| Life is the most spectacular show on earth. ♥ What are |
you going to do with your one wild and precious life?
December's such a weirdly beautiful month.
I'm in my cozy Chicago hotel room. Playboy allows a $200 room service allowance so I just had a nice little dinner in bed. I shot with them again today and then spoke to a group of "troubled teens" about remaining positive in the midst of a negative upbringing, and about self-esteem. I can talk about this :) haha. I love this. I love that I have the power to help people in need, whether it's financially, or like tonight... emotionally. WE all can. YOU can. Then it's a ripple effect. I love this!
It was weird that these teenagers already knew who i was, and even weirder that they were so much like me at that age. so many girls just need to be told that THEY CAN. they need to be empowered. so many are being told at home that they'll never amount to anything. i want to make sure they know that they can be whatever they set out to be :) a friend asked the other day, "do you think your 10 year old self would want to be you?" I am certain that mine would, because I am so undeserving of this blessed life that I live. Now, I just need to make sure that I'm who I want to be at 30 ;) although - "I'm finally coming to the realization that my greatest ambition is to be who I already am."
|these little boys were not sponsored,|
and watched class thru the window.
when we gave out the soccer balls, the
teacher made them go away. they walked
away sadly. (another volunteer and I made
sure they received balls.)
I normally go to Africa all alone, but this time I went with Hello Somebody. It was so different going with a team. Especially because of how refreshing it is to be around like-minded people. The men reminded me what I wanted in a man, what's important. And the amazing couple showed me how a couple can be used so effectively and the beauty of it. I loved watching their love for each other as they showed love for others. This is what I want. They dream big together.
There was another organization I was going to volunteer with that had a meeting on whether or not they think I should be involved with them, based on the fact that I work in MMA and have done glamour modeling. But am I not able to be the Lord's hands and feet too to help children in this world? It makes me sad because this is why so many are turned away from Christ instead of to Him. I wonder if these people would make Christ want to be a Christian? My religion is Love and Compassion, my faith is in Christ, and no matter how much money I make it will go to those in need.. and that will never change ♥
|my rooftop view ♥|
Last time I blogged I was about to try out L.A. for the summer. Well, I now have a permanent flat in Hollywood. It's adorable and so "me". It looks like a dungeon, haha. It's in the hills and has incredible views on the rooftop. Altho, inside there isn't a single window. This took some adjusting. My apartment in Austin, which I decided to keep and just sublet out while I'm gone... had huge windows on every wall facing the most beautiful outdoors of downtown. The best positive energy. I've really needed that positive energy while in L.A. But I know to find it inside myself, and in others that are pursuing dreams of course. That little dungeon really became a dungeon for about a month tho....
I thought about not writing this blog, because of the image most of my employers want for me to have. As a host/model/etc you are expected to have this image. this image of one that doesnt get her heartbroken, but instead breaks hearts! haha. this person does not exist. everyone gets their hearts broken. everyone.
|Life got a little blurry there for a second|
But I do understand this.
|i decided to write all my fears on|
that little sucker. then smash it :)
One mans "rejection" is God's protection. God has bigger and better things for me and I trust His process on getting to those things. Yes I cried my eyes out. it was the week that stupid Adele song came out and played nonstop. I lost weight because I couldn't eat for 2 weeks. stayed in bed (which seemed bigger than ever) and talked to my mom every day while she listened to my hurt heart and my mind that was trying to find a way to undo the pain. and it took some time to gain this positive perspective, but guess what? I'm okay. I'm more than okay... life is GREAT! And you know what else? Getting dumped, even in such an excruciating painful way... does not mean that I am worthless. Or that I can't trust again. Or that there is something wrong with me. People that I hold up on a pedestal in my mind, that I completely look up to... have all been dumped before. Whether they were cheated on, bailed on, or simply just dumped in a cordial way, it happened. Because it happens to all of us. If you were dumped this week, or even last night.. let yourself go thru the emotions instead of trying to numb them... but KNOW that you are still worth loving, you are still a fox ;) , and you have absolutely amazing things ahead of you. Just because that relationship broke doesn't mean you have to. If he/she was the person for you and really all that amazing, he/she would be with you. Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your tears. Or even worth that text message that you want to send, instead send a better message... none. Break ups can be a crisis, and a persons character can be measured by how they act in a crisis. You can either fall apart, or rise to the challenge and pull yourself out of it. Don't waste some of your life stuck in this grief. You are going to get thru this :) and no matter what caused that break up, you are still a kick-ace person ;)
I am actually really really glad this happened. Even in this painful way. To tell you the truth, if he had tried to leave in another way I would have tried to talk him out of it. And that is silly. He needed to leave that way. I need to not be with him, and that's what it took. And now it's beautiful literature. ♥
|i promise, it really is that easy. TAKE IT ♥|
I remember a few weeks after it happened I was in the gym, and of all places - our song came on the speakers. I ran to the bathroom and as I shut the stall door I saw a sign on it that looked like a babysitting ad. It said "TAKE WHAT YOU NEED" and instead of phone numbers, two words hung off. Freedom and understanding. All I needed for my situation. I tore those babies off and stuck them on my rear view mirror. Because I chose for it to be behind me. And there's a reason that rear view mirror is bigger than the front dash window ;) there are bigger things ahead of us. :) Put yourself in a position to win. I can encourage you if you're going thru something tough to hold your head high and get some sunshine, because although it sucks to go thru hard times, they are the process. Right now I'm meant to focus on my dreams. I'm meant to be alone. I'm meant to be available for other opportunities and people that come my way. On the first following holiday, I got to spend Thanksgiving volunteering in a wonderful way with a wonderful friend helping the homeless, then having dinner at Courtney Cox's with other actors that I very much look up to. ( as i always say, both worlds were so different yet what each wanted was the same - to be happy :) ) I've made friends with my amazing neighbors. I've made other friends at an awesome bar on Sunset that has s'mores!!! ;) I've made a new best friend that is a breath of fresh air to all that he encounters. Tom Shadyac. You may have heard of him. He directed Liar Liar, Nutty Professor, Ace Ventura etc... and no matter what, you need to write on your to-do list to watch his life story "I AM" because it will change your life. Tom has taught me so much. His goal in life is to reduce suffering. And he does it. he helped reduce some of mine. and I want to be more like him :) I want to look at my day and be joyful about what was sowed, because I will only reap what I sow. He freed these children from Ghana last week.
|smiles that shine like justice ♥|
Your worst experiences will ultimately lead to some of your best.
YOU ARE HEADED SOMEWHERE FABULOUS AND GREAT POSSIBILITIES ARE AHEAD.
I'm not quite sure where I'm spending new years, but I can go anywhere, and that's an awesome feeling. on my birthday i was a little sad. and being sad is a good thing sometimes because it means something needs to change, even if just your perspective. at my age most are tied down to something. i shouldnt be sad that im not. i can go anywhere, anytime :) im not tied down to a job, person, or thing... im free ♥ and right where i need to be, as who i need to be :)
|and it casts out all fears. everything|
else is just a trainwreck.