I can feel the hopeful adventure running thru my veins ♥

2010. what a rollercoaster of a year.
my goals were alot like everyone elses -
1 - be more fit (duh, im a chicky) /check
2 - go backpacking in another country /check
3 - attend "good" acting classes /fail
4 - land a role in a feature film /fail
5 - raise over $10k for poverty in Africa /fail, raised about $4k
6 - know God /?
7 - go to 50 auditions /epic fail
8 - ride an elephant /fail, attempted while in Africa but he charged at me.
9 - be happy. daily reality checks. /check
OK, so maybe not a ton like everyone elses, but hey #1 is on everyones list each year right?
i failed at a lot of those, but heres what i DID accomplish:
I began the year with children I love in Uganda  ♥ I stumbled around that country last new years eve on a walking stick because my foot had just been run over. (there are hardly roads there) and i spent the whole first month of the year living out my dream in those villages. so much happened here, but i want to save that for my next blog thats always pumping in my heart.
i started shooting in february. finally gave it a chance, said i'd give it a year. i shot with some amazing photographers, some of my favorites. i shot with playboy, fight!, italian maxim, hombre, citypages, and blisss. i interviewed with others and was able to share info about needs in the world that i want exposed. it's almost been a year since ive started, and so far so good. cant please everybody anyhow.
i saw tegan and sara, brand new, thrice, and regina spektor live.
i totaled my honda civic, and finally bought my dream car - 74 vw thing, yellow, with the word Blondie in cursive on the side :) even though its no where to be found, the 6 months i had it were bliss. i love you bumblebee.
i had my heart broken. i broke a heart. such is life.
won my first bikini contest.
drove a red ferrari as fast as i could thru red rocks in vegas in a shiny black bikini. felt like james bond. so it goes on the list ok? and saw beatles love that night :)
i shot a commercial for the trump taj mahal hotel in atlantic city, and one for the hilton in vegas.
i had my apartment broken into by a stalker (while i was home) and had to move from one clubhouse to another. very.scary.
i backpacked europe for the second time.
i saw niagara falls and painted alley walls.
i couch surfed in san diego, la, san francisco, new york, uganda, toronto, miami, vegas, and barcelona.
i spent an amazing weekend on the cliffs of sonoma county, on the most dangerous beach in america, where i watched whales surface for air and bay seals play while i ate a grilled cheese ;)
i was fired from the best job i've ever had, due to shooting glamour/artistic nudes.
i talked to my birth dad for the first time in 13 years. via facebook.
i lost a best friend. became closer with the rest of them.
met a boy that makes me feel forever young and mysteriously safe. too scared to write more, i want this man. but we shouldnt ever get attached to any idea like this...
oh, and i got addicted to dexter.
all in all, 2010 seemed so plain. but now im looking back and am very pleased. im smiling. i lost and gained. i played laughed and cried hard.
but out with the old and in with the new yes?
2011 is going to be so much better.
my goals arent much too different. to be honest i'd probably copy and paste the list from above.
i will ride that elephant, dammit. and i will raise $10k. I am now the ambassador for http://www.communitycrash.org/ and i am going to run with it. faster than ever. MY choices can change the WORLD. and so can yours. remember that this year.
im starting the 1st week of the year in cancun and playa del carmen. shooting with strip las vegas the week after, and spending all of feb at yoga school in brasil. ill start teaching that love of mine, God willing, in march. and as for the rest of the year, i have no effing clue. but i like that. i LOVE that. i have no idea where my life is taking me, and i dont care. because i do know who i am becoming, and thats what matters to me. no matter what goes on around me in this next year, this is who im supposed to be, and where im supposed to be. and ill smile, because life is too short not to.
im going to kiss someone at midnight tonight, and im going to swing on a swing set tomorrow. and im going to stay as impulsive as i was this year. with my dancing shoes on ;)
DO NOT settle for a life that is less than what you are capable of living. if you dont love what you do, do something else. live life making a ton of mistakes. or else you'll wish you made more. i have so many favorite mistakes. exist to help others. breathe 5 deep breathes from your belly, and speak a mantra. every morning. be crazy!!!! do not live a life that is less than extraordinary because you are scared. so what if you get hurt. jump. fall. and do it nekkid if you want to. whatever makes you happy sunshine. :)
happy new year.
peace out 2010. you were bad ass, sorry if i seemed to not be paying attention to that.
hello 2011...you're mine ♥

when you realize how perfect everything truly is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky ♥

