Sunday, February 27, 2011

♥ i've hungered for your touch ♥

Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses....
a few days ago i wrote about loving yourself. about the most important relationship you have being with yourself. after all, no one ever ended up miserable unless they relied on someone else to make them happy right?
here at the ashram i have been trying to find this thru some soul searching. almost everyone i know tells me im one of the most independent girls they've ever met. but one of the reasons i came here, was to find more independence. yes i travel to different countries alone with just a backpack, yes i live alone, yes i go dance on the east side alone every monday im in my hometown, la dee da.... but i am never still. i came here to find that. and i can tell you, i simply hate being still. and i hardly use that word. maybe its been good to show me what emotions i have that need to be dealt with, but transformation is hardly ever fun. i remember the first time an ex saw me cry. he was so taken back and said, "'re so strong". almost as if it were a question. and i know im stronger than i think. hell, thru all that ruckus... im still alive. smiling. but still, when i pray i always say, "Lord, mold me. but please please be gentle. you know im fragile. more than anyone else, you know." but the reason i am strong, is not because what i think most people may think. i think its just because i have such a damn good rebound rate. (again, i am a.d.d to the core) i can pick myself out of the gutter quickly, because im good at distracting myself. im good at finding the humor in almost anything. i turn everything into a story. sometimes even into a comic. haha.
still, it's been hard to feel 100% content and happy at this place, where i came to find what is truly already inside me. yes, im surrounded by beauty. but it is bittersweet. and it's that my heart is not completely here because of things i should have researched deeper about the training.
in the midst of this, there is a woman that i try to sit next to as much as possible. she is just like this little bird that brings me joy because she is so simple minded and sweet. she reminds me of my childhood babysitter that later became my grandmother. today during wisdom circle i looked at her and saw tears dripping to the floor. my heart became putty. "i wish i loved myself", she whispered. whoa. the happiest person here, or at least the most joyful, radiating that to everyone in her presence and bringing them to an ear to ear smile....does not love herself? i literally crave being around this woman sometimes here. our "shared wisdom" for this circle was - who is our leader in life and why? sometimes i dont like wisdom circle. but i like when we sing. who is my leader?? have i even allowed myself to have one?? besides those who are not in my life personally that i lean on for inspiration like the dalai lama and audrey i follow anyone else? maybe i have been avoiding having a crutch in my life. maybe im not good at following. maybe im too opinionated and question too much. this woman's turn came and she said, "my husband who knows me better than i know myself, but still loves me. he knows my inner deepest darkest secrets. and still loves me". after hearing her whisper a few minutes earlier and then hearing her say this, my mind was bamboozled. (yes bamboozled haha) i dont know that i can say this for anyone except my mom, and one of my ex boyfriends. maybe my best friend scott too. they know me in and out. my deepest darkest craziest side. they know all my secrets. they've seen me at my worst. and they love me. some dont have even one of those. i am grateful to have them, each such a different kind of love. tho i dont see them much. i feel their love, even in this country.
my turn came and all i could say was, "my mom because after all she has been thru, she still dances." and its true. and if my mom can do it, so can i. there are times i didnt know if i would make it, because of her, yes. but there are way more than triple those times that i definitely wouldnt have made it with out her.
oh little birdy woman, love yourself.
yesterday i bought a little bag with an elephant on it, because im a sucker for those guys. the guy who rang me up said..."you're american?" i didnt know if i should smile or not at this question, because it seemed more like a statement and ive noticed that as soon as i walk into a bar or a beach i hear the word american and i dont understand how this is so noticeable. and if its good or bad. anywho, i said "yes, how did you know?" he laughed which again left me to confusion and then he invited me to go to the beach for "group hugs". ohhhhhh how i wanted to miss the bus to the ashram and run with him to the beach for these group hugs that would probably be a revelation to me haha. he explained that a bunch of people gather in a spot and just all hug for a long time every saturday at 6pm. yumm.
