Wednesday, January 12, 2011

maybe you'd be something that i'd be good at...

This is not my boyfriend. this was just a photo shoot, my first co-ed one. but this picture looks so passionate, yes? we LOOK in love. so romantic. i think if i saw it somewhere, it'd make me want to be in love. its weird how pictures can give emotions like that. when in fact, this is just my friend. and we never kissed. we just posed. a lot like love in real life tho right? something looks like love, something looks safe.
then bam. gone.
if you've read my blogs in the past, you saw in the beginning how skeptical i was of love. how i never felt anything really towards it, romantically speaking. but then you got to the last few, where i was so giddy, like a little girl. things were falling apart around me but i was happy, i had puppy love.
then bam. gone.
thats why you dont get attached.
but ive realized a lot thru that.
there is a hole inside me that i am unwanted. i think a lot of us have it, but its been filled with something.
i felt unwanted as a child. mommy struggled with suicide and daddy struggled with drugs. i didnt ever feel like they wanted to be my parents.
i feel unwanted as a model sometimes, because of my morals. which to them are so strict and to others are so lenient.
i feel unwanted by the church for the exact opposite.
i feel unwanted by someone i want so badly.
but i never realized until this week what true friends i have, and how many of them there are. theyve come to my rescue. people i dont even know have sent me such inspirational and loving messages. i probably got over 50 of them. no joke. i never knew how many people i inspired, until i needed them to inspire me.
one message:
You want to know why I think you're dope? Its because you're awake. Its because you're alive, you're sensitive and significant. It's because you're a model, not defined by external beauty, but how you live by example. I was asleep like most people and I woke up. Like many I've let the past dictate my thoughts, my actions, and my future. Ever since I woke up my life has taken a complete turn. My life has never been better. I stopped blaming people for my past hardships. Now I know that I always have a choice, and I can write my story at will. Many people think it would be crazy to hear what I have to say but I already know you wont. I love the fact that I hardly know you, yet I trust you entirely. We don't have to be close. We don't have to hang out, but I'm ok with knowing that you're there, you value life, and we share something significant enough for me to take notice. And I just wanted to say, thank you for being you. You make the world a better place and I always give credit where its due. You are beautiful. (No not like that. I mean) .... you are beautiful. Own it. Love it. Live it.
and one more:
I wanted to tell you that I'm really glad that I've got to know you a little bit without knowing you if that makes any sense lol.  I mean, obviously we've never met so we're strangers but through your few blog entries etc. I really got to feel and understand some of the thoughts that were going through your head.  I remember that day when I was waiting in the barbershop for my haircut and picked up the issue of fight magazine that you were in.  When I read your interview, I had wished I knew of you earlier when my organization at school did a screening of Cargo: Innocence Lost the documentary bringing awareness to sex trafficking because I knew you would've enjoyed it.  I'm really one to believe that every individual has good qualities about them but it's really been rare for me to see someone who has such dedication in helping out kids in Africa and others in similar situations when they could focusing on the more glamorous aspects of the modeling profession so to speak. I've been a pretty negative person for the most part my whole life as I'm a pessimist.  I do feel like my limited net interaction with you though has helped me a little bit to try to be more positive about life.  It's still easier said than done for me to really think about the "roof over my head, breathe in my lungs" all the time but I've really made an effort to have that in my head whenever I encounter obstacles.  I really think you're an amazing person.

they didnt even have to cater to the exact need in my life in their message. but their message reminded me what life is about. reaching out. helping others. loving on the unwanted. the unlovable. you never know when someone is at their last straw, and how your words can pick them up and get them going again. we need to remember this daily. it makes our life count, it speaks. 
we dont need more money, we dont need greater success or fame, we dont need the perfect body or even the perfect mate. right now, at this very moment, we have a mind, which is all the basic equipment we need to achieve complete happiness. negative emotions are not only very harmful to ourselves, but to the whole world as well. there is enough negativity and heartbreak out there. the secret to my own happiness, to feeling wanted, to my own good future, is with in my own hands. i must not miss that. i must not hang my happiness on someone else's hook ever again. 
i thought that he would be something that i would be good at. i thought i was safe. for the first time, i felt safe. and if anything, i experienced safety. even if it was false, i know that its out there now. scary thing is, it will be harder to find now because i am all the more skeptical of romantic love then i was before. i am back listening to tegan and sara, and binding their words on my heart. haha.
but if anyone deserves your love my friend, its you. and the same goes for me. 
good things have happened this week. and that is where my purrrspective needs to be.
i went to cancun for 5 full days without spending one measly dollar. i even got to ride a camel :)
i booked a shoot with american curves magazine.
and it looks like i will be going to haiti with crash.
in my last blog i said 2011 was going to be my bitch. i feel like ive been knocked down, ive lost my balance, since that blog. but i can not sit down and wait for the pain to go away. life is too short. there are too many differences to be made, too many countries to dance in, and too many smiles to spread. the world is my personal sandbox. and i am going to play 

1 comment:

  1. Reading the beginning of this post nearly brought tears to my eyes. I'm sorry you felt unwanted as a child. No child should feel that way. I am glad that you've become such a beautiful and amazing woman. Your true friends will always be there for you. Good luck with the ring girl gig. I'm sure you'll get it.

    Btw, I love Tegan and Sara.