life hasnt been this tough in a while. (in an american way of seeing things)
i paid for school in brasil for all of march a few months ago (will really pay off), but it is non refundable. and if i dont buy my ticket and get my visa by friday all that goes down the drain. it really is my dream to go. ill be certified to teach yoga when i get back and most of all ill find more balance for myself while doing what i love. ill also get to volunteer while there mentoring street kids, and that is what i feel running thru my veins. 
BUT -
i dont have $ for rent. my car got towed to a junkyard. i got fired from my job for posing for playboy (blog coming soon) which paid me crap so far but i didnt do it for the $ and i didnt think id be fired. im trying to find more work, but that means finding more rides. my phones been shut off on top of that.
i had a wealthy boyfriend that cheated on me and lied all the time so i walked away. i never needed it while with him, but he would have taken care of me in times like this. but thats no reason to be with someone. i only bring it up because that was another problem today, months after a very drawn out break up he is still asking why we cant be together, and he did his best to make today all the worse. how do you convince someone that you are not right for each other, when they are saying that is all they want with tears running down their face? i hate being the cause for anyones pain. but i need 2 key things in a man. 1- love of charities. if i am going to grow old with someone, i want to grow old together making our lives count, simply by being the change in the world and helping little ones in need. i want to save lives together. build wells. schools. REALLY save lives. 2 - i need him to have faith. i want to be pointed to prayer and scripture when i have a day like today. that is what i care about. heart. 
money is not what i care about. but i would like to have enough to give enough.
now im dating a smiling boy that is a flippin blast, he grew up alot like me and is still, alot like me. we have a very similar story, i connect with him. cut from the same cloth. things i tell him about my childhood dont scare him off. but i worry that my current situation might.
i thought i had developed aderexia from all the crap going on, but ive been bawling my eyes out all day not knowing how to get by with it all, so maybe i didnt. purrrspective is all i need. after all, you change that, and everything changes. you see? :)
i know everything will be ok. just trying to get over this months hump of bills, because the next few months should be fine.
i look at pictures of my africa trips and smile at their simplicity. theyve never had a toy that they didnt make out of a water bottle...theyve never tasted dessert or been outside their country, most of them even their village...but they smile, and i mean...truly smile. when they dance, they really dance. the hokey pokey with them in the morning would make my whole world ok. no matter how broke i ever am, they will always receive 20% of what i receive. that is not even mine. it belongs to them, and it means more to them. sending it to them makes me ok really.
moral of the story (really there is no story i am using this blog to vent and its the suckiest blog ever)...is that i have air in my lungs and a roof over my head and a boy whose smile makes my pulse race, im 26 and im broke like a joke, but my future is still bright and i still sparkle like a bottle of glitter ;) i have a few tearsheets on the way (more playboy, italian maxim, backpocket magazine, and strip las vegas for now) and somehow someway in 5 weeks i will be dancing in another country laughing at this very day. 
right?
i swear i will feel better tomorrow, and my next blog will be about the last shoots, upcoming shoots, and the very best stories of africa ♥

rawr.

nekkid.

i'm nekkid in the picture above. does that offend you?

if no, why?

if yes, why?

doing glamour modeling means a lot of things for your life. but does it mean a lot about who you actually are as a person inside? what does it mean that im comfortable (and i am picky with photographers and gigs, i promise) being topless or in lingerie or test shooting for magazines like playboy and american curves? does it mean i am a trashy person? does it mean i cant have a 9-5 job also, and a steady boyfriend? because this confuses me, and means things for my life. but im certain, that im still not going to stop.

example 1 - i got fired from a very good job, because someone told my boss about a shoot i did. this hurt me financially, and emotionally. i loved my job. i was good at it. but i love modeling. why couldnt i do both?

example 2 - do all glamour models struggle with keeping their boyfriends ok with their shoots? theyre always ok with it in the beginning, of course. which makes it almost unfair. but then they start to "love you" and all of a sudden its not ok that youre nekkid for a camera. and just to set the record straight, i do no open leg nudity. no crotch shots whatsoever ok? penthouse offered me 1500/hr for a shoot and guaranteed me penthouse pet, totaling in 40k, and i turned it down. if i was going to do crotch shots dont you think i would have done it then? but i didnt. anywho, boyfriends are off and on with it. but it is always an issue. in fact a recent boyfriend told me the only way i would find a guy who loved me enough to stay with me even though i am a glamour model, was if i found him in a strip club. so does that mean i am comparable to a stripper? this leads me to a few different points:

a - i am not grinding on the photographers lap. they do not touch me. they are respectful professionals. they shoot glamour models all the time, so believe me, they are not getting all disgustingly horny and inappropriate. they are focusing on what makes a good picture. making it art. and the "guys with cameras" that do shoot for the wrong reasons, i avoid.

b - who the hell says you can judge a stripper for what she does? you have no flippin clue where she comes from or why she does what she does. why do i do what i do? because i dont care what you think, or if you dont love me, and because it has gotten me certain other opportunities (my africa trip is being displayed as a slide show at 5 hollywood charity events next month, and they found me because of the pictures i take, and were specifically looking for a model of my type) this has raised more awareness for my causes. this is why i model. truly. it gains more awareness. it enables me to give more. not everyone can use their appearance for this, i have been blessed with the opportunity, and i am not so pre-meditated, so im doing it. also, the stripper is dancing for someone. you dance for someone, you just call it something else. we all do something to get the attention we want, we all do something that is our little secret. who/what do you dance for? what is your fault that you keep under your coat? you are dancing for something, somebody, it is just not as open and upfront as on a pole on a stage. nekkid. 

maybe that sounded confusing. except in my head.

c - i will find love. maybe i have already. we never really know. but it will be one that suits me. one that is level with me. one that dances with me on sidewalks and on orphanages to the hokey pokey. one that makes documentaries with me. one that gives $$ with me. one that loves his God with all his heart and soul. one that understands me and my past and what went on in my childhood. and i will not find him at a stripclub. because that is not where i will look. i wont look. that love will find me. and for some odd reason that i dont even understand yet, he will be ok with what i do.

