I'm very blessed to be at the ashram. i am grateful, i promise. some people have never even left the city they live in. but this place is very much messing with my head. guru lurey said im not embodied. i dont understand this. i feel that im always in the moment. constantly feeling. constantly soaking in an experience. but embodied? a co-worker said this once too, although she was just trying to hurt my feelings and get me fired, it still sunk deep. and now here at an ashram too. is there something wrong with me? or am i just like every other american, a.d.d. and going 100 miles an hour? sometimes while everyone is in their pose im in mine as well, but so gazed at a tree, wanting to climb it, read a book in it, have a harmonica playing la dee da and then i realize everyone has moved to the next pose and here i am in the last one with the sound of the harmonica in my head and my insides happy.
maybe im just not a yogi like everyone else here. there is a man that has been in mauna (silence) for 50 years. to me i would feel im wasting life, but to him his life is so fulfilled. and thats fine. neither of us are wrong. but it boggles my mind. a few fast 3 days a week to perfect their practice of meditation....
standing in front of 30 people and each breath they take depending on when i tell them to take it, each move under my control, just gives me anxiety. maybe i am meant to teach yoga by my lifestyle (the yamas and niyamas of peaceful living) instead of with my body. but the reply of this, "so if it is to just use your body you can be in front of the whole world, but if it is to use skill, you can not do this?" i know i am not just a body tho. right? im embodied? is this how my friends feel towards me? and the children i try to help? the guru had me write down every thought that came to my mind for 20 minutes. ha. so many pages, so much un-organization.
and here it goes:
(ha, if this isn't transparency in front of others i don't know what is)
i don't know if i can write fast enough. i wish my hair wasn't so difficult. i wonder what scott's doing and if he misses our play dates. he's such a good friend. i hope he knows how much i love him. it'll make me cry if i think about it too long...i have such good friends. i really treasure john, sylvia, shaun and george particularly right now. i cant imagine not being able to hang out with them. i wonder how my mom is. i hope she is dancing and smiling and so happy inside. i wonder if me and him will be together. i wonder if we will be stronger or weaker. i dont want to go to hell. i love Jesus, but is my life right for him? i long for him, but does my life keep me from him? ♫ hey hey ma, duaga. jaya jayagamba. ♫ i wonder if the ones i sent that song to liked it. i didnt get replies. ♫ dont forget to breathe. keep your head above water and dont.forget.to.breathe. ♫ i wonder if he has started to become more like his co-workers. he has a good heart. i hope that hasnt changed. he's so tender but acts so tough. his smile. ♫ dont forget to breathe. dont forget to breathe. ♫ i miss dancing with sylvia. i dont want to get old. i love that i am dancing after breakfast here, it'll be such a sweet memory. i feel so young. am i young or old? i wish he would just forgive me, he's so weird. i love peter pan boots. i wonder what else amazing will happen this year. jeez, 14 shoots in NY the week i get back. im excited for quite a few. i want tearsheets. i miss my babies in uganda. i hope they are smiling. healthy. dont cry. oh their little hands. my heart. where else can i go? i wonder if ill have a little daughter. karunya danger bryce. hmmm. i miss dexter. i used to watch that with him. why am i so a.d.d.? does lurey like me or not? nah. i feeellll fat. teapot danger cook. i dont like standing on my head. i cant be breaking my neck right now. ugh. why cant we just sing more? south east asia or bali and australia? or korea with trevor? or mayorka with julie? nah not that one. march will be a good month, yep. dreamcatchers. i miss my bed. so empty tho. his smile. sex. hats. blonde. scrabble. money. playboy newsletter. where should i go next? i want to go to movie in the park. how will tc's make me feel now? why am i gaining weight? am i pretty? i feel like i look like uncle fester sometimes. that surfer guy was hot. how long was he going to sit and stare at me for? i was trying to eat my breakfast. was i supposed to say hi? i would have but he still controls my actions. i wish he would stop that. just go away. ugh. yoga teachers are so in touch with whats going on, thats probably why he was staring, something to do with that. whatever im too hyper for that anyway. i need to do something about this weight. but how can i when im stuck in this ashram with all these starches?!? i need to kick ass at bellator. and my march shoots. its so hard to connect with some people. how many dates did i go on last month and not feel connected? have i gotten too tan? i wonder if me and jerry will shoot again. and if i will eat that poptart in NY. how is purrr? i want to color something cool. is something wrong with me or do all think like this? where do i belong? wherever i am! home is wherever i am :) i love austin. im tired of these games. ♫ and here time is slippin, slippin, slipping, into the futurrrre. feed the babies that dont have enough to eat. yeah yeah yeah. ♫ sushi. dance. cheaters, theyre all cheaters. how romanticccc. the town. i hope NY is not cold. breathe. dont think. my effing knee hurts. this isnt what i thought it would be. well kinda. i already said im sorry like 100 times, its like he wants me to die or something before he'll let it go. im exhausteddd. no more writing! she is very pretty. i bet if she knew how much, she wouldnt be worried about her boyfriend being around other girls. i will tell her. i wont forget. oh so tired. 8 more school days. thats all. but they feel like yearsss.
now do you understand? what a mess.
i dont want to leave south america. but i dont want to be at the ashram anymore. every afternoon i think about sneaking out with my bag and going to Lima or Buenos Aires until I have to fly home from Rio. whyyyy am i so a.d.d.? i dont want to begin to hate yoga. why do i sleep in shavasana but not in bed? im dreaming too much to rest he says. little la la land girl.
dont get me wrong, there has been magical moments here....
-staring at the full moon from enchanted mountain ♥ there are like 20 bats flying around me. mist/fog rising up from the rainforest. and i can hear monkeys, but not see them. so cinematic.
-besides being covered in someone else's sweat, couples yoga is badass. balancing your whole body on someone else takes a lot of trust, & its amazing when they say "you are safe". ♥
-I met Figgy. his poses are beautifully perfect. he surfs on our breaks. he is also blind. he plays piano, does jiu jitsu, and rock climbs. "I use this vision for how good is life and to become a better person. my life is very beautiful. my daughters friends make fun of her when i drop her off at school you can imagine what this does to my heart. but i am teaching her that life is beautiful. see the beauty in life, because it is not permanent." he is beautiful, inspiring, and quite the bad ass. and he somehow smiles back at you as soon as you smile at him. :) ♥ never feel limited ♥
but i am ready to go home where i can be hyper. where others think this way. right???