Friday, December 30, 2011

youre too alive to just sit still, open wide your mouth you breathe in, open wide those arms youre given ♥

                                         Life is the most spectacular show on earth. ♥ What are
                                        you going to do with your one wild and precious life? 

December's such a weirdly beautiful month. 
I'm in my cozy Chicago hotel room. Playboy allows a $200 room service allowance so I just had a nice little dinner in bed. I shot with them again today and then spoke to a group of "troubled teens" about remaining positive in the midst of a negative upbringing, and about self-esteem. I can talk about this :) haha. I love this. I love that I have the power to help people in need, whether it's financially, or like tonight... emotionally. WE all can. YOU can. Then it's a ripple effect. I love this! 
It was weird that these teenagers already knew who i was, and even weirder that they were so much like me at that age. so many girls just need to be told that  THEY CAN. they need to be empowered. so many are being told at home that they'll never amount to anything. i want to make sure they know that they can be whatever they set out to be :) a friend asked the other day, "do you think your 10 year old self would want to be you?" I am certain that mine would, because I am so undeserving of this blessed life that I live. Now, I just need to make sure that I'm who I want to be at 30 ;) although - "I'm finally coming to the realization that my greatest ambition is to be who I already am." 

Last week I was in Rwanda. Usually in Africa my favorite stories are about the children. But on this trip it was something a man Natan said. In Africa they don't say "Hi", they say "How are you?" In fact, just saying "Hi" is an insult. It means you don't care about whom you are speaking to. Natan responded to "How are you?" by saying "I am sitting by a waterfall, and I am drinking a Cola. LIFE IS GREAT! It couldn't be better!" This humbled me. When people used to ask how I was, I never said anything less than "I'm blessed"... I noticed when he asked how I was though my response was "I'm fine." Just fine?!?! What the heck?!!? This man thinks life couldn't be better because he simply has a Cola to drink and here I am saying "I'm fine." Since then I've answered, "Life is great!" Even if my day is a little dreary, because NO MATTER WHAT.... LIFE IS GREAT!!!! It is all about purrrrspective. To make it a double whammy, on my plane ride home from Rwanda, I met a very inspiring man. (you know I love making less-strangers at airports) We exchanged life stories, the ups the downs, the adventures. Towards the end he said, "Man, do you ever just sit back and think - my life rocks"? I giggled and replied, "You have to". He then said, "No... YOU. do YOU? Because you have amazing stories. Your life really does rock. You're the most unique girl I've ever met." This was a humbling compliment coming from such a cool guy... but it again hit me that although I am a very grateful person, I sometimes forget how amazingly blessed I am. I know that I always say it's all about perspective, but sometimes I forget to sit down at the end of my day and recap the events and actually give thanks for them. He told me to read "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" ... and I think you should too :)
these little boys were not sponsored,
and watched class thru the window.
when we gave out the soccer balls, the
teacher made them go away. they walked
away sadly. (another volunteer and I made
sure they received balls.)
I normally go to Africa all alone, but this time I went with Hello Somebody. It was so different going with a team. Especially because of how refreshing it is to be around like-minded people. The men reminded me what I wanted in a man, what's important. And the amazing couple showed me how a couple can be used so effectively and the beauty of it. I loved watching their love for each other as they showed love for others. This is what I want. They dream big together.
There was another organization I was going to volunteer with that had a meeting on whether or not they think I should be involved with them, based on the fact that I work in MMA and have done glamour modeling. But am I not able to be the Lord's hands and feet too to help children in this world? It makes me sad because this is why so many are turned away from Christ instead of to Him. I wonder if these people would make Christ want to be a Christian? My religion is Love and Compassion, my faith is in Christ, and no matter how much money I make it will go to those in need.. and that will never change ♥

my rooftop view 
Last time I blogged I was about to try out L.A. for the summer. Well, I now have a permanent flat in Hollywood. It's adorable and so "me". It looks like a dungeon, haha. It's in the hills and has incredible views on the rooftop. Altho, inside there isn't a single window. This took some adjusting. My apartment in Austin, which I decided to keep and just sublet out while I'm gone... had huge windows on every wall facing the most beautiful outdoors of downtown. The best positive energy. I've really needed that positive energy while in L.A. But I know to find it inside myself, and in others that are pursuing dreams of course. That little dungeon really became a dungeon for about a month tho....
I thought about not writing this blog, because of the image most of my employers want for me to have. As a host/model/etc you are expected to have this image. this image of one that doesnt get her heartbroken, but instead breaks hearts! haha. this person does not exist. everyone gets their hearts broken. everyone.