example 3 - you always are undergoing criticism to your appearance. whether its things you can change about yourself or not. and you have to just suck it up. take it. work on it. but you cant let it stop you or lower your self esteem. if you are booking work than you are a marketable item, and you need to just keep going until you no longer have bookings or until you just dont want to anymore. why not? see what happens. but dont let a job, a boyfriend, or some criticism get in the way.

if you read my last blog you saw that ive been struggling with my emotions. well i got off birth control 3 days ago and i am truly and honestly gradually feeling better. haha. i know its not out of my system yet, but even a few days has made a difference. i dont like putting such unnatural things in my body, but i did, and it effected me in a way that proved me right. i am not even sure if i can have kids due to occurrences in my past, and i rather wait until im married anyways to "make love". if i could absolutely have my way, thats what it would be. and i know that sounds ridiculous, but so am i. 

my best friend, when he asks what i want in life, listens to the answer (and its a long and detailed one haha) and then says "jade, you can have all that. that life, that career, that guy, that type of adventure in traveling, all of that is out there and you can have it. if anyone can make it happen, its you. you always somehow are so lucky". its very empowering hearing him say this. i do not know why i do not live by it. i get confused and tell myself that what is in front of me is so amazing i better grab onto it so tightly because its the best i can get!! dont get me wrong, i do not want to adopt the "grass is greener on the other side" syndrome...but i do always want to be pushing myself, dreaming, striving. not in an exhausting way, but in a life that counts way. i want to change lives. really. like, save them. like make such a difference that if i didnt do it, the world wouldnt be ok. i want to educate children who do not have the means to do so, so that they can change the future of their country. this doesnt just mean building a school, this means making sure the child has shoes so that they can go to school. mosquito nets. all of it. i want to give millions and trillions to children who just need a meal. oh little salli in uganda who has a piece of my heart still in his hand. how i hope he's still living and with some sort of food in his belly. i want to show up to an orphanage or school one day and the kids already know my name, because with out what ive done with my life, that building would be there. the kids wouldnt be there. that kind of difference. 

i want to just make dreams come true. play with kids that have been neglected and ignored. and in a way that inspires them to do this for others. i want to save lives by funding water wells. it is ridiculous how many people die every single minute due to poverty and infrastructure. 

i.want.to.fix.this. any way i can. small changes, big changes. but why let the days pass and not make them count? why leave the world the way it is? why not let it make me angry that it is this way and get up and make my life matter. leave a legacy. and if glamour modeling has gotten me exposure that has brought some causes even more into the spotlight, and raised more funds as well, then glamour modeling is what i will be doing. nekkid. deal with it. 

we should be so focused on helping others that we are too busy to point out faults. to throw stones. 

maybe i forgot this a little because of the mix up of hormones in my system the last few months, or because ive been yelled at a lot lately, but ill do whatever it takes to keep focused. i wasnt off track too too long ;)

maybe focusing on these kiddos problems also helps me not to dwell on my own. to forget them. 

like the fact that im nekkid and it pisses some people off. p.s., it's really just implied nudity, but you southerners think thats nekkid.

so.....what do you want in life?

♥

To Do

pumpkin carving for the first time..... :)
e.t. and edward scissorhands <3
i always wanted a pumpkin carvin' life....
i debated writing this week, since im home and not traveling/shooting...ive also been told by someone close that i really shouldnt be blogging. is it too personal and open? do i even care tho? i dont write for attention or anything alike, but for ease of mind. and i get confused when people write in private journals with out sharing it with anybody....whats the difference of just having it in your head then?? maybe someone can relate and maybe realize theyre not the only weirdo that struggles with silly stuff? maybe someone can be positively effected somehow? sure going out every night is easy and keeps you from digging too deep, but how long does that last?

so heres my to-do list for (every) day

1) get wet today
2) take a hot bath
3) question your assumptions
4) be kind (to yourself too)
5) live for the moment
6) loosen up
7) count your blessings
8) ride your bike to go eat a sno cone
9) laugh hysterically
10) smile
11) fight for someone in need
12) dance on a bridge
13) make a new friend
14) dont complain :)
15) love on the ignored
16) be wild, crazy, and free
17) seek knowledge
18) embrace beauty, magic, and risk
19) get goosebumps
20) tell your story
21) make more stories
22) GO NOW, AND LIVE.....you are free to be who you are waiting for..

