really is my dream to go. ill be certified to teach yoga when i get back and most of all ill find more balance for myself while doing what i love. ill also get to volunteer while there mentoring street kids, and that is what i feel running thru my veins. BUT -
i dont have $ for rent. my car got towed to a junkyard. i got fired from my job for posing for playboy (blog coming soon) which paid me crap so far but i didnt do it for the $ and i didnt think id be fired. im trying to find more work, but that means finding more rides. my phones been shut off on top of that.
i had a wealthy boyfriend that cheated on me and lied all the time so i walked away. i never needed it while with him, but he would have taken care of me in times like this. but thats no reason to be with someone. i only bring it up because that was another problem today, months after a very drawn out break up he is still asking why we cant be together, and he did his best to make today all the worse. how do you convince someone that you are not right for each other, when they are saying that is all they want with tears running down their face? i hate being the cause for anyones pain. but i need 2 key things in a man. 1- love of charities. if i am going to grow old with someone, i want to grow old together making our lives count, simply by being the change in the world and helping little ones in need. i want to save lives together. build wells. schools. REALLY save lives. 2 - i need him to have faith. i want to be pointed to prayer and scripture when i have a day like today. that is what i care about. heart. money is not what i care about. but i would like to have enough to give enough. now im dating a smiling boy that is a flippin blast, he grew up alot like me and is still, alot like me. we have a very similar story, i connect with him. cut from the same cloth. things i tell him about my childhood dont scare him off. but i worry that my current situation might.
i thought i had developed aderexia from all the crap going on, but ive been bawling my eyes out all day not knowing how to get by with it all, so maybe i didnt. purrrspective is all i need. after all, you change that, and everything changes. you see? :)
i know everything will be ok. just trying to get over this months hump of bills, because the next few months should be fine. i look at pictures of my africa trips and smile at their simplicity. theyve never had a toy that they didnt make out of a water bottle...theyve never tasted dessert or been outside their country, most of them even their village...but they smile, and i mean...truly smile. when they dance, they really dance. the hokey pokey with them in the morning would make my whole world ok. no matter how broke i ever am, they will always receive 20% of what i receive. that is not even mine. it belongs to them, and it means more to them. sending it to them makes me ok really. moral of the story (really there is no story i am using this blog to vent and its the suckiest blog ever)...is that i have air in my lungs and a roof over my head and a boy whose smile makes my pulse race, im 26 and im broke like a joke, but my future is still bright and i still sparkle like a bottle of glitter ;) i have a few tearsheets on the way (more playboy, italian maxim, backpocket magazine, and strip las vegas for now) and somehow someway in 5 weeks i will be dancing in another country laughing at this very day. right? i swear i will feel better tomorrow, and my next blog will be about the last shoots, upcoming shoots, and the very best stories of africa ♥