Tuesday, February 8, 2011

♥ I love you and I will never leave you ♥ om shanthi

holy moly.
i can not believe it has only been 2 days. my head and heart feel like they are going to explode and i still have 27 more to go....i didnt know i could experience so much in so little time. and as such a little girl. :) although, i do have the capacity to love the whole world. 
i absolutely love it here on this enchanted magical mountain.

i am w/ 31 of the most sincere and caring people I have ever met. their stories of how they live out their yoga in the world are so sweet. i love dancing w/ them to brazilian music after breakfast as everyone grins from ear to ear. it is pure joy. i love the coffee & the fruits. i love the sounds of the jungle on my afternoon jog. i love my hammock that swings in the shade.....i love this life.
i am one of the youngest students here. my yoga partner today was vatu. he is 42 and from  cape verde islands. he has dreadlocks to his knees and gives very good hugs when i need them. the youngest yogi is 20, and i love her. i cant imagine where i would be if i came here when i was 20...but i know that vatu looks at me that way too. i am so blessed and forever grateful for the life i live. this is my 14th country in the last 2 years. 
i am also one of the very few single ones. not even the guru is single, haha. him and his beloved make such a beautifully exotic couple. speaking to each other in so many different languages. even one of their own im sure. 
everyone skypes to their loved ones after our day of practice. most here are meeting their lovers somewhere amazing after the training. somewhere besides their home, because...like me, they are in love with travel. 
i love that they have someone to share that journey with, and of course in a way during those skype sessions it makes me feel alone, because of course i am not meeting anyone after this. but in a way...this makes me feel independent, and a little excited that maybe one day i will meet my love on an exciting adventure, or after one like them. the sight of each other will cause us to smile the way i see lurey the guru smile at mirjam his swedish beauty.
or maybe i am meant to be alone. and that is ok, because like i said, i am one of the youngest of the group... and i am here. i live a life that i love, and i dont need someone else to do it. if i am complete (am i complete?), do i need others? i wonder how it would feel, what they speak of. but i already know how being left feels, and i dont want it. invincible love is almost impossible. i have seen it, it is attainable. i think. 
but although i cant curl up at night with traveling, shooting, or charities... they are my romance. maybe because of money, traveling will leave me at times. and one day because of my appearance, shooting will leave me. but i dont see what in my life could ever cause me to stop striving to help others. but either way, i feel safe this way. and how can i be lonely when i have compassion? even if i go have an evening all by myself at a gelato bar, i can not be lonely because my compassion ties me to the strangers even. they hurt. they too just want to be happy. i have that human connection with them, so how can i feel alone ever? i am surrounded by human connection. this feeling of loneliness today, it must have just been confusion. do i fear being alone or do i fear being attached? i think being attached, because i dont have to be alone, i could be with somebody if i wanted to... but i run.
liking someone throws off my balance. ive heard from someone wise that sometimes to lose balance for love is part of living a balanced life. so it is ok to lose your balance sometimes. especially when dancing to the blues. or even to brazilian music on enchanted magical mountain with 31 other foreigners. 
"i love you and i will never leave you" is one of my mantras. and it may not make sense to you, especially if you have never felt abandonment... but in my head it makes sense. this is whats behind my smile. this is my best friend that i fall asleep with every night. my own love and my being here in this moment is enough for me. i will always have myself. yet still, as i meditated today after we sang our beautiful mantras together i couldnt help but whisper with tears, "Lord, heal my heart."
om shanthi. shanthi. shanthi. 

tomorrow i will blog on the enlightenment that i am receiving here, i promise that i am receiving it. haha. despite what my blog sounds like, i send love and light to you all.

♥ theres nothing that we cant cure. ill keep you in my arms for sure. love is my religion. all we need is love. ♥
i am compassionate towards others. i am compassionate towards myself.
i am loving towards others. i am loving towards myself.
i am forgiving towards others. i am forgiving towards myself.
i am gentle towards others. i am gentle towards myself.
i am understanding towards others. i am understanding towards myself.
i am caring towards others. i am caring towards myself.
i am thankful towards others. i am thankful towards myself.

(: just go for it :)


  1. Wow. That is an extremely deep and thoughtful post from you. It is one that makes you think. I want you to read something my dear friend. http://jdsfotographie.wordpress.com/2011/02/06/happiness/
    I wrote that two days ago. You will be fine in this world. Your compassion for others will draw them in and allow them to love you in return. And you deserve that. But it should be a true love, from the soul. Not the heart or the head, they will lie to you. Not from looks, those will fade one day. But from your soul, the one that shines through your eyes every time I see a photo of you. You are a beautiful and amazing young woman and you will do great things.

  2. A comment on your photo up there, don't accept love you think you deserve. Wait for the love you know you deserve.

    And as for the last line in your post... :tighthug: We are all put on this planet for something, we merely have to figure it out and then make it happen. It took me many years to find my calling. I tried so hard to please everyone else, do they jobs they wanted of me, the ones they thought I should be doing. I was miserable, and hateful, and did not want to be around anyone. Once I found what I was put here for, I experienced a unique and quiet peace. One I hope to expand and build upon. You'll be fine my friend. You are already there. :D I am still traveling that road and maybe one day I will catch up.