now if only i could actually be this person. instead of someone who worries over nothing, gets moody, and forgets to think...
im this "good" person when im by myself, but thats too easy. and kind of backwards isnt it? usually people are more careless when by themselves where no one can see, then put on their best face for others? not me for some reason. when im by myself i think positively, am motivated, chipper, and think of new ways to help children in need. but in a way when im by myself i also feel abandoned, and not always safe. but around others i fail, i dont think about what i should be doing or saying, etc etc. i simply fuck up. and excuse my language here lately, i never used to cuss, and i really dont like it when ladies cuss. just not classy. but either ive been watching too much dexter or these recent emotions have gotten the best of me.
worst of all i fail at relationships. i dont trust one bit. we all have our mommy and daddy issues, but i simply just have relationship issues. you're going to hurt me, i know it.
plus im moody as hell with this flippin birth control so you better not piss me off. wtf is wrong with me tho? there is a war going on that forces children to kill, who the hell cares about these measly little problems?? im not a sex slave, im not being beaten anymore, i have a roof over my head and air in my lungs.... but im stuck in this rut in my mind. is it because of the hormones in the birth control, or is it because ive lost something? i dont read my bible or dalai lama books much anymore, and i havent been doing kundalini meditation. but again, this is because ive been spending all my time with someone. if i were alone i'd get this stuff done and be more peaceful? no arguments or failing if theres no one there right? for the most part im a very happy and active person, full of life and passion, silly and entertaining. its just the relationships i mess up in.
bah humbug.
im going to a yoga school in brasil in february for a while, right on the south atlantic coast, next to enchanted mountain, and i am in love with the itinerary. yoga, meditation, wisdom circle, the like....maybe this is what i need?
or just to be alone. but what a waste of life that is. ha. is any of this making sense at all?
either way, i guess i feel better typing it all out.
whats normal anyways tho?
the only normal people are the ones you dont know very well, right?
(oh and i plan to start writing a bit about Africa soon and the children i met there)   ;)

Weird email of the week....

so i thought i'd post some of the weird messages i get for gigs, once a week, although they come in a bit more than that....


I am very interested in a solo site for ya, the way i work is this, i shoot 30 sets and 30 videos and i pay a 2500 dollar cash bonus.  With those 30 sets i start building and designing the website.  Once the website is online, you will then get 40% of your websites net profits.  I charge 29.95 for a 30 day membership and the fans credit cards automatically re bill every 30 days.  So when a model gets 1000 members that's 29,995 Dollars a month the website will be bringing in.  I have to update the site 2 times a week with fresh content.  i am very professional and i do business over the telephone.  But yea lets talk on the phone and see if we can do some business soon.  I am looking for my next solo model, and i have found a few potential girls, then you popped up in my mind today, and i am more then interested in signing you a deal.  Beyond the solo sites, i get my models into magazines, tv shows, Howard Stearn,  there is a lot more to these websites then just photos and videos.  Its all about personality.  As well as you can clear 7-10 grand a month just doing webcam shows 3 nights a week.  My methods work, and i am all about making money, as well as making the hottest content possible.  I rent million dollar homes by the week for all my shoots.  Anyway i am all over the place today with meetings, please give me a call.




holy moly. no way jose.

Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast....♥

My last shoot in L.A. was with one of my favorite photographers. Last time i shot with him it was for a test for 2 magazines, one i made it in (above - BLISSS surfer magazine, mostly in california surf shops) and the other, i didnt. :( last time we shot he told me my boobs were too small and asked why the hell my teeth were yellow. coffee. and way too much of it. but we shot again, my boobs a whole cup size bigger due to birth control, and my teeth whiter. doesnt mean ill get the spread i want, but he said ill at least be on newstands. argh. i want the spread i shot for. its a good $20k pay difference and the exposure doesnt even compare.
we.shall.see.
i had some good talks with each photographer. i usually do. they usually tell me im amusing, or the weirdest girl theyve ever shot. i dont mind that, at least im not boring. i guess i am weird. hell, if youve read any of my blogs you know that too.
the 1st shoot i did, all polaroidzzzz which is one of my obsessions, was with JN. we talked alot about relationships. we shared stories, some that ive never really shared, he laughed. he shared some and i challenged him as much as he challenged me. but we had the same views. one particular one is that relationships are never freaking 50/50. you get me right? like, theyre always 80/20. and thats a-ok as long as it switches, rotates back and forth. but if it doesnt, then the 80% side needs to get the heck out. its hardly ever a 2-way street, but its never 50/50. there are a few times i think ive seen it, but not sure. but, even when i do see a couple in their 70th year of marriage...sadly, i dont think "awwww schucks, i want to grow old with somebody!!" i honestly simply wonder, who is going to be in my life at that stage of it? i had one guy tell me the other day that he would like to meet me when im an old lady, because he wants to hear all my stories. that was one of the cutest things ive ever heard. and damn straight, i will live a full life, because life is simply too short not to.
me and JN hit it off from the start. and some times i just cant stand photographers because there are (just a few) times when i am standing in front of their camera and thinking....did this guy just hire me so he could tell a younger pretty girl what to do for a few hours? its just the feeling i get when they talk to me. like they never made it to being a published photographer, so they hire a published model for a good price and then boss her around like he's a big shot....not just a guy with a camera. there are way too many guys with cameras. hey, it pays my bills tho. others i become good friends with and we keep in touch, those are usually the professional ones, because they tend to treat models differently. there are 2 photographers in vegas that both got me published more than once, and its all due to how good they are, not me. but i talk to both of those guys on a weekly basis. maybe just a joke, or an update, but we touch base. i'd say i have good chemistry with about half of the photographers when i travel tho. i can get along with anybody either way. thats what going to 18 different schools will do to you :) and i loved it, like i said before, im addicted to meeting people.
i'd have to say tho, the most published photographer ive ever had on my schedule, here in hollywood, really pissed me off. i had never been so excited to shoot with someone before. seriously, this guy shoots only celebrities, and covers for magazines. if you shoot with him, it is not only a portfolio booster, but you'll end up published on some type of ad, and you'll get more calls for work. but do you know what that loser did when i arrived at his studio (the same studio one of my favorite musicians used to own and record in)....he demanded a freaking blow job. "this is how its going to go down" he repeats to models that would die to shoot with him because they havent made it yet completely in the industry and they know shooting with him will be great for their portfolio. they show up after not eating all day so that they can have a flat tummy and an un-bloaded face, all jittery hoping that he'll shoot them after he sees them in person (most professional photographers who will publish you want to make sure you look good in person first and arent 20 pounds heavier than your images) so they show up and he says, "this is how its going to go down, im going to go down on you, youre going to go down on me, and then we'll shoot and ill make sure your image gets published." that fucker. i bawled my eyes out and told him as badly as i wanted to shoot with him, i didnt want to shoot with him that bad. and that i think hes a scumbag for cheating on his wife all the time just because of who he is etc etc...he told me to wake up and open my eyes to what it takes to break into this industry...that i was an effing idiot that needed to go back to austin tx. i talked to another model, who did mess around with him, as well as one who didnt. the one who didnt said that he has about a 85% success rate with that crap. that models usually just say "oh, ok...." but she put him in his place a lot better than i did with her fiery mouth that i love. she wasnt so crushed, being published in spanish vogue and print ads internationally, it wasnt that big of a deal to miss out on a shoot with him....years from now ill never wish that i did it tho. we always hear of those big name actors and actresses that did that stuff for their first role. but even if i never make it, ill never do that. and it doesnt mean that im better than any of them.
the guy who i test shot with this last, i love. he is going down in history. not for his print work, but for his hobby work. he is amazazazing. he made me take like 30 photos out of my port because he said they were crap, and i needed it. he knows. he also told me something that i wish someone told me in the beginning, but i suppose should have been common sense. "8 out of 10 things in this industry are total b.s., its just some director trying to get in your panties, or at least impress you, youve been around the block and shot enough, you know this...but just watch out. and im going to get you out there as much as i can, you know that, and ill never ask you to sleep with me, but you have to take my advice and stop making bad decisions jade. youre already old, your clock is ticking, get with it, youre gorgeous and you can really do something, but stop being lazy with what you have. hey jade, do you hear me?"  haha, he always finishes everything with that question. even when hes telling me how to pose. im shooting with him again next month, but this time for his hobby part of the photography, and that is an honor. i just wish an elephant could be involved. i will get that shot.
i got asked to speak at cal state university while i was here, about invisible children and my experiences in uganda, and it freakin breaks my heart that i had an important scheduling conflict. that is what my heart beats for, but i couldnt flake on what i had already committed to. what an awesome opportunity it would have been though...