and this brings me to the topic of this blog. physical touch. yesterday i gave a thai massage, and it was honestly my first human contact physically this whole month. and even before i came here, that was so seldom to none in my life. this made giving a massage so weird to me. to be honest, acro-yoga/yoga with a partner and thai massage have been the two things ive enjoyed here. (besides singing duh) i really have fallen in love with thai massage. and i think i will go to south east asia in this format: cambodia to volunteer with refugees, thailand to ride an elephant, sleep in a bungalow on the beach, and get certified in thai massage, then vietnam. i cant decide if i want to keep traveling alone like this, or find someone who wants to do these things or other things in the same part. sometimes i think it would be more fun, especially when i see this in action as i people watch in these places.
or perhaps i should hold out for this travel partner. this goofy boy in his
oversized plaid and his corduroy heart. inspiration on his breath. then
we shall take his guitar and my harmonica and get by just fine on minimum
wage as we swing life away. standing up to Hitler with our hands behind
our backs for the sake of those in need. haha. too much? nope.    
but yes, thailand for massage school in the midst of all that. thai massage is a lot like making love. ha. hear me out ok? when this woman was laying in front of me, i put my hands to my heart and asked that love would flow from me to her, that she would feel warmth and healing, to her heart also. i saw this woman and with out knowing her name, i thought of all the things she has been thru in life that i dont even know about. what brought her here. she had sores all over her feet from our practices and bites all over her legs. she looked tired. maybe in her late 40's. i wondered if she had a family. i wanted to take away any pain she had, physically and emotionally. i wanted her to be happy. when you make love to someone, someone you truly love, you're giving everything to their body that you can, to please them. youre not being selfish, you just want them to feel good. with thai massage i felt this way, in a pure form. is this weird? ah. i am weird. deal with it. and then it was her turn to give me the massage. and i truly felt love thru her hands. maybe its because ive lacked that physical touch from someone for so long. but to me it was loving. it was almost spiritual. maybe its because we had all just meditated for a few hours, haha. but i felt loved. and after, because we are all in mauna (silence) the only thank you i could give her was a small namaste bow with my hands in prayer position at my heart. ah, and then i went ahead and hugged her. she squeezed so tight it was as if we did know each other. a good 3 minute hug i'd say. again, the longest hug ive had in a while. and it felt good, even from a stranger. just boggles my mind, this effect of human touch.
don't cry until my shoulder is available
when people here ask what i do i start saying, "ohhh...i do this and a little of this and sometimes i model and sometimes i do this too and now i think i'll teach some yoga and maybe even start doing thai massage and oh i'd really like to work with kids in need, maybe foster children. sometimes i do this already..." then i see their face and stop talking. my bunk mate responded, "wow. that's not very yogi of you." and i wondered if she meant the modeling, the bud light promoting, or the ring girl gig. "being a jack of many trades but a master of none." all i could think was wtf? i am a master at my trades. i love them all. so what if i want to be a rainbow and be a little bit of everything. one thing is boring. i want to experience tons of different things, professions, places. i dont want to sit still. maybe thats why i dont feel like i belong here (like many places anyhow), but im making the most of it. like the augusteum in rome. becoming tons of different things thru out time but always remaining in tact of who it is. (if you've read eat pray love you get it. if not, silly you.. go grab a copy. but dont watch the movie or else you wont.)
i do however enjoy how in class when the teacher says, "ok students stand up and stretch for 2 minutes to wake yourself up a bit"... no one stands up and stretches their arms or bends forward like i remember in high school. but everyone stands on their heads or balances on their shoulders with their feet in lotus position. makes me want to go see the cirque de soleil. and there my mind goes a wanderin'......
any who, be a rainbow. dont sit still if you dont want to. if youre thinking about cats and gelato and what to paint next and writing a song in your head while youre supposed to be thinking solely about breath..... well then youre a lot like me and i dont know what to tell you. except that most of the world doesnt know what to do with us, so we better just keep being vagabonds. because there is no point in living life small. dont settle for a life less than what you are capable of living. become more colorful. mix up those paints and use yo fingersss.
and dangit miss that bus and go to the freaking group hug!
don't you dare. dont you do it...
p.s. going back to the topic of glasses...i cant stop thinking about these exact
ones, but im not one to buy something for over $20 really (because i rather travel)
but i can not find these as knock offs!!! argh.

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