Life got a little blurry there for a second
That boy I blogged about back in January... yes the one who almost broke me (but of course couldn't, because that is up to ME) came back into my life once again. And once again, it had the same result. I'm going to write the next few sentences with the 100% intention of not pointing fingers or trying to bash, because I do not think he's a horrible person. Here I go: We had an incredible evening in October, he had a great idea to go get pumpkins to carve for the next day. Although he knew what that next day held, and I didn't. The next day he told me he was starting his first day of work, he gave me the most loving goodbye ever, then left. At 5 pm I had dinner ready and the pumpkins set up to carve. 6pm came. He wasn't answering his phone and after getting worried around 6:30 i called the workplace he said he started at, they said they had no clue what I was talking about. I looked on facebook because I am American and facebook tells all, haha. It turned out he had taken a plane back to Texas. I looked down at the dinner, and at the pumpkins he wanted to carve. I knew this had to be a mistake. He loved me, he would never do this to me. I still don't understand it. 
But I do understand this.
i decided to write all my fears on
that little sucker. then smash it :)
One mans "rejection" is God's protection. God has bigger and better things for me and I trust His process on getting to those things. Yes I cried my eyes out. it was the week that stupid Adele song came out and played nonstop. I lost weight because I couldn't eat for 2 weeks. stayed in bed (which seemed bigger than ever) and talked to my mom every day while she listened to my hurt heart and my mind that was trying to find a way to undo the pain. and it took some time to gain this positive perspective, but guess what? I'm okay. I'm more than okay... life is GREAT! And you know what else? Getting dumped, even in such an excruciating painful way... does not mean that I am worthless. Or that I can't trust again. Or that there is something wrong with me. People that I hold up on a pedestal in my mind, that I completely look up to... have all been dumped before. Whether they were cheated on, bailed on, or simply just dumped in a cordial way, it happened. Because it happens to all of us. If you were dumped this week, or even last night.. let yourself go thru the emotions instead of trying to numb them... but KNOW that you are still worth loving, you are still a fox ;) , and you have absolutely amazing things ahead of you. Just because that relationship broke doesn't mean you have to. If he/she was the person for you and really all that amazing, he/she would be with you. Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your tears. Or even worth that text message that you want to send, instead send a better message... none. Break ups can be a crisis, and a persons character can be measured by how they act in a crisis. You can either fall apart, or rise to the challenge and pull yourself out of it. Don't waste some of your life stuck in this grief. You are going to get thru this :) and no matter what caused that break up, you are still a kick-ace person ;)
I am actually really really glad this happened. Even in this painful way. To tell you the truth, if he had tried to leave in another way I would have tried to talk him out of it. And that is silly. He needed to leave that way. I need to not be with him, and that's what it took. And now it's beautiful literature. 
i promise, it really is that easy. TAKE IT 
I remember a few weeks after it happened I was in the gym, and of all places - our song came on the speakers. I ran to the bathroom and as I shut the stall door I saw a sign on it that looked like a babysitting ad. It said "TAKE WHAT YOU NEED" and instead of phone numbers, two words hung off. Freedom and understanding. All I needed for my situation. I tore those babies off and stuck them on my rear view mirror. Because I chose for it to be behind me. And there's a reason that rear view mirror is bigger than the front dash window ;) there are bigger things ahead of us. :) Put yourself in a position to win. I can encourage you if you're going thru something tough to hold your head high and get some sunshine, because although it sucks to go thru hard times, they are the process. Right now I'm meant to focus on my dreams. I'm meant to be alone. I'm meant to be available for other opportunities and people that come my way. On the first following holiday, I got to spend Thanksgiving volunteering in a wonderful way with a wonderful friend helping the homeless, then having dinner at Courtney Cox's with other actors that I very much look up to. ( as i always say, both worlds were so different yet what each wanted was the same - to be happy :) ) I've made friends with my amazing neighbors. I've made other friends at an awesome bar on Sunset that has s'mores!!! ;) I've made a new best friend that is a breath of fresh air to all that he encounters. Tom Shadyac. You may have heard of him. He directed Liar Liar, Nutty Professor, Ace Ventura etc... and no matter what, you need to write on your to-do list to watch his life story "I AM" because it will change your life. Tom has taught me so much. His goal in life is to reduce suffering. And he does it. he helped reduce some of mine. and I want to be more like him :) I want to look at my day and be joyful about what was sowed, because I will only reap what I sow. He freed these children from Ghana last week.
smiles that shine like justice 

Your worst experiences will ultimately lead to some of your best.


I'm not quite sure where I'm spending new years, but I can go anywhere, and that's an awesome feeling. on my birthday i was a little sad. and being sad is a good thing sometimes because it means something needs to change, even if just your perspective. at my age most are tied down to something. i shouldnt be sad that im not. i can go anywhere, anytime :) im not tied down to a job, person, or thing... im free ♥ and right where i need to be, as who i need to be :)

and it casts out all fears. everything
else is just a trainwreck.

To the one who's dreams are falling all apart
And all you're left with is a tired and broken heart
I can tell by your eyes you think your on your own
but you're not all alone

You will be safe in His arms
You will be safe in His arms
'Cause the hands that hold the world are holding your heart
This is the promise He made
He will be with You always
When everything is falling apart
You will be safe in His arms

These are the arms that hold the heavens
they are holding you and me

1 comment:

  1. I still remember reading your first entry of this adventure in 2010 when we were email pals. I’m glad you wrote another entry as I told you months ago on our way to the OC fair how much I enjoyed your blog because it’s how I first heard about your amazing stories and found out about how unique you are 
    It’s sad that there are people/organizations that are so judgmental about an individual’s profession and I know you’ve already experienced that before in your life and it’s just a sad reality that we can only hope will change as society progress. The good part is that it doesn’t stop you from helping others as there are plenty of other organizations/people that would love to have an asset like you.
    This past Monday I attended the Mr. Brainwash art exhibit here in LA and it had a lot of inspirational work in there that had me thinking of you because you’re such a positive and optimistic person. I know that everyone is human and you have times when you’re sad but although it may be difficult, like you say, all it really takes is a change even if it’s just your perspective. There have been rough patches for myself this year but now with 2011 ending I’m trying to enjoy the good times I had this year and practicing the glass half full rather than empty way of looking at things which has definitely been influenced from you
    I hope you have a great NYE wherever you are and I’m going to leave you a happy New Year voicemail since you probably won’t answer  If you’re back in LA during January you have to let me take you out for sushi as a belated bday thing and to hear some cool stories from you. Also have some cool posters I wanna give you.