oh and by the way, last night at the red carpet movie premiere, i forgot to put on deodorant. and im not a smelly girl, but still, what a bummer....


yaaaayyy :)  ------------>

Conviction Red Carpet Movie Premiere... ♥

CONVICTION is the true story of a sister’s unwavering devotion to her brother. When Betty Anne Waters’ (two-time Academy® Award winner Hilary Swank) brother Kenny (Sam Rockwell) is arrested for murder and sentenced to life in 1983, Betty Anne, a wife and mother of two, dedicates her life to overturning the murder conviction. Convinced that her brother is innocent, Betty Anne puts herself through high school, college and, finally, law school in an 18 year quest to free Kenny. With the help of best friend Abra Rice (Academy Award nominee Minnie Driver). Belief in her brother - and her quest for the truth - pushes Betty Anne to uncover the facts and utilize DNA evidence with the hope of exonerating Kenny.  

Tonight I went to the red carpet movie premiere of Conviction with my friend justin, who is the criminal defense attorney for the movie....
it was a never.be.the.same kind of evening and the reason i would like to act in films :)
i highly recommend the movie....
in the photo above you have sam rockwell to the far left, the real life abra rice and betty anne waters (!!!!), juliette lewis, minnie driver, hilary swank, and director tony goldwyn (from the amazing movie ghost)...
hilary swank and minnie driver were absolutely beautiful people in person, the way they spoke, everything. hilary swank was like a little girl parading around with her little pony tail smiling so proudly at this amazing accomplishment...juliette lewis so quirky and cutely loud...

this movie and evening touched me on so many levels....
not only was it a blast to see and talk to some amazing actors from the film and sit behind the cast of its always sunny in philadelphia, but it was a movie that i know ill see again, and again, and again. like the blind side.
i relate to both of the movies in weird ways.
sam rockwells daughter for example. my birth dad was in prison through out my life, but was in no way innocent. i remember the few times he got out, and not knowing if i should shake his hand, since he was quite the stranger, or if i should hug him. when i was younger than 10 i think i may have hugged him. but after his repeated return to prison, and the memories of him nearly killing my mother in front of me messing with my emotions and thoughts, i leaned more towards the hand shake.
i remember being 12, and telling myself, i will never let that man back into my heart. not if he cant stay away from drugs long enough to be my daddy for a flippin week, to just stay out of prison for more than a month. ive forgiven him, but why would i put myself thru that again? i ran into him 10 years later, by mistake, on a movie set in Louisiana. we both looked like we saw a ghost. he got my last name wrong, which is funny because if i had his last name my name would be "jade rock". he didnt seem to have changed one bit. all i felt when i saw him was overwhelming fear.
but will i sit one day at my fathers funeral and wish i had gotten to know him? for some reason i dont think so. for some reason ive built my mind up in a way to make myself believe i dont need a man in any form or fashion. sure, romance is nice, but even last night when my darling romantic boyfriend told me one of the sweetest things anyones ever said to me - you are the wishes i make, the eyelash wishes, the 11:11 wishes, the stars- ....i told him to stop feeding me b.s. lines. quite the girlfriend huh? i do love him, but sometimes i cant feel anything. and i simply dont know how to trust. i want to, believe me, my life would be sooo much easier. maybe its because i know no relationship is guaranteed and everyone you love leaves, or maybe its because i received emails in relationships from "the other girl" with the guy telling her the same stupid lines he told me. so now i should trust the lines? how do you know when someone loves you for real? how do you let someone in? especially when you love them.
just.let.go.
just.trust.

the movie to me was one of the greatest stories of selflessness i have ever seen. there were so many tear jerkers and the way hilary swank captivated the role was simply outstanding.
after the movie all the stars got on stage and she talked with such intelligence and humbleness as the real life betty anne waters stood by her side. then 9 men lined up next to them. these 9 men had all been convicted (7 in the state of tx!! - sooooo proud of our legal system, ugh) for crimes they did not commit. most of them over 20 years were served. one man served 26 yrs, and has only been released for 5 months. his wife is now pregnant and he is trying to have a normal life. can you imagine? 26 years in prison for a crime you did not commit. the innocence project is now responsible for freeing over 50 innocent men from a life sentence they did not deserve. lives and families they missed out on were torn from them. as each man shared his sentence and release date, along with falsely accused crime, they also said what kept them going day by day. 8 of them said faith. faith that God would see them thru. faith that justice will be done. they were not bitter for their experience, but instead their faith was strengthened. it reminded me of my favorite corrie ten boom story where she thanked god for the flies. later it was revealed that the flies in her camp were the only reason the nazi soldiers did not come in and rape her. its all in perspective. your whole situation can change completely, when you just change your perspective of it. if you cant change it, change the way you think about it. prayer is how they survived each day. have you tried it? :)
faith.
thats what some people dont understand about me. i have enormous faith, and its not tied to any religion.
and its not tied to knowledge or studies. its 100% to do with my experiences, and what i know God to be in my life, in my childhood, and now. it makes me sad that so many church people turn people away from God instead of towards him. i have had a bitter taste in my mouth for sure. my facebook says "love and compassion" next to religious views. wouldnt you know that a christian sent me a message telling me how wrong it was that that was my religion, along with my photos being evil. the message was quite cruel and belittling.
my response was:
hmmm...haha. i think its funny when people ask this question...i think sometimes we forget Jesus IS love and compassion. Jesus is not a religion! its christians like you that make many not want to be associated with Christ. be careful, you may turn away many. and you may already have. you guys don't know me, what i desire, what i work and strive for, why i model, what i've been thru in the last 2 years, you know none of this, you just choose to judge on your high and mighty religious standards. next time try and see where someone comes from and what theyve been thru, know that they suffer, then speak to them in love from Christ instead of with stones in your hand. btw, you never know when you're the last straw for someone, you never know what just happened to them the day they opened a condemning message from you...choose your words and actions wisely, everyone is fighting a battle brother. we all have much to learn. be the change you wish to see in the world - jade

i think alot of us christians forget that a loveless and condemning church will only turn away those that are foreign to faith. im not saying that what they said was wrong, or that i am right, but the way they said it made me not care about that. i went on a date with a guy who said that he didnt see how a girl who took pictures like mine could possibly love jesus. this confused me, because i do love jesus, very much. am i just a confused church-goer? do i not belong in that pew? do i not belong going to bible study because i am not on the same page with everyone else on my convictions? do i not deserve to date a man with faith because of my career? how can i expect one to like me when i am a glamour model? (glamour is a style of shooting that is considered ungodly for sure)
i dont know any of these answers. and to be honest, i guess i dont care. i love my faith, i love my jesus. if i were 5'8'' i would be shooting fashion and editorial and i would love it, but i am 5'3" and i am shooting glamour and lingerie. i kind of do what comes natural and dont put too much thought into all my decisions. i know this is dangerous...but again, i guess i dont care? this is stupid, i know.
 Definition of a Model
-An 'occupation' for those too mentally-challenged to seek a real job, thus resort to lightly exposing their bodily features for money. In extremely rare cases is one even marginally intelligent.-
yes, im belittling myself, but im half-kidding. im really a genius, sit me down and strike a passion, you'll see. my point is that im in a very weird stage in my life, and modeling is whats in my lap right now. so ill give it a year, ill see what happens. ill play things by ear, because thats all ive ever done and thats how i like it. i dont get attached to any hope of a certain future. like the augusteum. im fine doing this right now, and if next year im a nun, then next year im a nun. NOTHING in life is guaranteed. I AM giving this my all tho, & if I am at any time put in the spotlight, I will use it to put the needs of others there with me. I will not forget the kids that need shoes or sanitation. I will lose sleep until they are freed. I don't want children to die because of poverty & infrastructure anymore. I don't want children to run for safety anymore. i will use my means from any modeling gigs to help stop this. ♥ 

I have been asked to host as a role of "celebrity ambassador" for C.R.A.S.H....a project dedicated to medical & emergency assistance to communities affected by disaster & conflict. CRASH provides rapid & effective aid that saves lives, reduces suffering, empowers & jumpstarts recovery. ♥ ♥ you have NO idea how excited i am about this. if you dont know, i go to uganda and work with orphans, and this is truly where my heart is. this is 1 of the many things i was born for ♥ oh, & some filming for CRASH will take place in Africa :) if i werent modeling would i have this opportunity that i feel so passionate about, the kind of opportunity that i dream of making my life about? is this blessing not from a higher power because my pictures do not glorify that higher power?

so many questions that make no sense whatsoever....

anywho, conviction comes out on the 15th of this month, you wont regret seeing it. i dont want to be a spoiler, but after you see it, if youre interested contact me to find out what the real life characters said they are doing with their lives now. especially kenny waters.

-For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.-

Campbell's soup for the sole.....

Today I bought these amazing andy warhol shoes on melrose ave.....they were $79 and i talked them down to $49...which is still kind of out of budget right now, but they make my knees weak <3
if i werent trying to stay away from cheese and bread i'd pop these babies on and make myself a grilled cheese. but believe me, having these on even makes my fruit & yogurt taste better.
speaking of shoes, i've met so many traveling models that have "wish lists". one girl i shot with last week in san francisco actually scored a new red bmw, an ipad, and an ipod touch. she said nothings required, theres just alot of rich men that want to buy pretty young girls stuff because theyre lonely etc... i just dont think i could ever pull that off. i am way too skeptical of free gifts. one guy wanted to pay me $5,000 thru pay pal to skype with him 1 hr a week. nothing sexual, just the company. i blocked him. this same model asked for his contact info. apparently she does this often and makes the big bucks.
another model i worked with in NY last month asked what the weirdest thing i ever did for money was. i made a confused face. she works "foot fetish" seminars once a week and banks about 2,000 just in one day at them. so these guys (much like a photography seminar/shoot out) book you for a one-on-one (usually going at 100-200 for a 1/2hour) and spend that time massaging your feet and kissing your feet. because they have a fetish with feet. have you ever heard of such a thing?!?! i went one time to a "foot model" casting and well, it was for foot fetish videos. paid about $700 for 3 hours of film, just moving your feet and what not, in hoes, heels, what have you. before i was aware of what was really going on with this casting, he asked to see my foot, i took my shoe off and stuck my foot out and then he grabbed it and started moaning as he rubbed my foot on his thigh. i jerked my foot back and froze up. grabbed my shoe and ran out.
writing about this makes me near nauseated and i suppose it doesnt really need to be told, but these stories just boggle my mind.
if you didnt know, i used to be married. yes, im only 25, and divorced. but people in the south, especially san antonio, get married young. but not in austin, its the #1 single city in america...there are just too many opportunities for all these hipsters and bartenders to want to be tied down. heck, you make a friend every day in this amazing city. im addicted to meeting people, and thats why i call it home. the chicken landed in the coupe, and thought she had been there all along. i dont regret my marriage one bit. although supposedly i am to have 4 significant relationships in my lifetime, and my marriage is not one of them. it is a faded memory. i cant remember the smell of his skin anymore, or the sound of his voice. it is all lost. but i loved him very much, that alone can still make me cry. we simply got married too young. i looked at him in high school, in his green 73 vw bug, and his extremely moralized character and thought, theres a man who will never hit me, cheat on me, leave me, there is a good man. and at that i started to fall. but as you can read, those are no reasons to marry. i was a confused little girl. and he was an amazing and golden charactered man. 2 years into the marriage 1 of 2 things happened. either i realized the chemistry was gone 100% for the last year, feeling as if i was no longer an interest nor was intimacy in the least bit, begged him to take me on dates and start up in marriage counseling, and at the fail of this the marriage failed. i failed. or 2, i realized how effed up i am and can be, and my mind pulled its little dis-association crap on me, forbidding me to feel anything at all. at that i started to disappear into another person. the person i am today. the person i ran to. the scared little girl that wanted to be taken care of. i felt nothing as all this happened. and i mean nothing. it wasnt until almost 6 months later as i was unpacking all my silverware in my new apt in austin, that the realization hit me. i looked at a utensil, and thought about the meals we used to eat. and i weeped like a baby. i had left my best friend, the man i thought i would be with as we played with our grandchildren. i had left his family, the closest thing i had ever had to a father. and i barely remember any of it.
but did he really know me. was i me then? am i me now? who the hell is me? can i compare myself to the augusteum in rome?

"The the Augusteum was transformed somehow into a vineyard, then a Renaissance garden, then a bullring, then a fireworks depository, then a concert hall.  In the 1930s, Mussolini seized the property and restored it down to its classical foundations, so that it could someday be the final resting place for his remains. Today the Augusteum is one of the quietest and loneliest places in Rome, buried deep in the ground.  The city has grown up around it over the centuries. Traffic above the monument spins in a hectic circle, and nobody ever goes down there–from what I can tell–except to use the place as a public bathroom.  But the building still exists, holding its Roman ground with dignity, waiting for its next incarnation. 
I find the endurance of Augusteum so reassuring, that this structure has had such an erratic career, yet always adjusted to the particular wildness of the times.  To me, the Augusteum is like a person who’s led a totally crazy life–who maybe started out as a housewife, the unexpectedly became a widow, then took up fan-dancing to make money, ended up somehow as the first female dentist in outer space, and then tried her hand at national politics–yet who has managed to hold an intact sense of herself throughout every upheaval.
I look at the Augusteum, and I think that perhaps my life has not actually been sochaotic, after all.  It is merely this world that is chaotic, bring changes to us all that nobody could have anticipated.  The Augusteum warns me not to get attached to any obsolete ideas about who I am, what I represent, whom I belong to, or what function I may once have intended to serve.  Yesterday I might have been a glorious monument to somebody, true enough–but tomorrow I could be a fireworks depository.  Even in the Eternal City, says the silent Augusteum, one must always be prepared for riotous and endless waves of transformation.”
i got this message today - 
"Jade I know there was a time when we use to laugh and talk about non sense. Miss it really and I see how all that your doing really happy for you wish i could be walking in those shoes some times . You are doing so much and impacting lives everywhere who would of thought that one decision would get you all this.. I know your busy as ever but if i can ask you anything it would be.. How did you know that good would come out of leaving your marriage??? I dont mean this bad at all but a lot of girls just take what ever card they are delt with afraid for what might happen if they dont...."

Did good come out of it? if i stayed married who would i be today? would i have a family? a degree? would i have still gone to uganda to help change little babies lives? would i have fallen deeply in love with a good man and grown old? or am i meant to be a free spirit roaming this earth like the gypsy i feel i am, fundraising for schools and building water wells and taking peektures as i play life by ear? is this who i am? this vagabond gypsy afraid to get attached to anything or anybody, planning only to make a difference? helping a child in need as my sole desire and letting that be my romance in life?

i only know this, whatever is supposed to happen, does happen. if i were to draw a circle around myself today, it would be exactly where i am meant to be, with these people and these lovely shoes. it doesnt mean i dont miss my faded memories, or the laughter of them, it just means i am content wherever i am, and in whatever stage i am in. the journey is the destination.

-Make peace with your past so it wont spoil the present.

If you'll be my oyster i'll be your pearl...

Today I was interviewed for a documentary about internet modeling, and internet celebrities...
the questions got pretty personal
he asked why i seemed sad...that made me kind of sad, i dont want to seem sad.
he asked alot of questions about my shoots, good and bad...
he asked questions that made me question who i am and what i do...he asked about my height
he asked who i was closest to....i didnt have an answer. am i close to anyone? i'd say my best friend scott and my mom maybe....but i also feel unknown. does anyone really know me? my ex did, but i wouldnt be alive if i stayed with him. i run, i know. and this dis-association crap that takes control of me in conflict makes it hard to get too close to anyone, especially a boyfriend.
i guess this is safe?
he asked what its like to feel so beautiful. if i thought as a child that i would grow up to be a beautiful woman? who the hell said i feel beautiful? i dont photograph because i feel beautiful. im really quite confused when i get good bookings. i dont think you have to be pretty to photograph though, i think you just have to have something that is a different. everyone is looking for something. i dont ever look at a picture that i love and think, wow i look awesome. i look at a picture and think, wow thats a really cool shot, the way the hair is falling, the lines and shadows on the body, the expression and mood. thats artistic. especially in polaroids. <3
there are a few girls at home, that do not shoot, and i wonder...what is it like to wake up and look in the mirror and be that damn purdy?

i was pretty upset with my self when i left mc donalds last night....
i ran in to get a quick dinner - a yogurt.
i waited in line 35 minutes, and it was like a festival in there, a bunch of kids on tricycles barefoot, 3 year olds in diapers with pacifiers. single moms splitting one happy meal with their kids.
here i was in line pissed that i was having to wait so dang long for a measly dollar menu yogurt. i rolled my eyes as i pulled out my laptop and answered emails as i stood there. what an American i've become. i remember in Uganda walking over 45 minutes thru a jungle to find some jack fruit or chapati. in 110 degree heat. then getting to a stand, to see a child of the jungle living off those sugar cane plants with out any undies on and barely a shirt. and here i am 7 months later tapping my impatient foot at mc d's with my mac book in hand.
snap.out.of.it.

SO i've decided to start this blog because of how many people i meet traveling, stories from photographers and models that boggle my mind. i wont use names, and i hope not to offend anybody. especially the uptight and perfect. that starts tomorrow.

-To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.-

Keep the memories from fading

Today I shot with Jonathon Narducci, for a very interesting book. very candid. Glad to be a part of it. :) My memory is getting worse and worse...maybe this will help...
meeting with Scott Nathan in Hollywood tomorrow, and test shooting for 2 magazines tuesday....
Jonathan had so many interesting perspectives to share over sushi...I learned alot from him, and what it means to be a woman my age, ha.
A stalker broke into my apt while i was home last week, and i need to find a new place so that i can feel safe....i dont want to leave my part of town...contemplated moving to venice beach, but i just belong where i am...with southwest airlines being my best friend of course ;)